What the fuck do I do?

I just wish I can stop time so I can think.  I feel the clock ticking away, ticking away.  I don't have time.

If I do another cycle:

• I am a desperate woman
• I am an idiot
• My RE gave me a 15% chance of it working.
• I have old, rotted eggs
• Maybe it will work (very hopeful and optimistic)

Donor eggs are my best option for having a baby, but there will not be any genetic link.  Is that so bad?  Do I want to spend 30 grand on that?  Do I want to spend 20 grand on another IVF try with only 15% chance of it working.  Do I just close my eyes and jump?

Depression (continued)

I am spending my time researching depressions and crying and sobbing.  What is wrong with me?  Why all of this crying and profound sadness?  Is it because I will never be pregnant and never be a mother?  Or, because I am so alone and have lost my love?  It angers me to hear her words bouncing around in my head "You are better off without me. You don't care for me. You won't notice that I am gone."  How untrue, but then again she could never see the truth.

It was always as I had said - she was aloof and didn't love me too much.  I would point out the pictures that showed me touching her, but she is standing with her arms against her own body.  She would laugh and tell me it wasn't true.  But, look at me now.  I'm pretty sure she is not like me, not like me at all.  She probably has been with someone else by now.  She only sees me as a source of money to fund her miserable life.  She doesn't care for me.  How, how can she have dropped me from her life so quickly.  Especially, when I needed her so badly.  She fails to see how I supported her and was there for her.  When I need her, she dumps me forever.  Not only dumps me, but stabs me in the back and twists the knife around.

She wouldn't want to cuddle with me, she didn't want to touch me or hold my hand - always had an excuse but told me that I was crazy.  Now, I know it was true and I was right all of these years.  I hung on to someone that didn't love me, but hated me.  Only someone that hates me could do this.  How could someone love me for 11 yrs and leave so abruptly at the worst time in my life?  Answer - she didn't love me.  It is so painful to write.  I loved her. I needed her so badly. I am so alone.

I cry and cry.  Am I having hormonal issues?  I had ovulation pain that hurt more than any other ovulation pain.  I have had lots of pregnancy symptoms, so I realize that symptoms are a bunch of bullshit.  Why so sad.  Because I will never have a great love again?  I will never have someone to share my life with, to trust, to love.  How can I ever trust again?  I will never be pregnant, never know the joys of pregnancy, the joy of having a child.  It isn't for me. 

My shirt is covered in tears.  My arm is wet from falling tears.

Research is showing me that up to 50% of woman experience depression after a miscarriage. The rate of depression goes up for childless woman.  How about the rate going way up for those that were dumped after 11 yrs, or those that will never be a mother?  How much more does the rate of depression go up for someone with my circumstances?

The good news is that I don't think that I have major clinical depression (I shower each day). But, I feel that I am majorly depressed.  I have major problems.

Depressed

I am depressed.  There is an empty hole in my heart, a twisting feeling in my belly, and general sadness. 

• I have lost my lover of 11 yrs
• I was dumped
• I had a miscarriage at 3 months
• My ex-partner was very mean to me just hours after my miscarriage (and continued to be mean each time I saw or had corresponse with her)
• I am without a front tooth since July 19 (no tooth on the horizon for at least 2 months)
• I have hired an attorney (costing me a lot of money)
• My ex wants over 6 figures from me.  I will have to per her a significant amount of money
• My last IVF failed, and I am not pregnant
• I can't afford to keep trying
• I am too old to have a child and my eggs are rotted
• What would I do with a baby all by myself? What if I get depressed?
• After IVF, attorney, and paying off the ex, I will have no money in savings.
• My life is so different. I am sad and crying a lot.
• I have withdrawn from friends. I don't want to see or talk to anyone.
• How could I have a child and be so isolated?
• Why even worry about it, I don't have money to try again. I have old, rotted eggs.
• I don't have any more vials from my preferred sperm donor and he is retired.

Halle Berry

I have been in my expected, depressed state after hearing about my big fucking negative. I feel like I am in a deep fog and don't want to face life.  Fortunately, life is socking my in the gut because I had to deal with the bitch's attorney.  At least I am alive and feeling pain, sorrow, and sadness - how good it is to feel.

