Baby Quest

MATCH MATCH MATCH

2010-10-22T00:08:00.000-06:00

OMG - I am matched!!!!! BM is due in less than one month - eek. Reality is slapping me in the face and pocketbook. I have the contract and am horrified at the lop-sidedness and expense. This is a lot of money, with no guarantees. What an emotional roller coaster.

I did not want to post for fear of another "match" falling through. Will this be it? Will it actually work? I think I should write less because I still don't have a signed contract.

Moving toward Adoption

2010-10-06T21:00:00.001-06:00

Adoption. Onward to the next thing - Adoption. My stats don't look so good, so I need to meet with a baby buying consultant. Oh, I mean adoption consultant. Why does this whole process just seem like buying a baby, but no one wants to actually say that. There are adoption fees, but everyone is making money (except for the adoptive parents).

It is difficult to imagine life with a baby. It is difficult to imagine life without my own child.

It has been a while - New Tact

2010-09-25T19:39:00.002-06:00

It has been over 2 years since I last posted. My head was in the sand for a long time. I've given up on the being pregnant thing. I though about using donor egg, but decided I couldn't deal with more $ and disappointment. I have finally come around to the adoption route. I have completed my home study and am just waiting for a child. Unfortunately, the wait has been long and I need to do something to kick start the process. Most likely, I will need the services of a consultant to help match me.

Since I am single, I'm not at the top of most birth mother's ideal of an adoptive parent scenario.

I'm not trying to say anything weird with this picture. I just took the picture in my backyard, because it is a large spider (orb spider, I think). I just thought the blog could use some visuals.

Head In Sand

2008-04-06T21:47:00.002-06:00

I don't know what to do and I am still depressed. I'm in a "I don't give a fuck" eating mode, so I am not eating well. Woman eat like crap and get pregnant all the time. Why have I spent the past 2 years on an organic diet, and ate so many gross foods that I don't like - all in the name of fertility. What a waste.

Since I can't figure out what to do, I just try not to think about my future with/without child. Of course, my mother brings up the adoption issue, again. Apparently, if one is not successful with bearing a child then you must move down the adoption path. I'm just not ready for the adoption thing; maybe, I never will be.

Here is what I accomplished during my weekend of fertility failure:

Cleaned and sealed grout in the mud room
Pulled out the fridge and cleaned all that funky dust. Changed the fridge water filter
Unclogged the toilet
Changed the washers and springs on one of the sinks (to stop a drip)
Prepared the outdoor sprinklers for the summer by clearing out debris from each sprinkler head.
Fertilized the lawn
Turned on the sprinkler system and went through a cycle. Re-winterized the sprinkler system (it is supposed to snow later this week)
Shoveled out dirt and prepped ground for a large piece of flagstone (which I installed).
Fixed gate so it closes.
Shoveled rocks around to cover bare spots
Swabbed the outdoor deck (spray with water, swab, spray with water).
Took the outdoor chairs out of storage, used WD-40, and placed outside
Cleaned some of the house and did some laundry
Watered plants
And other little things......

I posted on a clinic's website and the doc wrote me back: "Don't make a decision without talking to me". I wrote about throwing in the towel and going the DE route. I guess I will call for a free consutlation. However, I need to prepare my paperwork so I am ready to talk (cycle info, blood results, etc)

I've been researching the DE route in Eastern Europe. A little scary, but I am started to warm up to the idea.

Lost in Library

2008-04-02T22:51:00.003-06:00

I went to the local library to search for a book to read. It has been a very long time since I wandered the stacks. I was pregnant the last time I looked for a book. The emotions flooded into me and I contemplated laying down on the floor and shutting the world out. I wonder how I can go on with every day life when I feel such emptiness and pain. I don't know what I am doing.

I think I just try to ignore all of my feelings (most of the time). But, there I was in the library feeling so, so empty. One year ago, I was pregnant. I am starting to get very bitter about losing my baby. The pain is so great. I still wonder if I didn't do everything that I could have done. Maybe that damn hike did me in. Maybe, I was an idiot for thinking I felt good and should go for a long walk. I killed my baby. I should have been at home, laying in bed. I read about a woman who was bleeding at 12 weeks and went on bed rest for over 1 month - she had a healthy baby. Why did the u/s tech. not worry about the bleeding. Why did my OB say "let's hope for the best" and let me alone until I had my m/c. Maybe, if I had a different doctor, I would be caring for a baby right now.

I was only knowingly pregnant for 2 months (8 weeks), yet I am still devastated by my loss. All of my losses (relationship, failed cycles, m/c, best friend, ....). I am a walking zombie. Sometimes, I pretend to friends and co-workers that I am happy. I can not share how sad and miserable I truly feel.

The pregnant woman at work doesn't help. She probably got pregnant as soon as she decided to become a mother. I don't know. I keep away from her and don't talk to her. Except for today, when she cornered me in an office. I offered her some chocolate that I was giving away and ran out of the room.

Lack of Sleep

2008-04-01T21:18:00.003-06:00

I didn't function too well today, because I stayed up until 3 am researching overseas clinics, donor eggs, and wondering about my own eggs (are they too old, too hard, too defective, ...).

I decided to drag my ass out of the house and go snowboarding for a few hours. Due to traffic and leaving the house very late, I arrived at the ski area's parking lot (great spot right in front) before 1 pm. I figured that I would be on the lift by 1, and proceeding through the ritual of putting on my boots and lacing up tight. After the boots (which is a little difficult in the car, but I don't like to open the door and get cold), I put on my coat, placed important things in my pocket and was about to exit the car when I realized that I forgot a crucial piece of equipment - my board.

I didn't want to spend extra money to rent an unfamiliar board (I would probably break something, anyway), so I drove home. What a loser! It has been snowing the last couple of days so the snow would have been good. Last week, the snow was really bad - packed down like a hard rock. Oh well, my mind is just a fuzz.

What if I make a decision in this fuzzy state. I was thinking about trying my own eggs again. Wondering if I could deal with the embarrassment of going back to my clinic. What the heck is wrong with me? Why should I be embarrassed over going to my clinic? Because I am a serial IVFer. During my last cycle, I had to deal with lots of little comments from the workers (my money helps to pay their salaries). I could feel there stares and their little comments that are translated into:

Back again? You poor delusional soul
She must have a lot of money that she can waste
Doesn't she know that she is too old? We never get pregnancies with this type using her own egg.
She must be desperate. No partner, no baby, and just keeps trying.
"Do you know why you had the miscarriage" {I don't need to translate that statement}

It is ridiculous that a grown woman, paying a lot of money, jumping through all kinds of hoops, and investing a lot of time should feel embarrassed. I can't really explain it, but it is there. Maybe I am embarrassed that my body has failed me. I was so arrogant to think I could beat the odds. I was really convinced that I would become pregnant.

My big question is "How badly do I want to become pregnant and be a mother?" I'm starting to question what I am doing. Am I just on a quest and can't stop? It is so easy to get caught up in all of the hoopla and Internet groups of woman trying for the same thing. We just keep blindly moving ahead, moving ahead, one foot in front of the other, no matter what. Does anyone ever stop and say "what am I doing?"

And, I still am missing my front tooth. Just to add to my low self esteem.

Distraught

2008-03-29T23:41:00.002-06:00

Apparently, I only blog when distraught. I guess this is my way of trying to stay sane in the most troubling time of my life.

I just finished watching "Into the Wild". I had read the book a while ago, so I knew what would happen. When the movie was done, I was depressed and crying. Not so much about the movie (even though it did draaaag on for a long time), but about my life (or lack thereof). I am lonely. I am sad. I feel empty.

Haven't talked to the male relative since the last upsetting conversation. Guess who called today and I mistakenly answered the phone? Not as drunk last time, but heard the same thing:
- try again
- cursing at me
- god talk
- do what will make me happy

What will make me happy? Will be pregnant by myself and having a baby and being alone make me happy? Who the fuck knows. I sure don't.

Mellowing Out

2008-03-26T18:50:00.003-06:00

What to do, what to do. That is the question I keep getting asked, but I really don't know.

Choices:Publish Post

IVF with my own eggs
IVF with Donor Eggs at my USA clinic
IVF with Donor Eggs out of USA
Adoption
Embryo donation/adoption
Do nothing

At some point, I can work through the pros and cons of each choice. I just don't have the energy right now.

Happy, Unhappy Birthday - you old, barren bag

2008-03-25T22:51:00.006-06:00

Today is the anniversary of the day my mother gave birth to me. I have never been so depressed on my birthday. Last year was filled with joy as I was pregnant. This year, not pregnant and this day is like the final nail in my genetic ability to reproduce coffin.

The well wishes from family was just to much to bear and sent me into crying fit. I decided to check my emails (I haven't done this since black Wednesday when I got my negative beta). Friends had written to me about the negative and I wrote them back with tears streaming down my face. Once of them caught on and wrote back: "Happy, Unhappy Birthday"

I decided that I had to do something, today. I picked myself off of the floor from the fetal position and went snowboarding. Not for too long, not too hard, not too fast - I'm out of shape from all of this baby-making tries, and the snow was very, very hard and icy. It is always a good day when I can drive myself home and not be in pain.

*****
Someone that is familiar with my issues, told me
"You shouldn't try again because of genetic problems:
"What genetic problems? I don't know of any."
"The folic acid thing"

Oh shit, that has nothing to do with my lack of getting pregnant. After all of my extensive blood tests, it was determined that my MTHFR homozygous mutation did not effect my folic acid intake because my homocysteine were extremely low (this is good). I even take the extra folic acid / vitamin B combo in a FABB tab (my RE said it isn't necessary). I tried to explain my MTHFR condition, but I could tell that the "genetic mutation" thing took priority over everything. I'm not saying that I should try again with my own eggs, but MTHFR is not a reason to not try. The reason not to try is that I have old, rotted eggs. Then, I had to throw in that I was carrying a normal, healthy female in my womb when she fell out at 13 weeks. There - no what do you have to say?

