Am I Crazy?

I'm still wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life. I feel so misplaced, so disconnected. I have isolated myself and pulled into my shell. It makes me wonder how I will deal with being a mother if that should happen. Then, I think 'how ridiculous' to think that I would actually be a mother from this IVF cycle. Who do I think I am to expect a pregnancy that results in a healthy baby? The chances are practically nill.

The last time I had to go in for blood work at my RE's office, the 'good phlebotomist' asks me 'do they know why your embryos don't stick?'. Well, fuck me - because my god damn fucking eggs are rotted you bitch. Nothing like feeling like shit when going through this IVF hell. I can't wait for her to stick me again. And, the bitch gave me a black and blue.

I have enough doubt since my RE tells me that I have a 5% chance. How come I am in the 5% of people that have a failed tooth implant? Can I beat the percents? Whey do I think I can beat it? What would happen if I do? Just me and baby all alone, locked up in the house?

What the fuck am I doing? I'm on a quest, but I wonder if I have thought through everything.
Last year, I spent about $100,000 on extra expenses. This year, I am up to $100,000. I am being left in debt and without money. I'm worried that I may become pregnant and have a special needs baby.

On Tuesday, I go for my first follicle check since I started stims. What will it tell me? Of course, I am worried that I will hear 1 follicle on your left and none on your right. I'm really hopping that doing IM shots with Repronex will give me better stats than last time.