As I was getting the gray removed from my hair, I was reading the intellectual People magazine.  It seems that Halle Berry is 3 months pregnant.  I used to be 3 months pregnant.  It made me feel badly to read the story.  I'm 2 yrs old than she, will my rotted eggs ever produce a normal child?

My RE called me, yesterday.  My cycle looked excellent on paper.  Why, a 35 yrs old would have an 80% chance of achieving a pregnancy if she had 4 high quality embryos placed inside of her uterus.  Since I got a bfn, then I probably had rotted eggs that would have resulted in an abnormal baby - hence, the natural selection of not getting pregnant.  Well, my RE didn't quite put it in those words, but that is how I heard the news.  Dr. RE will support me trying again, but wants to talk to me about donor eggs.

I am old
I have rotted eggs
Why should I expect a 43 yr old to get pregnant.
Why would a single woman get pregnant.
Why should I want anything
Why was I dumped

Sad, Sad

So, my lazy ass embryos did not latch on and grow.  What kind of ungrateful embryo brats did I create?  I have not even shed a tear about the "negative test" until my group meeting on Monday night (that is 3 days after my beta).  Why didn't I cry?  Am I too devastated to cry?  I can't afford to keep doing this.  I would like to keep trying, but the money is overwhelming.

When do I stop?

Do I have an option, or will I be kicked out of the program? I have to face the reality that I will never be a mother.  That I will never be pregnant, again.  That I will never hold my new born infant in my arms.  That I have spent $70,000 for a lot of heart ache and grief.

Big Fucking Negative

"I'm sorry, hon, it is negative"

Those words are so devastating. There is nothing I can do, and no where I can turn.  Life sucks.

I really thought that I might have been pregnant.  That I beat the odds.  I should stop thinking so highly of myself.  I'm just an old, washed up, barren woman.  I knew it would be bad news when I didn't hear from the nurse.  The last time, when it was positive, I recevied the call by noon.  Both negative calls where received after 3 pm.  The nurses probably draw straws to see who makes the BFN calls.

The Morning of my BETA

Here goes the last set of "symptoms" prior to my blood test. I feel that I may be pregnant, but I realize that it could all be from the hormones that I have been taking. It makes me sad that I could be duped into thinking that I am pregnant. Then I think "Well, what do I expect? I am 43 and alone - I should be realistic."

• Boobs are not sore, but they seem fuller
• Peeing a lot (my best symptom)
• I weigh 140 (5 pounds more than when I started the IVF drugs)
• Yesterday, I felt that woozy 'out of body' feeling, but just a little bit. Not like when I was pregnant.
• I didn't pee much, yesterday so that has me worried.
• I'm not spotting any more. The "spotting" that I did have was very, very light and little. I could barely see it. Or, it was my imagination. Maybe all of my so-called symptoms are my imagination. Maybe, I am just fucking crazy.
• I feel minor cramping. Even after I relieve myself, so it isn't my bowels.
• I get very, very hungry and eat much more than I think I can eat.
• I've been wearing my blond grandmother's, fake aquamarine ring and a necklace from my mother that includes my great grandmother's wedding ring that my grandmother wore, a mazol that was given to my mother from her brother, a good luck horn that was my uncle's and a Jewish star (also my uncle's). My uncle and grandmothers have all passed away. So, I've been wearing the jewelry (non-stop, except for bathing) since the ET - very superstitious (and I'm not that way)
  

All of this could be AF knocking on the door. I will not POAS, and I am off to give my blood (after I eat breakfast, of course)

The Day Before Beta

Today, I am convinced that I'm not pregnant. Yet, in the back of mind, I really think that I am. How is that for crazy. I have also convinced myself that I was pregnant on Tuesday, but I'm not now (a chemical).

I realize that either I am pregnant, I'm not pregnant, or I'm a little pregnant (chemical). Either way, it is what it is. I'll just find out.

For the first cycle ever, I am not POAS. I always knew the results in the past, but this time it is cold turkey for me.

I won't be shocked if it is or isn't. However, I will be crushed and devastated.

Travel To San Diego - am I pregnant?

I am still stuck on symptoms. This morning, I really thought that I was pregnant, but not I don't think so.