I'm back on the DE / adoption route. I wonder why I should bother to carry a baby if I have no genetic link. I'm even looking up DE in Europe where it is much cheaper than here. Yes, it may be cheaper, but what am I getting? Who knows? I know the quality and QC in the states is very good, but it is unknown in Europe (especially the less expensive countries). How do I really, really know if it is safe? Why does this European IVF clinic only have a success rate of 65%. My RE tells me donor egg and IVF will put me in the 75-80% success rate. I would think that clinics may lie about their stats. If they are lying at 65%, then what is their real rate? Why is it so much lower than my expensive, well-known US clinic?

Honey, Try Again

2008-03-24T21:14:00.004-06:00

He has an uncanny way of knowing how I feel. The only person who has said anything to me about how I really feel. He mentioned my loss and desperation, and the fact that I am alone. He told me to try again and not to worry about statistics or money. He told me that god will give me a child. He went on to tell me biblical stories and the recent story of a man declared dead that wasn't really dead. There was a lot of cursing and crying because he was sloshed - very drunk.

This male relative had me bawling just before I went to work. My make-up was done and I was ready to head out the door. I tried to hold it together, but I couldn't. He was telling me things that I want to hear and wouldn't listen to my reason of why I shouldn't try again. "I'll put the fucking money in the mail right now". 'It's only money' doesn't sit well with me - it doesn't matter if it is mine or belongs to someone else. I don't like to throw it away; a 10% chance is throwing it away.

I'll be 44 tomorrow. It is difficult to even think of. I can not celebrate. I still haven't checked my emails (not since negative beta day), haven't opened birthday cards, or the package that I received.

Can I deal with going for another round? I'm an IVF junkie. An old, hopeless one. The looks that I get from the technicians, from the blood lechers, the nurses, .... I had to put up with their stares and little statements. "Do they know why you had a miscarriage?". I could hear it in her voice -
you are old, it will fail, give it up, poor girl - she has hope; how sad, ....

Why am I even entertaining the idea from a drunken relative who is talking with god? Am I that hopeless?

Weekend of Reflection

2008-03-23T15:49:00.005-06:00

Still depressed over my life (or lack thereof) and hiding out at home. I wasn't curled up in a fetal position the whole time, since I unclogged my sink. I had wanted to call a plumber because I imagined that I would be pregnant. My sink stopped working during the 2WW, so I was waiting for the beta to see how to handle the problem. Unfortunately, I got to perform the work (the sink now drains). Many tears during the sink fixing, because I had to empty my cabinet under the sink.

I found a pregnancy test that I misplaced. What do I do with that?
I found my anti-stretch mark butter cream that I used on my stomach during my pregnancy. What do I do with that?

-------------------------------------------

When my RE called me, he said "...let me know what you guys want to do..." He said "you guys" quite a few times during the conversation. I've had 2 meetings with him since I was dumped. At my post-miscarriage consultation, I told him that we were no longer a couple. At my IVF#3 failure, he was doing the "you guys" thing, so I corrected him and told him that I was single. I just didn't have the strength to correct him again. At least he remembers something about me (we must have made an impression on him during the initial consultation).

Last week, Sarah Solitaire had a post about the desire for a child that is genetically linked to her. I have to say that I feel the same way - I really want that genetic link. Maybe, that is why I am so down and depressed - it will not happen for me. I wouldn't mind to try again. My body can handle it, but my purse can not. My RE said he would support me to try again. I look at Alexis Stewart (Martha's daughter) with envy since her mother can support her trying again, and again, and again. Of course, if she doesn't get pregnant then there shouldn't be an envy. I want my own baby that is linked to me. I know that I would love a child brought to me via DE or adaption as my own, but I crave that link that can never be. An adopted child can run away to find their bio parents (I probably would have done that during my rebellious teenage years). If I was adopted, I would have screamed all kinds of things at my parents (not that I didn't scream unkind things at them, but I think it would cut a lot more if I could have used 'adopted' as additional ammunition). I know that an adopted child or child conceived through DE would be my child as much as the genetic child. I guess I am selfish.

Even if I did have the funding, did IVF 10 more times, and finally get a positive, what about genetic problems with the baby? At my age, the chances of a problem are something to think about. I can't imagine the pain of terminating a much desired pregnancy. However, it is difficult to think about the pain of not having a child.

Even my family is giving me the donor egg (DE) and adaption speeches. Support has waned for using my own eggs due to costs and potential genetic issues and the statistics for my age group.

My birthday is in 2 days. Just writing about my birthday make me cry. The thought of another birthday, of being alone, of not being pregnant, of never being pregnant is too much for me to think about. I can't celebrate my birthday. Not a birthday that puts me in an age group that is "too old" to have a baby, that is statistically very unlikely to have my own, healthy baby. I really don't want family or friends to recognize my birthday because it is like rubbing salt in my wounds. I don't think I can go to work and have people say "Happy Birthday". I think I will take the day off and go snowboarding by myself. I am so out of shape after my latest IVF cycle, and I am sure I will cry so I don't need to be with anyone.

And, I am still without a fucking front tooth. I'm sure I'll bitch about that more in future posts, but right now, I need to curl back into my fetal position on the floor.

Utterly Devastated

2008-03-21T21:25:00.002-06:00

I have been having a really difficult time. In fact, I was kind of equating this to the type of feelings that I had after my miscarriage. My current despair is not in the same ballpark as the miscarriage, but I am so down and crying a lot. I have had two other negative IVF cycles and 4 negative IUIs - none of those had me feeling like I am from my latest negative beta. I am so devastated, feel so alone and hopeless. I can barely hold it together when my father tells me to try again. It is so stupid - how can I keep spending an insane amount of money at a 10% chance of keeping a baby. If I do donor eggs, then I have a 75-80% chance of success.

While I was in my latest IVF cycle, I kept thinking if it was negative I would start to exercise a lot, go snowboarding, loose some weight, and get in shape. I couldn't do that during IVF, because I was trying to prep my body for a while. I read about the 'fertility diet' in a Newsweek article; so, I ate some fatty dairy products (I usually do non-fat or low-fat dairy). I cut out my milk consumption because my acupuncturist thought it was bad for me. I stopped eating bowls of cereal because I felt it wasn't very healthy and a friend's acupuncturist told her to stop and she became pregnant.

I stopped drinking chocolate milk (both cold and hot). I don't drink tea or coffee, so when I am cold I like hot chocolate. I like cold chocolate milk because I crave it. I really tried to eat healthy by eating lots of protein (I'm a veggie head), fruits and veggies. Now, some of you might be thinking "she's a vegetarian, so how hard can it be?" Well, the truth is that I am more of a junk food vegetarian - I don't like veggies that much. I love chocolate milk. I love asparagus. I love my home made spinach and black bean burritos. OK, I am not into total junk but when I like something, I eat it. I really don't like bananas, apples, kiwi, grapes, but I forced myself to eat these things. And for what? I'm like 'fuck this' and had a chocolate milk, yesterday. I hadn't had one in months.

This blog is so depressing. I am so depressing. I thought that I was getting better. Paid off the bitch, was looking forward to my IVF (I got the money from refinancing my home), and had a great cycle for an old bag. Now, I feel like I did one month post miscarriage. I have taken giant steps backward. I am devastated that this cycle didn't work.

My RE called, yesterday. He would support another go (I am a good money maker for his office), but strongly suggests donor eggs. He told me that they couldn't have hoped for a better cycle (except for the final outcome). It is likely that my good looking embryos had a genetic problems; this means that they were old and decrepit.

Back to my mourning.

Crestfallen

2008-03-19T23:34:00.005-06:00

The news came on my cell phone while I was at work. I didn't cry.
I also didn't leave work until 10 pm. No dinner, no caring for my safety. I just don't give a shit.

The tears came while walking to my car. The tears flowed while driving home. It is a good thing that I have a box of tissues in my car.

I feel so alone. I am barren. I have no future. I am in financial ruin for paying for 4 IVFs and 4 IUIs and tons of tests. My heart is still broken over my lost relationship. My emotions are fragile over being dumped. I lost my best friend (not really lost since she ran away from me). I will never be pregnant. I had no idea that my 2.5 months of pregnancy (3 months along) would be it - forever.

The IVF nurse sounded so apologetic, and I didn't show any emotion to her. My RE will call me on Friday, but I don't need to talk to him. I don't need him to rub salt in my wounds. I know that I have old, rotted eggs that no longer work. I don't want to hear the donor egg suggestion. I can't afford any more. I am done.

I knew this was coming, and I am still falling apart.

Here are some statiscially insignificant IVF statistics (based on 4 IVFs):

I now have a 100% failure on my IVF cycles when I did accupuncture. Did I ruin my chances by doing accupuncutue?
I have 100% failure rate using Menopur
50% success rate (for getting pregnant) when no accupuncture was involved
50% success rate using Repronex
100% failure rate for carrying a healthy baby to term

Obviously, I don't want to go to sleep. I just tossed my pills that were on my night stand. I delete the medication reminders from my cell phone. I still have to cleanup all the meds, needles, and fertility crap that is out and about in my house.

Another Worthless List:

1 D&C to remove polyps
1 hysteroscopy to remove polyps that were not removed during the D&C
1 D&C to remove 3 month old dead baby from my womb
1 mole removal on my areola (my lifelong 'beauty mark' is gone). {beauty mark is what my mother called moles}
2005 - first fertility tests
2006 - 4 IUIs + 1 IVF
2007 - 2 IVFs (includes 1 Pregnancy for 3 months)
2008 - 1 IVF

My nose is totally clogged up from crying. My ears are closed. Sleep will not come easy tonight.

Bracing for the Call

2008-03-19T11:49:00.003-06:00

I had my beta and am still waiting for the results. I know what the call will say, so I am bracing myself. I took not one, but two HPTs this morning. One $Tree and the other Clear Blue digital. Both were very clear. Both broke my heart.

I'm not doing the afternoon progesterone because it won't be needed.

Eve of the Last Beta of My Life

2008-03-18T21:48:00.003-06:00

This evening, before my last beta that I will ever have, is painful. sad. agonizing. And, another negative hpt. I used my Dollar Tree test in the am, and before bed, I broke out the expensive Clear Blue Digital. It clearly stated "Not Pregnant".

I fear that this cycle is a bust. And, things went so well (15 eggs, 11 to fertilize, and 6 to implant). It was my best stats for this nearly 44 yr old, barren woman. Shit, my birthday is next week. I will be 44. I will be childless. I will be barren. I will be alone. I will be sad.

I keep wanting to cry. I felt some very slight cramping, and I still have hope. Even as I write about how this cycle has failed, I still have hope and will be crushed when the call comes in. It goes something like this: "Sorry hon, but it is negative. Stop taking all medications"

Fuck this shit. Another 20K down the drain. I might as well hit financial bottom since I'm at an emotional bottom.

The pregnancy drug hormones that I am taking play tricks on me. I feel slightly dizzy at times, very thirsty, hungry, and slight cramps, and dark circles under my eyes. I want to see that fucking HPT tell me "Pregnant". I want to see that fucking Test line shine. My beta is at 8:30 am. I will take 2 hpt tests in the morning; my last Dollar Tree and my last Clear Blue.

Feeling Sad

2008-03-16T12:23:00.002-06:00

I peed on a stick. I'm sure you can guess the results. Only 3 more days of peeing, then the beta on the last pee day. I really hate the way the nurses wait until almost 5 pm to make the "sorry, hon" calls. I bet they draw straws and procrastinate until the end of the day. That has to be one of the worst part about their jobs.

I still have March 10 indelibly pressed into my brain. It was a Saturday when I got the call at 11:30 am to tell me it was positive. I'm sure that I will never hear those words uttered again in my life (at least pertaining to me for a pregnancy). All other calls from a medical office better be negative (what else is good news to hear positive?).

Symptoms of Stupidness

twinge in my abdomen
bags under my eyes
tender breasts
peeing more than normal
one dizzy spell
hungry during the night
actually, hungry all the time
eating like a pig

Reasons why I am Stupid

I am on pregnancy hormones (progesterone and estrogen)
I'm eating so much that my stomach is stretched, thereby making me hungry
I'm not sleeping well, so I have bags under my eyes
Stomachs tend to twinge all the time
I have noted dizzy spells when not trying to get pregnant
I am not peeing as much as I did when I was pregnant
I really don't feel much

It is so depressing to think that this will not work. Part of me thinks that it will work, that I am pregnant. But my brain kicks in and tells me how stupid - a 5% chance is a 5% chance. The chance of getting pregnant really, really sucks. I am nearly 44 yrs old - what the fuck am I thinking. I am destined to be a barren, old maid.

Another Day, Another Negative HPT

2008-03-15T12:42:00.004-06:00

Day 10 post ET and another very, very clear negative. After reading some Internet posts, I get the feeling that I shouldn't see anything to I should get a positive by day 13 of ER (I had a 3 day transfer).

My stomach is churning at the thought that I'm not pregnant. I feel that I am damned if positive and damned if negative.

I have to say that this wait is much worse than the other waits, because I know this is the last attempt at IVF. I feel embarrassed and crazy for even trying IVF with my 5% chance of getting pregnant (statistic from my RE). Am I pathetic for throwing money away on my hopeless IVF quest. Since 2006, I have had a mission to try and get pregnant. It is now 2008 and I am at the end of the line.

Day 9 Post ER - Negative

2008-03-14T16:04:00.002-06:00

Another day, another negative. I know, it is crazy to test. But, I am still disappointed to see that negative. I am really starting to fear failure. Part of me still thinks this time worked no matter what. It has to work, because this is my last attempt. How could it not?

Accupain

2008-03-13T21:37:00.003-06:00

Who thinks accupuncture feels good? I find it painful, and I certainly do not feel like I am 'floating on air' after an accupain session. I think that I would rather have a nice massage.

I had a first, today. A couple of bruises (one is really visible) from the accupain. I can't wait to show my guy what he did to my stomach. The pic also shows my stomach sticking out. I look like I had a huge dinner. What if I'm not pregnant - then I'll have to loose all of this excess weight.

I know that I should NOT think of symptoms. No, symptoms are a bunch of bullshit. Yet, I had a dizzy spell and a foot cramp. I know, I know. Fuck the symptoms. I am on estrogen and progesterone - my body thinks that I am pregnant. My hopes are rising and I hope they aren't dashed like IVF #3.

Day 9 post ET: Negative (Dollar Tree hpt). What did I really expect? I am so stupid - I am disappointed. I'm starting to get really scared that this didn't work.

Antsy

2008-03-13T00:37:00.003-06:00

I am getting a bit agitated and having trouble going to sleep. My mind is starting to think about all of the "what ifs" that flood my life right now.

What if I get pregnant?
What if I get pregnant and have a m/c, again?
What if I get pregnant and have complications and can't travel for work?
How dare I even think about being pregnant
What if I am not pregnant? Can I get on with my life? I've been consumed with baby making since 2006. I will have to learn to live with myself.

I am still fat and bloated. My belly is sticking way out, but that is due to food excess and drugs. Time for the pussy pellet.

Getting Fat

2008-03-11T22:16:00.002-06:00

Did anyone read that Newsweek article about eating full fat dairy foods? My mother was chastising me for drinking non-fat milk and consuming low-fat yogurts. In my heart, I know that my full fat cheese fetish should be enough to keep my fertility diet going, but I broke down and have been on a full-fat cream cheese kick. There is nothing like good old Philly cream cheese. I'm only eating it because it may make me pregnant.

In the mean time, my stomach is growing (and it isn't a baby causing the growing). In order to eat my full-fat cream cheese, I have to put it on a daily slice of bread. On top of the cream cheese is a runny egg. Since the ER, I have stopped the runny egg thing. The egg just doesn't taste as good.

The embryologist did not call me today. I bet the those poor, sub-par embryos just couldn't make it. That gets me thinking - maybe I have the same problem with the embryos that are inside me as the duds on the outside.

I keep reading about the slim chance of older women. I have never been old before, but in the fertility world I am fucking ancient. I need to stop Internet research because the news for me ain't good.

I think about the boards and wonder if I should check back in. However, I'm having superstitious issues and am worried it will bring me bad luck.

This Morning's Dream

2008-03-10T18:34:00.003-06:00

Since the ET, I have been very tired. The ET was Sat. On Sunday, I woke up at 7 for a pee and drugs (insert a pussy pellet and ingest estrace). I fell back asleep and was woken up at 10:30 am by a phone call. Today, I did the same 7 am thing and feel back asleep until 9:30. Since I had to go to work today, it made it interesting (i.e., very late).

During my morning snooze, I had a dream that seemed real. I woke up from my couch slumber to smell something burning. My grandmothers aluminum frying pan was on the stove (lower left) with nothing in it. The burner was on, so the pan was on fire and was melting. There was so much smoke and I was afraid the alarm would go off. I shut the burner and opened the sliding door for some fresh air. I wondered how the stove was turned on and how my grandmother's frying pan ended up on my stove. I mean, I don't even have it in my house. She lived in Florida and died two years ago. In my dream, I was telling people the story and tears would come to my eyes because I knew it was a paranormal event.

So, does this dream have any meaning? Aluminum may have been on my mind because I was looking for BPA free water bottles. It seems that SIG aluminum bottles are an option, but I was not comfortable with aluminum (even though it is coated). My grandmother used an aluminum pot and pan set for 50 years (it not 50, then when ever aluminum was available). Maybe my grandmother is trying to tell me something. I hope I get a "message" from my other grandmother.

Acupuncture Crap

2008-03-10T18:00:00.002-06:00

So many people that I know really believe in acupuncture. I guess that I should believe it works, but I think it is a bunch of crap. I had some stupid notion that acupuncture would feel good - like a massage. Nope. It hurts. I pay to have someone stick needles in my and cause me pain.

I just love it when he tries to find my qi (chee). Today, he is moving the pin around in my scalp.

"Do you feel anything?"
"Yes, it feels like you are moving a needle around in my scalp"

If acupuncture really works, then it shouldn't matter what I think, right? I know that there is "scientific evidence" that shows it may be helpful. There are write-ups in medical journals. So, I figured "what the fuck". What is a few extra $100s when I spend thousands on my last IVF cycle.

I need to go and soak my feet in hot water so my cleaved embryos will cling to my womb. Yea, right.

Feeling Update for a Change

2008-03-09T12:35:00.002-06:00

I feel hopeful for a change - 6 cleaved embryos are in me. Maybe one will take and stay and be genetically normal? I know that is a lot to ask, but it seems to happen to women all of the time.

I want to say my positive experience during my embryo transfer (ET). I was always so uncomfortable during the ET due to the full bladder issue. This time was different - I had a great ultrasound (u/s) tech that would check my bladder and let me release some into a cup. She would show me how much to fill the cup. I did this a couple of times and was so comfortable that I didn't need to use the bed pan after the procedure. The bed pan was put to use for my 3 previous IVFs; boy, is that messy (the pee runs down my butt crack). I have no idea why this wasn't done in the past, but it makes a huge difference in comfort levels.

Speaking of comfort, I know that I mentioned that the accupuntcture wasn't that comfortable. I actually have bruises on the tops of my feel where I was stuck with needles. When the acupuncturist came back in the room and observed the tears running down my face, she said "it is good to cry. It is a big day and the Chinese say it is good to release rather than to hold it in". She probably just tried to make me feel OK. I decided not to tell her why I was crying because I was afraid that I might start to sob. Why did I cry? I am still devastated by the way my ex left me after 11 yrs. Will I ever trust anyone again?

Bed Rest
Bed rest by myself is not easy. I have to stand to pull some food together. I really wanted eggs, but that would mean I have to stand for too long. Then I think of all the IVF procedures where bed rest is not recommended. Does it really matter?

I am buying some pee sticks this week. I'll get a bunch of dollar store sticks so I can start when hcg should be zero. I want to make sure that I don't get a false positive.

ET for IVF#4

2008-03-08T23:37:00.002-07:00

I hate telling people this is my 4th time doing IVF. I feel that I am being judged by the staff - I can see how they look at me. I have to constantly write my age and the year I was born. I bet there aren't too many women who were born in 1964. I never felt old, but at the clinic, I am just ancient.