More symptoms:

1. Very emotional [I keep crying while reading my book, listening to news, moment of silence of the 9/11 victims]
2. Felt a little woozy [maybe from 4 hrs of sleep]
3. Peed 4 times on a 2 hr 20 minute flight [maybe I shouldn't drink so much water]
4. Mild cramping [get real - AF is on her way, or I need to go to the bathroom]
   

Another day, another thought

Another day in the TWO WEEK WAIT HELL

My thoughts range from

• I'm pregnant
• I'm having twins
• Shit, how am I going to raise twins as a single mother
• I'm not pregnant
• How could I even hope that I would be pregnant and carry to term
• I'm a loser, because I tried so hard to have a baby but couldn't do it
• I am barren

I may not POAS this time around, because this TWW is so much harder. I'm going to be devastated if I get a BFN.

I have a work trip to keep my mind off of things. We'll see if I can stop myself from going to a drug store and buying a stick to pee on.

SYMPTOMS
I said I wouldn't do this, that I wouldn't pay any attention to "symptoms" because they don't mean anything. I'm trying, but that little voice keeps pointing them out to me. This is the same voice that tells me that I'm not pregnant. Here it is:

1. Boobs are sore [I'm taking estrogen and progesterone - of course they are sore]
2. I'm eating a lot [I'm a pig, and/or the hormones in item#1 are the reason]
3. I felt lower, abdomen twinges today [probably gas or normal, minimal pain events]
4. Headache [duh, don't I always have headaches?]
5. Peeing more than normal [see item#1]
6. Constipated [is this any different from not going for 6 days after implant surgery?]
   

TWW Hell

Half the time, I think that I may be pregnant. I am proud of myself for being so positive, and smug that I will beat the odds and be pregnant again.

Then, I realize I will get that terrible phone call on Sept 14 to let me know that the beta was negative. All my hopes and dreams, all of my money down the tube.

I wonder where my life is going. I feel so empty, so alone. I don't know what the heck is going on.

Symptoms of Craziness

1. Eating a lot
2. Peeing, but I am thirsty and drinking a lot
3. Sore bbs (not sure - probably due to progesterone)
4. I just have to be!
   

Eating like a Pig

I have started to eat a lot - is that a symptom?

I fell asleep at midnight and got up at 4 am to pee. If I pee every 2 hrs, then I will think I have HCG inside of my body (and a little bean growing).

This is my bruise from doing injections (I haven't done an injection in 10 days). The bruise is from 17 days ago (I think).

Will it work
Will it not
Hurry-up
My eggs are deforming around the clock

I Don't Feel Pregnant

No sore boobs.

No peeing every 5 minutes

No getting up 6x during the night to pee.

No symptoms, therefore, not pregnant.

Ok, it is only 4 days post egg transfer (ET), but I want to be pregnant. I have much more pressure this time around, because more people know. My mother flew out to help me with ER/ET for christ's sake.

I'm still wearing my mother's gold chain that is complete with my great-grandmother's wedding rings that my grandmother wore, gold items that my belonged to my deceased uncle, and gold objects that my uncle had given to my mother. I should be on a beach in Boca. I'm also wearing a ring from my grandmother that died 9 yrs ago.

Did I mention that my ET was on the 9 yr anniversary of my grandmother's death? Does that mean something?

ET - better than I thought

Here's my ET story: My mother gave me a necklace to wear that contained items from my uncle (he died a while ago), my great grandmother's wedding ring, and I wore a ring that was my grandmothers. Today was the day that my dear grandmother died 9 yrs ago. So many "death' reminders when I am trying to start a new life.

I didn't listen to the nurses and I peed when I got to the office, because I know my bladder fills quickly. When they checked my bladder, It was so full that they had me empty 1/2 cup. I felt more comfortable for this procedure because my bladder wasn't killing me. After the procedure, I had to hang around on my back for 40 minutes. I was trying not to use the bedpan, but couldn't make it - it is very messy, but at least the nurse left me alone for the deed.

I had a different RE do the procedure, but I liked her. The embryo news was pretty good:
8 cell 4
8 cell 4-
8 cell 4-
7 cell 3+

I was really afraid that I would only have 1 or 2 to implant. The doc reminded me that even though the embryos looks great, they could still have genetic problems. The embryologist told me that she was very happy with the embryo quality.

So, I am sitting and baking and hope that I can get 1 to implant and grow.

Fertilization Report

Here is the scoop from the embroyologist:

• 5 eggs retrieved (that I knew)
• 4 eggs were mature
• ICSI done on the 4 mature eggs
• 4 eggs fertilized

I am dissapointed that I had so few eggs. I said something to the embroyologist, and he pulled my stats to announce what I had at my LAST IVF:

15 eggs, 9 fertilized, 5 trasnferred - and I know that I got pregnant for 3 months.

If my egg quality is like the other times, I will lose 50% of the eggs by the time of the transfer. It scares me that I may only have 1 or 2 eggs to transfer. How could the RE think this cycle is just like the rest? Unless he knows something about the quality of this round. Maybe, maybe the quality is more? I never had all eggs fertilize, so maybe these are very high quality and I will end up with 8 cell, Grade A embryos for transfer.

Now, I wait for the ET on Monday. A nurse is supposed to call me with a time.

Egg Retrieval

Waking up at 4:30 am was not fun. I really don't like to wake up and drive in the darkness (it is supposed to be light in the morning). I got to the doc's office 10 minutes early, but had to stand in the hallway for 20 minutes (it was even too early for the nurses). I was told that there was a full day of ERs, so it might have been good that I was the first.

Since I drank tons of water before my cut-off point, I was well hydrated and the IV did not hurt at all. In addition, there was a problem with the compressor and the room was very comfortable (ususally, I am extremely chilled). I love being rolled into the hallway and then waking up from a very comfortable nap. I slept for over 1 hour in the recovery room.

I am a little upset that my regular RE did not perform the ER. I had the latest hire, and he only got 5 eggs out of me. How could there be less eggs than my u/s? In the past, I always had MORE eggs. I wonder if my RE would have had the same results.

I am sure that my 5 eggs are really high quality. Let's chant

Quality, not quantity

Repeat 5,000 times.

Disappointing Stats

I don't feel so great about my numbers.

Follicle Count
R1 23.7
R2 17.3
R3 22.1
R4 12.1

L1 23.0
L2 12.3

I think that it just sucks, but I can be hopeful that it will get me pregnant.  I keep repeating to myself "Quality not Quantity".

What is She Doing to ME

Why the heck did she leave me and why is she doing this to me. I am still in shock over being dumped, rejected, and vilified. It isn't like I cheated on her, or got into a big fight. I just don't understand. One day she tells me that she wants to be independent, and she leaves.

From the beginning, I was told (by her) that she is different. That she wouldn't never hurt me or do any unsavory financial things to me. She has been the worst to me. At least, I got all of my money that was owed to me by the one before. She told me that she wouldn't ask for 50%. She told me that she would never screw me. She is such a liar.

Not only am I alone and in dismay, but I lost my best friend. I don't have her to talk to anymore. She left me at the worst time of my life. She was mean to me during my miscarriage. Just hours after my hospitalization for my miscarriage, she yells at me that I will have to pay her for the house. The house where I paid 75% of all expenses.

Who is this person? Why is she doing this to me? I am so hurt that there just aren't words to describe what I am going through. The fucking bitch.

Sick to my Stomach

I woke up a few times during the night thinking about getting a BFN (big fat negative) for this cycle. It makes me sick to my stomach. I am so scared about not being pregnant, because this is probably my last, last attempt.

It kills me, because I know that I can become pregnant, but maybe it will take 3 more tries. I just can't afford it.

Check out my Gonal-F bruise (I nicked a vein)

My Body is Failing

Today's ultrasound did not pick up the slack. I only had one more follicle on the right side (R=4, L=1).  What is going on?  At my u/s check last month, I had 5-6 on the Right and 3 on the Left - that was UNMEDICATED. 

I talked to the nurse about cancelling this cycle.  My doc wasn't available for my file review, but a different doc told the nurse that he is not ready to throw in the towel.  He thinks that I may be off to a slow start, but my response seems to be the same as the other times.  Maybe, I will need to be on drugs a little longer.  So, I cook some more and get checked on Monday.

Sucky Ultrasound

It wasn't what I wanted to hear at my first ultrasound for this stimulation cycle. Actually, it sucks. I have 5 less follicles than last time.

Right Follicles
1 0.92 cm
2 0.94 cm
3 0.58 cm

Left Follicles
1 1.04 cm

The last cycle (when I got pregnant), I had 7 on the left on 2 on the right. What has happened to me?