I did the before and after acupuncture. Like the first IVF, the needles feel out of my ear. I told the acupuncturist and she put it back in. I was worried that it would fall out again, but she told me it was in. It fell out within 2 minutes of her leaving the room. She had asked me about my history, so I told her about the m/c. I got to thinking about that and how my partner of 11 yrs left me. I thought of how horrible she was to me and how she treated me during my m/c. I started to cry, but couldn't wipe my eyes because I had needles in my wrist.

On to happier news.....
Embryologist's Report:

12 cell - grade A
8 cell - grade A
8 cell - grade B
7 cell - grade A
6 cell - grade A
6 cell - grade A
4 cell
2 cell

Grade A is less than 10% fragmentation, and B is 10-20%.
I had 6 cleaved embryos put back into me (the 6 to 12 cells). I don't think the 2 or 4 cell will make it to be frozen in 3 days.

I am incubating and doing the bed rest thing. May I say that bed rest by your self is very difficult. It sucks. Soup is not good for bed rest because I had to sit up and eat having over my soup instead of reclining.

My back is hurting.

Fertilization Report

2008-03-08T23:35:00.003-07:00

I got the call the day after ET, but I have not posted. So, here it is - the report is good. It could always be better, but it could have been a lot worse.

15 eggs
11 mature
8 Fertilized

Good ER News

2008-03-05T21:57:00.002-07:00

Good news for a change. The doc got 15 eggs from my old, decrepit body. Eveyone seemed surprised, but I was cautioned that some of the eggs could be immature. If an egg is immature, then it can not be fertilized. The embryologist can not ascertain the maturity of the eggs until the protective coating is removed for the ICSI (injected a sperm into the egg).

I had the prep nurse and anasthesiologist both asking me "how many times have you done this?" I felt like they were disapproving and I am a desperate 43 yr old with a 5% chance that is throwing money down the toilet.

I Better Not Pop

2008-03-04T21:33:00.002-07:00

My ER is tomorrow morning. I forgot to eat lunch today, so I am worried that I starved my body of nutrition and my follicles will wither and die. My other worry is that my follicles have released eggs. My other worry is that my eggs are rotted. How many other worries can I have? Apparently, a lot.

I gave blood, today, and didn't hear from the nurse. That is a good sign, since they only call if there is a problem.

Golly gee, how many eggs with the doctor retrieve? Will they be genetically sound? I wonder if I should have done testing. What if an embryo implants only to be defective. I don't think I can bear another spontaneous or induced abortion.

Trigger Happy

2008-03-04T02:50:00.003-07:00

I received my trigger shot at 1 AM thanks to my sister. I manager to get through this IVF cycle without having to give myself an IM shot. I think my arms are too short for such a maneuver.

Last Follicle Check (in cm) on 3/3/08 (I did a better job of printing both pages):
R1: 2.25
R2: 1.55
R3: 1.60
R4: 1.50
R5: 1.45

L1: 2.29
L2: 1.71
L3: 1.39
L4: 1.38
L5: 1.34

I Will Test

2008-03-02T15:56:00.002-07:00

Last time, I decided not to test. Well, fuck that. This time I will be a testing queen. I'll buy the digital, expensive tests for day before and morning of beta. Dollar Tree starting a few days before beta. I'm not sure about Dollar Tree, because even when I was pregnant it never got that dark.

Count Down

2008-03-02T15:18:00.003-07:00

Another dildo cam day with a shot in the ass and a stick in each arm. Dutifully, I always appear at my RE's office early. Yesterday, I was in the office at the scheduled time of my Repronex IM shot, so I had the nurse give me the shot. Unfortunately, for me, she was from a different department and not too skilled at IM shots. I could tell she was nervous and very upset when she caused me a great deal of pain. It is 30 hrs later, and I am still limping.

Back to today - the good news is that I have too many follicles to print on one page. The bad news is that I only print page 2 of 2 when I do my sneak printing. I was told that my right side has 4 follicles plus 5 small ones. My left side is as follows (avg in cm):

L1: 1.39
L2: 1.42
L3: 1.83
L4: 0.91
L5: 1.00

Tomorrow, I may try to hit page-up and print the first page. Then, I will need to hit page-down to leave the screen as the tech left it.

Each time I give blood, the tech likes to use my right arm. Today, I was impressed when the Phlebotomist went for the left side. My admiration quickly dissipated when she couldn't get blood and moved the needle around (which hurt and left me sore). She gave up and went to the right arm where there weren't any problems.

It looks like ER will be 3/5 and ET 3/8. My biggest problem is getting a ride. I have no friends (no one that knows what I am doing and can take time off of work). Most likely, I will share my nieces' nanny.

"One follicle looks like it has arrested its development" that was uttered by my nurse, has caused me great concern. I wonder if all of my follicles contain rotted eggs and they will all arrest in development. I think back to my previous 3 IVFs and how I had no embryos to freeze. I feel that even if I had some to freeze, they probably wouldn't thaw. So, I am old and have rotted eggs. I'm almost 44 yrs old. Does this even make sense to try? I beat the odds with my oral implant failing (less than 5%), can I beat the odds with this baby quest?

I took this pic a few days ago - all bloated from stimming (I've gained 8 pounds).
The black and blues are where I hit veins while doing sub-q shots. Maybe I should draw a map of my abdominal veins so I know where to avoid sticking myself.

Chicken Check

2008-02-26T11:09:00.002-07:00

I had my first egg check (follicle check, actually). I feel like a chicken that is trying to produce eggs. I'm more along the lines of my last Repronex cycle (IVF#2) when I got pregnant. When the nurse left the room, I pressed the little 'Print' button and snagged myself a copy of the report.
I'm not sure which numbers to report, so I will just show the first number (cm):

R1: 1.24
R2: 0.75
R3: 0.86
R4: 1.30
L1: 0.93
L2: 1.18
L3: 0.55
L4: 0.82

The nurse told me there are some smaller follicles that were not measured. I sure hope my eggs are not genetically challenged.

Feeling Hopeful

2008-02-25T23:29:00.000-07:00

Tuesday morning is my first u/s to check for follicles. Oh, how I love the dildo cam. Does anyone else make sure they have a good trim/shave job for procedures?

I am hopeful that I've got some follies growing. During my last IVF cycle (#3), I was on Menapur and was very disappointed in the number of follicles. I sure hope that the Repronex and acupuncture are doing something for me.

I feel fat and bloated, so maybe my ovaries are growing and bursting with follies. Or, it may be the glass of chocolate milk that I had to have after my extra large burrito dinner.

Am I Crazy?

2008-02-24T21:56:00.003-07:00

I'm still wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life. I feel so misplaced, so disconnected. I have isolated myself and pulled into my shell. It makes me wonder how I will deal with being a mother if that should happen. Then, I think 'how ridiculous' to think that I would actually be a mother from this IVF cycle. Who do I think I am to expect a pregnancy that results in a healthy baby? The chances are practically nill.

The last time I had to go in for blood work at my RE's office, the 'good phlebotomist' asks me 'do they know why your embryos don't stick?'. Well, fuck me - because my god damn fucking eggs are rotted you bitch. Nothing like feeling like shit when going through this IVF hell. I can't wait for her to stick me again. And, the bitch gave me a black and blue.

I have enough doubt since my RE tells me that I have a 5% chance. How come I am in the 5% of people that have a failed tooth implant? Can I beat the percents? Whey do I think I can beat it? What would happen if I do? Just me and baby all alone, locked up in the house?

What the fuck am I doing? I'm on a quest, but I wonder if I have thought through everything.
Last year, I spent about $100,000 on extra expenses. This year, I am up to $100,000. I am being left in debt and without money. I'm worried that I may become pregnant and have a special needs baby.

On Tuesday, I go for my first follicle check since I started stims. What will it tell me? Of course, I am worried that I will hear 1 follicle on your left and none on your right. I'm really hopping that doing IM shots with Repronex will give me better stats than last time.

Here I Go, Again

2008-02-23T11:28:00.002-07:00

It has been a long time. I have kept of the fertility boards and have kept to myself. The 'kept to myself' part is probably not good, but it is was I have been doing.

It took me a while, and I dragged my feet until I called my IVF nurse to get going. Of course I had to run through all the hoops:

Clomid challenge
U/S check, blood work
Annual physical, PAP, breast exam, mammogram
communicables testing (STDs) - even though I haven't been with anyone

Breast Issue
Since I needed a quick physical, I made an appointment with the nurse instead of the doc. This nurse noticed a mole on my breast and made a note of it in my files. I have had this mole on my areola (flat, hairless) my whole life. It last changed shape at puberty when it got stretched. I was shocked when my IVF nurse called and told me they could not continue my cycle until I get the mole checked out by a dermatolgist. In a panic, I get an appointment with the PA (the doc would take months to see) . I was sure she would say 'OK' and fax a letter to my RE. Unfortunately, she thought there was a problem. I argued so much that she called in the doc (so, I got to see her anyway); the doc would not sign off either. I felt like I was forced to get a punch biopsy. They didn't hold me down, but if I didn't agree it was no IVF for me.

My mole measured 9 mm so she used the largest punch, 8 mm. The needles in my areola didn't hurt, especially when compared to the needles in my mouth for oral surgery. I have 1 internal deep stitch and 2 external. I was pissed that I have been disfigured. I hope that my nipple and ducts were not effected. I can't tell. Then I think, what does it matter unless I have a baby - how presumptuous of my to think I will have a baby suckling at my breast.

After the punch, I went to work. 3 hrs later - woa baby. The pain started. It was so bad that I took extra strength Tylenol (which I never do). It didn't do a fucking thing. My breast hurt for 2 days. Now (1 week later), the stitches are bothersome. I keep putting ointment on to keep it moist.

2008 IVF Calendar

1/31 Menses
2/2 BCP
2/16 Last BCP
2/18 U/S check - clear, no cysts. Blood work
2/20 Start taking 20 units of Lupron each morning and night (12 hrs apart. I picked 8 am and 8 pm. I was also supposed to start taking Dexamethasone at night, but I though it was for ET and didn't start until 2/22. Continue on Lupron and Dex for rest of cycle
2/22 Begin stims: Repronex (2 amps morning) and GonalF (300 at night). Since the Repronex is injected intramuscular (IM), it is causing me problems. After watching many videos, reading blogs, and trying to run through the motions, I decided that I can not inject myself. My RE's office is far, far away but I have a sister who is a nurse. So, each morning, I drive myself to the ER of a local hospital and sneak in through the ambulance bay. I mix and she shoots (less than 5 minutes, probably 3 minutes)
3/4 Estimated ER
3/7 Estimate ET

What the fuck do I do?

2007-10-14T00:00:00.001-06:00

I just wish I can stop time so I can think. I feel the clock ticking away, ticking away. I don't have time.

If I do another cycle:

I am a desperate woman
I am an idiot
My RE gave me a 15% chance of it working.
I have old, rotted eggs
Maybe it will work (very hopeful and optimistic)

Donor eggs are my best option for having a baby, but there will not be any genetic link. Is that so bad? Do I want to spend 30 grand on that? Do I want to spend 20 grand on another IVF try with only 15% chance of it working. Do I just close my eyes and jump?

Depression (continued)

2007-10-05T00:52:00.001-06:00

I am spending my time researching depressions and crying and sobbing. What is wrong with me? Why all of this crying and profound sadness? Is it because I will never be pregnant and never be a mother? Or, because I am so alone and have lost my love? It angers me to hear her words bouncing around in my head "You are better off without me. You don't care for me. You won't notice that I am gone." How untrue, but then again she could never see the truth.

It was always as I had said - she was aloof and didn't love me too much. I would point out the pictures that showed me touching her, but she is standing with her arms against her own body. She would laugh and tell me it wasn't true. But, look at me now. I'm pretty sure she is not like me, not like me at all. She probably has been with someone else by now. She only sees me as a source of money to fund her miserable life. She doesn't care for me. How, how can she have dropped me from her life so quickly. Especially, when I needed her so badly. She fails to see how I supported her and was there for her. When I need her, she dumps me forever. Not only dumps me, but stabs me in the back and twists the knife around.

She wouldn't want to cuddle with me, she didn't want to touch me or hold my hand - always had an excuse but told me that I was crazy. Now, I know it was true and I was right all of these years. I hung on to someone that didn't love me, but hated me. Only someone that hates me could do this. How could someone love me for 11 yrs and leave so abruptly at the worst time in my life? Answer - she didn't love me. It is so painful to write. I loved her. I needed her so badly. I am so alone.

I cry and cry. Am I having hormonal issues? I had ovulation pain that hurt more than any other ovulation pain. I have had lots of pregnancy symptoms, so I realize that symptoms are a bunch of bullshit. Why so sad. Because I will never have a great love again? I will never have someone to share my life with, to trust, to love. How can I ever trust again? I will never be pregnant, never know the joys of pregnancy, the joy of having a child. It isn't for me.

My shirt is covered in tears. My arm is wet from falling tears.

Research is showing me that up to 50% of woman experience depression after a miscarriage. The rate of depression goes up for childless woman. How about the rate going way up for those that were dumped after 11 yrs, or those that will never be a mother? How much more does the rate of depression go up for someone with my circumstances?

The good news is that I don't think that I have major clinical depression (I shower each day). But, I feel that I am majorly depressed. I have major problems.

Depressed

2007-10-04T18:30:00.001-06:00

I am depressed. There is an empty hole in my heart, a twisting feeling in my belly, and general sadness.

I have lost my lover of 11 yrs
I was dumped
I had a miscarriage at 3 months
My ex-partner was very mean to me just hours after my miscarriage (and continued to be mean each time I saw or had corresponse with her)
I am without a front tooth since July 19 (no tooth on the horizon for at least 2 months)
I have hired an attorney (costing me a lot of money)
My ex wants over 6 figures from me. I will have to per her a significant amount of money
My last IVF failed, and I am not pregnant
I can't afford to keep trying
I am too old to have a child and my eggs are rotted
What would I do with a baby all by myself? What if I get depressed?
After IVF, attorney, and paying off the ex, I will have no money in savings.
My life is so different. I am sad and crying a lot.
I have withdrawn from friends. I don't want to see or talk to anyone.
How could I have a child and be so isolated?
Why even worry about it, I don't have money to try again. I have old, rotted eggs.
I don't have any more vials from my preferred sperm donor and he is retired.

Halle Berry

2007-09-22T17:31:00.001-06:00

I have been in my expected, depressed state after hearing about my big fucking negative. I feel like I am in a deep fog and don't want to face life. Fortunately, life is socking my in the gut because I had to deal with the bitch's attorney. At least I am alive and feeling pain, sorrow, and sadness - how good it is to feel.

As I was getting the gray removed from my hair, I was reading the intellectual People magazine. It seems that Halle Berry is 3 months pregnant. I used to be 3 months pregnant. It made me feel badly to read the story. I'm 2 yrs old than she, will my rotted eggs ever produce a normal child?

My RE called me, yesterday. My cycle looked excellent on paper. Why, a 35 yrs old would have an 80% chance of achieving a pregnancy if she had 4 high quality embryos placed inside of her uterus. Since I got a bfn, then I probably had rotted eggs that would have resulted in an abnormal baby - hence, the natural selection of not getting pregnant. Well, my RE didn't quite put it in those words, but that is how I heard the news. Dr. RE will support me trying again, but wants to talk to me about donor eggs.

I am old
I have rotted eggs
Why should I expect a 43 yr old to get pregnant.
Why would a single woman get pregnant.
Why should I want anything
Why was I dumped

Sad, Sad

2007-09-17T23:26:00.001-06:00

So, my lazy ass embryos did not latch on and grow. What kind of ungrateful embryo brats did I create? I have not even shed a tear about the "negative test" until my group meeting on Monday night (that is 3 days after my beta). Why didn't I cry? Am I too devastated to cry? I can't afford to keep doing this. I would like to keep trying, but the money is overwhelming.

When do I stop?

Do I have an option, or will I be kicked out of the program? I have to face the reality that I will never be a mother. That I will never be pregnant, again. That I will never hold my new born infant in my arms. That I have spent $70,000 for a lot of heart ache and grief.

Big Fucking Negative

2007-09-14T15:56:00.001-06:00

"I'm sorry, hon, it is negative"

Those words are so devastating. There is nothing I can do, and no where I can turn. Life sucks.

I really thought that I might have been pregnant. That I beat the odds. I should stop thinking so highly of myself. I'm just an old, washed up, barren woman. I knew it would be bad news when I didn't hear from the nurse. The last time, when it was positive, I recevied the call by noon. Both negative calls where received after 3 pm. The nurses probably draw straws to see who makes the BFN calls.

The Morning of my BETA

2007-09-14T08:25:00.000-06:00

Here goes the last set of "symptoms" prior to my blood test. I feel that I may be pregnant, but I realize that it could all be from the hormones that I have been taking. It makes me sad that I could be duped into thinking that I am pregnant. Then I think "Well, what do I expect? I am 43 and alone - I should be realistic."

Boobs are not sore, but they seem fuller
Peeing a lot (my best symptom)
I weigh 140 (5 pounds more than when I started the IVF drugs)
Yesterday, I felt that woozy 'out of body' feeling, but just a little bit. Not like when I was pregnant.
I didn't pee much, yesterday so that has me worried.
I'm not spotting any more. The "spotting" that I did have was very, very light and little. I could barely see it. Or, it was my imagination. Maybe all of my so-called symptoms are my imagination. Maybe, I am just fucking crazy.
I feel minor cramping. Even after I relieve myself, so it isn't my bowels.
I get very, very hungry and eat much more than I think I can eat.
I've been wearing my blond grandmother's, fake aquamarine ring and a necklace from my mother that includes my great grandmother's wedding ring that my grandmother wore, a mazol that was given to my mother from her brother, a good luck horn that was my uncle's and a Jewish star (also my uncle's). My uncle and grandmothers have all passed away. So, I've been wearing the jewelry (non-stop, except for bathing) since the ET - very superstitious (and I'm not that way)

All of this could be AF knocking on the door. I will not POAS, and I am off to give my blood (after I eat breakfast, of course)

The Day Before Beta

2007-09-13T23:48:00.000-06:00

Today, I am convinced that I'm not pregnant. Yet, in the back of mind, I really think that I am. How is that for crazy. I have also convinced myself that I was pregnant on Tuesday, but I'm not now (a chemical).

I realize that either I am pregnant, I'm not pregnant, or I'm a little pregnant (chemical). Either way, it is what it is. I'll just find out.

For the first cycle ever, I am not POAS. I always knew the results in the past, but this time it is cold turkey for me.

I won't be shocked if it is or isn't. However, I will be crushed and devastated.

Travel To San Diego - am I pregnant?

2007-09-11T16:20:00.000-06:00

I am still stuck on symptoms. This morning, I really thought that I was pregnant, but not I don't think so.

More symptoms:

Very emotional [I keep crying while reading my book, listening to news, moment of silence of the 9/11 victims]
Felt a little woozy [maybe from 4 hrs of sleep]
Peed 4 times on a 2 hr 20 minute flight [maybe I shouldn't drink so much water]
Mild cramping [get real - AF is on her way, or I need to go to the bathroom]

Another day, another thought

2007-09-10T21:42:00.001-06:00

Another day in the TWO WEEK WAIT HELL

My thoughts range from

I'm pregnant
I'm having twins
Shit, how am I going to raise twins as a single mother
I'm not pregnant
How could I even hope that I would be pregnant and carry to term
I'm a loser, because I tried so hard to have a baby but couldn't do it
I am barren

I may not POAS this time around, because this TWW is so much harder. I'm going to be devastated if I get a BFN.

I have a work trip to keep my mind off of things. We'll see if I can stop myself from going to a drug store and buying a stick to pee on.

SYMPTOMS
I said I wouldn't do this, that I wouldn't pay any attention to "symptoms" because they don't mean anything. I'm trying, but that little voice keeps pointing them out to me. This is the same voice that tells me that I'm not pregnant. Here it is:

Boobs are sore [I'm taking estrogen and progesterone - of course they are sore]
I'm eating a lot [I'm a pig, and/or the hormones in item#1 are the reason]
I felt lower, abdomen twinges today [probably gas or normal, minimal pain events]
Headache [duh, don't I always have headaches?]
Peeing more than normal [see item#1]
Constipated [is this any different from not going for 6 days after implant surgery?]

TWW Hell

2007-09-09T18:38:00.000-06:00

Half the time, I think that I may be pregnant. I am proud of myself for being so positive, and smug that I will beat the odds and be pregnant again.

Then, I realize I will get that terrible phone call on Sept 14 to let me know that the beta was negative. All my hopes and dreams, all of my money down the tube.

I wonder where my life is going. I feel so empty, so alone. I don't know what the heck is going on.

Symptoms of Craziness

Eating a lot
Peeing, but I am thirsty and drinking a lot
Sore bbs (not sure - probably due to progesterone)
I just have to be!

Eating like a Pig

2007-09-08T12:41:00.000-06:00

I have started to eat a lot - is that a symptom?

I fell asleep at midnight and got up at 4 am to pee. If I pee every 2 hrs, then I will think I have HCG inside of my body (and a little bean growing).

This is my bruise from doing injections (I haven't done an injection in 10 days). The bruise is from 17 days ago (I think).

Will it work
Will it not
Hurry-up
My eggs are deforming around the clock

I Don't Feel Pregnant

2007-09-07T22:54:00.000-06:00

No sore boobs.

No peeing every 5 minutes

No getting up 6x during the night to pee.

No symptoms, therefore, not pregnant.

Ok, it is only 4 days post egg transfer (ET), but I want to be pregnant. I have much more pressure this time around, because more people know. My mother flew out to help me with ER/ET for christ's sake.

I'm still wearing my mother's gold chain that is complete with my great-grandmother's wedding rings that my grandmother wore, gold items that my belonged to my deceased uncle, and gold objects that my uncle had given to my mother. I should be on a beach in Boca. I'm also wearing a ring from my grandmother that died 9 yrs ago.

Did I mention that my ET was on the 9 yr anniversary of my grandmother's death? Does that mean something?

ET - better than I thought

2007-09-03T17:15:00.000-06:00

Here's my ET story: My mother gave me a necklace to wear that contained items from my uncle (he died a while ago), my great grandmother's wedding ring, and I wore a ring that was my grandmothers. Today was the day that my dear grandmother died 9 yrs ago. So many "death' reminders when I am trying to start a new life.

I didn't listen to the nurses and I peed when I got to the office, because I know my bladder fills quickly. When they checked my bladder, It was so full that they had me empty 1/2 cup. I felt more comfortable for this procedure because my bladder wasn't killing me. After the procedure, I had to hang around on my back for 40 minutes. I was trying not to use the bedpan, but couldn't make it - it is very messy, but at least the nurse left me alone for the deed.

I had a different RE do the procedure, but I liked her. The embryo news was pretty good:
8 cell 4
8 cell 4-
8 cell 4-
7 cell 3+

I was really afraid that I would only have 1 or 2 to implant. The doc reminded me that even though the embryos looks great, they could still have genetic problems. The embryologist told me that she was very happy with the embryo quality.

So, I am sitting and baking and hope that I can get 1 to implant and grow.

Fertilization Report

2007-09-01T13:45:00.001-06:00

Here is the scoop from the embroyologist:

5 eggs retrieved (that I knew)
4 eggs were mature
ICSI done on the 4 mature eggs
4 eggs fertilized

I am dissapointed that I had so few eggs. I said something to the embroyologist, and he pulled my stats to announce what I had at my LAST IVF:

15 eggs, 9 fertilized, 5 trasnferred - and I know that I got pregnant for 3 months.

If my egg quality is like the other times, I will lose 50% of the eggs by the time of the transfer. It scares me that I may only have 1 or 2 eggs to transfer. How could the RE think this cycle is just like the rest? Unless he knows something about the quality of this round. Maybe, maybe the quality is more? I never had all eggs fertilize, so maybe these are very high quality and I will end up with 8 cell, Grade A embryos for transfer.

Now, I wait for the ET on Monday. A nurse is supposed to call me with a time.

Egg Retrieval

2007-08-31T22:49:00.001-06:00

Waking up at 4:30 am was not fun. I really don't like to wake up and drive in the darkness (it is supposed to be light in the morning). I got to the doc's office 10 minutes early, but had to stand in the hallway for 20 minutes (it was even too early for the nurses). I was told that there was a full day of ERs, so it might have been good that I was the first.

Since I drank tons of water before my cut-off point, I was well hydrated and the IV did not hurt at all. In addition, there was a problem with the compressor and the room was very comfortable (ususally, I am extremely chilled). I love being rolled into the hallway and then waking up from a very comfortable nap. I slept for over 1 hour in the recovery room.

I am a little upset that my regular RE did not perform the ER. I had the latest hire, and he only got 5 eggs out of me. How could there be less eggs than my u/s? In the past, I always had MORE eggs. I wonder if my RE would have had the same results.

I am sure that my 5 eggs are really high quality. Let's chant

Quality, not quantity

Repeat 5,000 times.

Disappointing Stats

2007-08-29T21:56:00.001-06:00

I don't feel so great about my numbers.

Follicle Count
R1 23.7
R2 17.3
R3 22.1
R4 12.1

L1 23.0
L2 12.3

I think that it just sucks, but I can be hopeful that it will get me pregnant. I keep repeating to myself "Quality not Quantity".

What is She Doing to ME

2007-08-27T19:44:00.000-06:00

Why the heck did she leave me and why is she doing this to me. I am still in shock over being dumped, rejected, and vilified. It isn't like I cheated on her, or got into a big fight. I just don't understand. One day she tells me that she wants to be independent, and she leaves.

From the beginning, I was told (by her) that she is different. That she wouldn't never hurt me or do any unsavory financial things to me. She has been the worst to me. At least, I got all of my money that was owed to me by the one before. She told me that she wouldn't ask for 50%. She told me that she would never screw me. She is such a liar.

Not only am I alone and in dismay, but I lost my best friend. I don't have her to talk to anymore. She left me at the worst time of my life. She was mean to me during my miscarriage. Just hours after my hospitalization for my miscarriage, she yells at me that I will have to pay her for the house. The house where I paid 75% of all expenses.

Who is this person? Why is she doing this to me? I am so hurt that there just aren't words to describe what I am going through. The fucking bitch.

Sick to my Stomach

2007-08-26T14:00:00.000-06:00

I woke up a few times during the night thinking about getting a BFN (big fat negative) for this cycle. It makes me sick to my stomach. I am so scared about not being pregnant, because this is probably my last, last attempt.

It kills me, because I know that I can become pregnant, but maybe it will take 3 more tries. I just can't afford it.

Check out my Gonal-F bruise (I nicked a vein)

My Body is Failing

2007-08-25T22:15:00.001-06:00

Today's ultrasound did not pick up the slack. I only had one more follicle on the right side (R=4, L=1). What is going on? At my u/s check last month, I had 5-6 on the Right and 3 on the Left - that was UNMEDICATED.

I talked to the nurse about cancelling this cycle. My doc wasn't available for my file review, but a different doc told the nurse that he is not ready to throw in the towel. He thinks that I may be off to a slow start, but my response seems to be the same as the other times. Maybe, I will need to be on drugs a little longer. So, I cook some more and get checked on Monday.

Sucky Ultrasound

2007-08-23T23:38:00.001-06:00

It wasn't what I wanted to hear at my first ultrasound for this stimulation cycle. Actually, it sucks. I have 5 less follicles than last time.

Right Follicles
1 0.92 cm
2 0.94 cm
3 0.58 cm

Left Follicles
1 1.04 cm

The last cycle (when I got pregnant), I had 7 on the left on 2 on the right. What has happened to me?

The Last Solace

2007-08-23T00:11:00.000-06:00

Tonight was the last meeting for the Solace Group. Even though we had homework that I didn't like (this group was much more work than the general counselling group at my RE's office), I still benefited and hope to meet up with some of the crowd again.

I was asked about my future pregnancy. The leader wanted to know how I would feel when I passed the 12 week mark - would I feel relieved? My answer is "no" - I was naive about miscarriages before. There are so many late term miscarriages; the woman sitting next to me had one at 28 weeks. I will definitely be going to a support group when I am pregnant again.

Lupron - I didn' t have any reaction this morning or last night, so that is good. I wonder why I had a reaction for a couple of days.

I'm excited to see my u/s at tomorrow's appointment. I hope that I have an amazing number of follicles and that it leads to another BFP. I hope that I didn't use up my luck with my last pregnancy.

The C Word

2007-08-20T21:08:00.000-06:00

CANCEL

I can't believe that I heard the "C" word - Cancel your Cycle. WTF? It isn't a done deal, but I called to complain about a localized reaction that I am getting with the Lupron shots. It is itchy, but it is gone within 2 hrs. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Last night it was worse that today, so I hope it won't get worse.

MTHFR C677T gene polymorphism

2007-08-19T11:01:00.001-06:00

The expensive blood work came back with a positive for Methylene-Tetra-Hydro-Folate-Reductase (MTHFR) with 2 abnormal genes (homozygous C677T). About 10% of the population are homozygous (thermolabile MTHFR) which could mean elevated homocysteine levels. Thankfully, my homocysteine levels were normal (5.1 micromol/L) so I'm not at risk for a clotting disorder. MTHFR could mean impaired folate metabolism.

Homocysteine is a chemical in the blood that is produced whenan amino acid (a building block of protein) called methionineis broken down in the body. We all have some homocysteine inour blood. Elevated homocysteine levels (also called hyperhomocysteinemia)may cause irritation of the blood vessels. Elevated levels ofhomocysteine show an increased risk for (1) hardening of thearteries (atherosclerosis), which could eventually result ina heart attack and/or stroke, and (2) blood clots in the veins,referred to as venous thrombosis. [Varga E, Sturm A, Misita C, Moll S. Homocysteine and MTHFR Mutations Relation to Thrombosis and Coronary Artery Disease. Circulation. 2005;111:e289-e293]

Now, I get confused because there seems to be differences of opinion. However, I am happy with my doctor's recommendation to supplement with a combination pill (FABB tab) that contains 2.5 mg of Folic Acid, B6, and B12. I feel like I should do something because maybe my miscarriage was due to a folic acid deficiency? There are doctors who prescribe nothing, some that prescribe much more Folic Acid then I am getting, and some that also prescribe blood thinner injections.

Slacker on All Accounts

2007-08-19T08:44:00.000-06:00

It doesn't seem like I am much of a blogger. It has been a long time and lots of stuff has happened.

Tooth - First of all, I am much better (if you care). It is only a month later and I am no longer miserable. I look like I live in hills of Kentucky because my top, front tooth is missing but I am happy to not be in pain. I have a $300 retainer that I am not wearing. I carry it around where ever I go so that I know I can "put-in" my tooth if needed. After 1 month, I have worn my retainer for 40 minutes ($7.40/min) - I could wear it more to justify the expense, but it isn't the most comfortable thing. Also, my gums need air to heal - right?

My endodontist tells me that things look really good. He must mean my gums because he took no x-rays. If things continue to look "good", I will get an x-ray that will, hopefully, lead to a temporary crown. This temp will be screwed to the screw in my jaw bone that pokes out through my gum. Problem - I can't have an x-ray at his convenience since I have stuff going on.

Pokey Stuff - I have made the IVF cycle official by stabbing myself with needles. Let me back up to give a summary

I stopped BCP (birth control pills don't you know) on 8/14
My u/s showed no cysts. This is good. I didn't cry. I guess that is good.
I had to give blood, but didn't know that I would be visiting the blood draw room. My favorite tech was there and asked how I was. I responded with "Well, I'm back" and a not too happy look on my face. I know that she was dying to know what happened. I told her about MTHFR (hmm, I haven't posted on that yet, but I will save that for another post), and the usual "I don't know". It was sad to be back there.
I told the tech that I didn't know I was going to give blood, so I didn't drink enough water. I was chided for not drinking water all of the time. It seems that I should always drink the clear elixir - imagine that.
I meet with the billing department. Over $7,000 then another over $7,000 then something about $430. Oh, let's not forget the $750 that I just paid for another round of STD tests. It seems that my last tests that were 6 months ago had expired. During the 6 months, I was going through IVF cycles and whoring around town, was pregnant for 3 months, got unpregnant, got depressed and whored around, and got dumped, so I am a live alone whore. I guess it was the whore part that made me a high risk so I had to go through another round of tests.
Got a call from the credit card company to check on these outrageous charges. I was also queried on a 41 cents charge at Walmart. Yes, I had 2 photos (1 hr pickup) made for my miscarriage support group - I had to bring something to remembrance night. There's my belly at 12 weeks, there's my big belly at the water fall - there's a smile on my face (what is that?).
I am positive (not for STDs). Lets get on with making a baby, not about losing a baby.
I started my Lupron shots on 4/17. I started to forget what I needed to do so I had to review. My first 3 shots were great - I felt nothing. My 4th shot caused some pain. This morning's shot wasn't that great either. What happened?
I screwed up my Menopur shot this morning. I haven't done Menopur since November 2006. Back when I had a honey and hope and being naive. I put the entire 2 cc sterile water in the syringe and shot the whole thing into my belly. I realize that it was supposed to be 1 cc. I'm not too worried because I think that the only affect will be bruising.
I'm not getting enough sleep

I started to eat like a pig, yesterday. I was down to 135 pounds (lower than my pre-IVF weight). I think the food thing had to do with my period (which also started, yesterday). Or, maybe it is the injections, or maybe the steroids wanting to turn me into a large, burly woman.

Back to the x-ray. I can only have an x-ray after the ER but before the ET. There.

A Most Unpleasant Day - Tooth Implant Surgery

2007-07-19T09:33:00.000-06:00

The day started out pleasant enough, because I went for a mountain bike ride up South Table Mountain. The day was humid which resulted in me having more asthma issues than usual (I did not use my inhaler)

Fast forward to sitting in the dentist chair at 1 pm. I get a Q-tip that has a cherry flavored numbing agent that makes my mouth salivate. After a few minutes the endodontist (I'll just call him endo) came in and started to give me shots in my gums. It hurts when the numbing agent is spreading into my body. I get a whole bunch of shots near the #9 tooth (left front incisor) and a bunch near my top, left rear molars. As I squeeze my hands together, I wonder when I will stop feeling the pain from the injections. My body is so stiff, that my arm starts to shake. I concentrate on relaxing my muscles and trying not to arch my back. My lips feel huge and my left eye-lid feels funny. The endo tells me it is just my muscles relaxing. My nose is stuffy (actually, just my left nostril) and the tip is numb. I wish the rest of my muscles would relax like my face.

After I sit and "cook" for a while, and go through another round of shots (I still feel them). The endo and 2 assistants come in dressed for surgery. There is a lot of suction going on and commands "top", "bottom", "in", "out", and commands for me - "left", "right", "tilt back", "don't move". Sometimes I get tapped on the face when I don't respond. I squeeze my hands or the arm rests tightly. I still try to calm myself and tell myself that I don't feel the pain. However, I feel all of the pressure and vibrations. I feel and hear the scraping of my bone. I feel and hear the drill going into my bone (and the counter sink drill which gets used a lot).

When the endo mutters non-encouraging words and sighs loudly, I open my eyes. All work has stopped and everyone is just looking at me. The endo likes to talk to himself, so I get continually updates when things aren't going well. When I hear "what do I do?" and "why did they do that", I realize that things are not going to be easy. The prosthodontist (crown guy) works in the same office and comes in 5 times for consultations since my implant is proving difficult. There is a lot of "lingual" and "distal" talk in addition to the discussions of the angle and ridges.

I notice that the endo's right hand is shaking. At one point, he gets up and says "hand". I'm starting to open my eyes a lot and notice that shaking hand that is covered in my blood. I think that I should be part of an implant documentary with my view being the view of the camera. I get a good look at the hair that creeps up the neck of the endo.

There is a lot of discussion (mostly the endo talking to himself) over what type of graft material to use. He speaks in code to his assistants, so I'm not always sure what is going on. Later, I find out that I had a large hole and needed an extensive bone graft. The entire front of the implant is a graft, and the surrounding bone is soft. In short, my implant is precarious. The endo compared it to a compound leg fracture that is only supported by an Ace bandage.

I'm being worked on for over nearly 4 hours. The top of my head keeps going numb. Each chance I get to "relax", I lift my head and stretch my legs. I start to feel the drill in my bone a bit too much. I have to wait for him to finish drilling, since I don't want to move and hit his hand. I indicate to the technician that I am starting to feel things. The endo tells me he is in the middle of something and doesn't want to impeded my blood flow. So, I continue to feel but the pain isn't too bad. Eventually, I get more shots.

While I was being stitched up, I can feel the needles. Once again, I am told that he didn't want my blood flow impeded. The pain wasn't too bad, so I just felt the needles going in and out.

Finally, it was done but I had to fit for the retainer. By this point, the pain is starting but I still haven't picked up my pain pills. I am told to be really careful and keep my blood pressure down. This means no walking. I have to be a couch potato for at least a week. I was given the clear retainer that contains the fake tooth, but told to wear it as little as possible. So, I will not wear it at all until it is "safe". At this point, I don't care if I go around with a missing tooth. I paid $3,200 and was sent out of the office.

I went directly to the pharmacy in the building and filled my prescriptions. It seemed like a long wait. As soon as I got to my car, I popped a pain pill and drove straight home. Once home, I took another pain pill. It was a very long hour while I waiting for the pills to kick in.

Bike Ride Bad Feeling

2007-07-16T23:21:00.000-06:00

I'm having a thing against using an asthma inhaler. I'm trying to keep my body drug free in anticipation of TTC, but I end up being oxygen deprived. I attempted to ride my mountain bike up Green Mountain for exercise. I was having a difficult time and had to stop a lot to rest and hand my head (to avoid fainting). After a while, I realized that I was stopping more and more frequently and felt pretty bad.

The lack of oxygen was getting to me and I was over 3/4 of the way to the top. I finally decided that I didn't need to do myself in, so I turned about and rode down the hill. I have turned into a wimp and am afraid to go fast because I might fall on the gravel. I have had experience from this, so I turned into a granny.

Confusion

2007-07-14T23:20:00.001-06:00

I am continually torn over TTC or not. I know that a baby is a life changing event, and life as I know it will cease. When I was TTC and had a partner, I had some comfort in being with someone. Now, that I am alone, I question the sanity of having a baby.

What if the baby has mental or physical handicaps? I can't imagine caring for a healthy baby, let alone a special needs baby/child. How will I be able to handle having a baby and being alone? Will I be overwhelmed and be depressed and alone with a baby? Is it the right decision? Am I being selfish and stupid?

I am still in much pain over being dumped. Using my brain, it would be best to wait for a while until TTC. However, time is something that I don't have. I feel my fertility and egg quality slipping away as each second passes.

I am not recovered from my relationship and my miscarriage. I was looking forward to miscarriage counseling this week (better late than never), but it is the same day as my oral surgery so I doubt I will be attending. Now, I'm thinking about going to the surgery myself and being home by myself afterward. No one to care for me. No one to comfort me while I am in pain. I keep waiting for her to come home, but that will never happen (and it makes me so sad).

Insurance Woes

2007-07-13T22:03:00.000-06:00

I'm sick of waiting to hear about my coverage for a couple of blood tests. I would just go ahead and pay for them, except that the blood clotting test costs $3,000. The APA Panel (for immune disease) only cost a mere $180. My doctor's office put in the request to my insurance company, so I am in a wait mode.

Being bored with the wait, I called my insurance company to seek if I could gleam any information about coverage. I got the usual - we can't tell you anything speech. It is my insurance, why can't they tell me if I am covered and for how much? After more probing, I learned that they never received the request from my doctor's office. I called my doctor's office to get them to send the information again. Once again, I asked if they requested the dollar amount of the coverage. Last time, I was told that they did ask, but I learned that they are only expecting a Yes/No response.

I had to convince the billing person to ASK for the dollar amount of coverage. She just couldn't get it until I explained how my last test was "covered", but the charges were $1,200 over the acceptable charge. Hopefully, I will get this information soon.

My tooth implant surgery will be next week, so I will get that out of the way. Now, if I can just get my answers for the blood tests I can be on the road for my next cycle.

Getting Probbed

2007-07-12T17:30:00.000-06:00

Today, I had my uterus checked out. The last time I was in those same stirrups, I was looking at my 8.5 week old baby and listening to the heart beat. I was very emotional, and I surprised myself by crying. It was too much to be back in the stirrups and starting all over again. I am not supposed to be back. I was so happy last time with a baby to view.

The ultrasound looked good. I had 3 follicles on the left side and 5-6 on the right. I'm not doing anything with those follicles, but it is nice to know that I can still produce w/out stimulation.

The hysteroscopy wasn't very comfortable, but it was quick. The doctor came into the room and got down to business right away. I think he left the room 2 minutes later and $600 richer. The good news is that my uterus is fine and is ready for another cycle. The question is "Am I ready?"

The 2 Month Funk

2007-07-11T23:48:00.000-06:00

It has been just over 2 months and life still sucks. My ex-partner is causing me a lot of problems. I really don't enjoy having the crap scared out of me at 10:30 at night because she decides to come over (without letting me know). I guess it was my fault because I was in the shower with the radio on and didn't hear the knocks or phone calls.

She comes over when I'm not home and takes what she wants from the house. Not fun.

I'm trying to go on the road to another IVF. I feel strange since I am alone, but I don't have time to wait. Tomorrow, the RE will check out my uterus via an ultrasound followed by a hysteroscopy (pump carbon dioxide into my uterus and take a peek). I had a hysteroscopy once before - it was just starting to hurt when the procedure ended. Then, I had to deal with weird shoulder pain from the gas for the next couple of hours.

I ask myself:

What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Am I crazy?
What is my life?

I don't have answers and probably should not make any decisions at this point in my life. Unfortunately, the clock is ticking and I can't wait. The RE was very positive when I met with him a couple of weeks ago. Of course, I wonder about his motives: $$$$

Here are some comments from the RE (in reference to my last IVF cycle):

Couldn't ask for better {I want better - I don't want another miscarriage)
Unusual
Better than younger women
If I can support anyone at your age for doing this, I support you
Way above normal for age - Great responder
Great cycle

Well, it was so darn good then why is my uterus empty. I am still numb and wonder where my life is headed. I'm pissed at my ex (who I love very much) for dumping me and being so incredible cruel and mean. She is deranged and seems to have an alternate reality.

In her reality, I get advice from my sister's attorney and from a relative. I also seem to have unlimited funds which I am happy to spend on her (as I have for the past 11 years). The last 11 years part is true.

Next Steps:

Make appointment for implant surgery (not the boob type, but for a tooth)
See RE for uterus checkup
Wait for insurance company to give me an answer on the blood clotting test for $3,000
Hopefully, get the hyper-coag (blood clotting) and APA Panel (immune system) blood work.

2 Week Anniversary

2007-06-18T01:42:00.001-06:00

OK, this isn't the type of anniversary that I want to remember, but I can't help but count the weeks. Why do I have to count each Friday as my miscarriage anniversary. It seems like a sick thing to do. But hey, I don't feel too good (on the mental front) so I will do what ever the hell I feel like doing.

I mustered up strength to get the mail, and I had a little surprise. A letter from my former partner's attorney. It is still so difficult to think of her as an "ex" or "former" anything. It is still difficult to believe that I am no longer with child. It was a draft lawsuit against me for not paying her for the house and furnishings.

Did she ever ask me for an amount? The answer is "No".

The next day, she called to ask me if I got the letter. I was told that she retained the attorney to help her come up with a number because she didn't know how to calculate what was owed to her. blah, blah blah. Her lies poured out into my ears while I think "I'm not pregnant anymore"....

I did manage to ask her about the numbers. I mean, she retained the attorney to help come up with numbers, but she paid him to frighten me with a draft lawsuit that didn't have a dollar amount anywhere. What bullshit. It was like a merri-go-round because she restated her reason for hiring an attorney. I may be emotionally devastated, but I can easily see that she did still did not produce a number for me.

After everything that I have done for her, after the way I treated her, after everything, I get this fucking lawsuit. Nothing like getting stabbed in the back and having the knife twisted when I'm at the lowest point in my life. She often told me that she thought me life was easy and that I didn't have any hardships. She would be angry when she was telling me this (I should have picked up on the clue that she was jealous and not a supportive partner).

Well, ain't you happy now. Lookey here, I am miserable. I'm having a hardship. I am depressed and can't get out of it. I am a zombie. I am a shell of a person. Happy now?

Week 1: In hiding

2007-06-18T01:41:00.001-06:00

I lay in bed. I cry. I sob. I scream. I don't eat. I don't answer the phone because I don't have caller ID. I only answer my cell phone for calls from my family.

I am depressed - the most that I have ever been in my life.

I am alone. I am without my baby.

I spend hours researching miscarriages. I feel so guilty, since I think I did something to cause my miscarriage.

maybe it was the stress of her moving out
maybe it was my 2 week business trip
maybe it was the walks/hikes that I went on
maybe it was the lack of sleep
maybe it was my lack of demanding closer monitoring by my doctor
maybe it was the lack of hormonal monitoring by my doctor
maybe it was something that I did

Miscarriage boards are depressing, yet I devour them.

The Helpful Bitch

2007-06-18T01:18:00.000-06:00

I laid in bed screaming and crying. I never knew that I could scream and sob so loudly due to intense emotions. My body still thought I was pregnant, and I was an emotional mess. Since no friends knew that I was pregnant, I had no one to talk with. My best friend, my lover, my partner had abandoned me.

Then she showed up. Just waltzed into the house, expressed condolences, and started to clean. She needed to clean, because when she moved out she left the place filthy. I was very thankful for her to clean my sheets and mattress pad from the evidence of my miscarriage earlier that day. Despite her being helpful, she let me know that she wants payment for her part of the house and it was going to be much more than I thought. Nice. Really nice.

She also let me know in her venomous voice that she only took what was rightfully hers, or things that she thought she was entitled to have. Interesting that things we bought together (with my money!) were no longer in "our" home. It was no longer a home, but just a place to live. So, I lay there in bed wearing my adult diapers, having a deflated stomach, and hysterically crying over her hurtful attitude and words. I asked her how she could be that cruel to me when I just had a miscarriage a few hours prior. I never received an answer.

The next day was a repeat with her being even meaner to me. Apparently, I violated some unknown rule when I watched her mowing the lawn. I was once again reminded of things that I would owe her, and that I would have to pay her a substantial amount of money. She was telling me this as she unscrewed artwork from the wall. Crying, I asked her if she could possibly wait and just leave me alone since my miscarriage was they day before. Was I really in a relationship with this person for 11 years? I've never needed her more, but she wasn't there for me. It wasn't like I did something to her to make her leave me. How could she hate me this much? How could she just leave me crying and sobbing. Just 4 months prior, we were looking at purchasing a new home together. What the hell happened?

It was like a light switch had been switched off. She just ended our relationship without trying to save it.

Pregnant then Not Pregnant

2007-06-18T00:47:00.000-06:00

After nearly 1 year of trying, I achieved a pregnancy with IVF. Just before my procedure, my partner of 11 years announced her departure. She wanted independence (not very conducive to a relationship), she wanted to run her own life, she didn't want to be a mother, she wanted to get away from me.

Despite the considerable amount of stress that I was under, I managed to achieve a pregnancy at 42 yrs of age. Very soon after my good news, I hit 43. The fear of being a single mother at 43 was overwhelming. Still shocked at being dumped, I was even more shocked to have her move out while I was out of town. She decided what items were hers and made 100% of the decisions as to what she would take. Apparently, what was 'mine' was hers, what was 'ours' was hers, and what was 'hers' was hers. I came back from my trip to find 6 news papers in the driveway and 1/2 the household contents to be missing. I was upset to say the least. I was spotting which had me very worried. She called and hung up when I answered the phone (*69 is good for something).

The next morning, I had diarrhea and some cramps. I also had my appointment to see the specialist for my CVS test. I soon discovered that my diarrhea was not causing the cramps, but was a side effect from cramps. I was having a miscarriage, as was confirmed when I sat on the toilet and filled it with blood and large things that came out of me (due to all of the blood in the toilet, I couldn't see what I passed but they felt large). I screamed and cried while this was happening because I knew it was the end of my dream.

I called my OB, but had to wait for a call back since it was early in the morning. While I waited, I passed more blood and stuff. My doctor told me to come in to the office and someone else would see me. I packed myself up with 3 pads and a towel between my legs. More safety towels on my car seat completed my preparation. It worked, because I made it to the office and was taken immediately to the back. There was no question in my mind that I lost the baby - there was too much stuff coming out of me.

I knew things were bad when the ultrasound technician says "Oh my" and runs out of the room. You would think that she had never seen blood all over the examination table and dripping onto the floor. She bagged out of my exam and I had to lay there and wait for a physician to be called into the office. The grim faced doctor arrived and confirmed that she couldn't find the baby or heartbeat. I was 12 weeks and 6 days along.

Off to the hospital I went for an emergency D&C. My OB just happened to be there and she was waiting for me. They didn't want me to drive myself (something about passing out due to blood loss), so my sister came to get me. It was a surreal experience - laying there an knowing that I no longer carried a life within me and getting prepped for the surgery. I cried a lot, my sister was shoving her 15 month old into my face because she believed the baby's kisses would make me feel better. I still cringe at the recollection of the baby being shoved at me - it was one of those defining moments that I will always recall.

I cried while waiting for the surgery. It was horrible to know that they were going in to scrape my uterus - the home of my baby. I wondered if the baby was really dead. I was awake when I was wheeled in to the OR. I had to move myself onto the OR table and adjust myself so that my body was positioned just above the hole in the table - the hole where my blood and uterine tissue would drain out of me. I'm glad that I was not awake for getting strapped into the surgical stirrups.

When I awoke, I was crying - I was not pregnant anymore. The nurse was very compassionate to me, but I would have rathered her to be rude and for me to still be pregnant. My body still thought it was pregnant, but I wasn't. I bleed all over the floor when I changed into my street clothes. I wore two adult hospital diapers. My sister drove me home, and that was that. I was alone in my broken home. I wasn't pregnant. I was wearing pads and diapers. My partner was gone from my life, and I never needed her more. It was May 4, 2007