The Last Solace

Tonight was the last meeting for the Solace Group. Even though we had homework that I didn't like (this group was much more work than the general counselling group at my RE's office), I still benefited and hope to meet up with some of the crowd again.

I was asked about my future pregnancy. The leader wanted to know how I would feel when I passed the 12 week mark - would I feel relieved? My answer is "no" - I was naive about miscarriages before. There are so many late term miscarriages; the woman sitting next to me had one at 28 weeks. I will definitely be going to a support group when I am pregnant again.

Lupron - I didn' t have any reaction this morning or last night, so that is good. I wonder why I had a reaction for a couple of days.

I'm excited to see my u/s at tomorrow's appointment. I hope that I have an amazing number of follicles and that it leads to another BFP. I hope that I didn't use up my luck with my last pregnancy.

The C Word

CANCEL

I can't believe that I heard the "C" word - Cancel your Cycle. WTF? It isn't a done deal, but I called to complain about a localized reaction that I am getting with the Lupron shots. It is itchy, but it is gone within 2 hrs. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Last night it was worse that today, so I hope it won't get worse.

MTHFR C677T gene polymorphism

The expensive blood work came back with a positive for Methylene-Tetra-Hydro-Folate-Reductase (MTHFR) with 2 abnormal genes (homozygous C677T). About 10% of the population are homozygous (thermolabile MTHFR) which could mean elevated homocysteine levels. Thankfully, my homocysteine levels were normal (5.1 micromol/L) so I'm not at risk for a clotting disorder. MTHFR could mean impaired folate metabolism.

Homocysteine is a chemical in the blood that is produced when an amino acid (a building block of protein) called methionine is broken down in the body. We all have some homocysteine in our blood. Elevated homocysteine levels (also called hyperhomocysteinemia) may cause irritation of the blood vessels. Elevated levels of homocysteine show an increased risk for (1) hardening of the arteries (atherosclerosis), which could eventually result in a heart attack and/or stroke, and (2) blood clots in the veins, referred to as venous thrombosis. [Varga E, Sturm A, Misita C, Moll S. Homocysteine and MTHFR Mutations Relation to Thrombosis and Coronary Artery Disease. Circulation. 2005;111:e289-e293]

Now, I get confused because there seems to be differences of opinion. However, I am happy with my doctor's recommendation to supplement with a combination pill (FABB tab) that contains 2.5 mg of Folic Acid, B6, and B12. I feel like I should do something because maybe my miscarriage was due to a folic acid deficiency? There are doctors who prescribe nothing, some that prescribe much more Folic Acid then I am getting, and some that also prescribe blood thinner injections.

Slacker on All Accounts

It doesn't seem like I am much of a blogger. It has been a long time and lots of stuff has happened.

Tooth - First of all, I am much better (if you care). It is only a month later and I am no longer miserable. I look like I live in hills of Kentucky because my top, front tooth is missing but I am happy to not be in pain. I have a $300 retainer that I am not wearing. I carry it around where ever I go so that I know I can "put-in" my tooth if needed. After 1 month, I have worn my retainer for 40 minutes ($7.40/min) - I could wear it more to justify the expense, but it isn't the most comfortable thing. Also, my gums need air to heal - right?



My endodontist tells me that things look really good. He must mean my gums because he took no x-rays. If things continue to look "good", I will get an x-ray that will, hopefully, lead to a temporary crown. This temp will be screwed to the screw in my jaw bone that pokes out through my gum. Problem - I can't have an x-ray at his convenience since I have stuff going on.





Pokey Stuff - I have made the IVF cycle official by stabbing myself with needles. Let me back up to give a summary

1. I stopped BCP (birth control pills don't you know) on 8/14
2. My u/s showed no cysts. This is good. I didn't cry. I guess that is good.
3. I had to give blood, but didn't know that I would be visiting the blood draw room. My favorite tech was there and asked how I was. I responded with "Well, I'm back" and a not too happy look on my face. I know that she was dying to know what happened. I told her about MTHFR (hmm, I haven't posted on that yet, but I will save that for another post), and the usual "I don't know". It was sad to be back there.
4. I told the tech that I didn't know I was going to give blood, so I didn't drink enough water. I was chided for not drinking water all of the time. It seems that I should always drink the clear elixir - imagine that.
   
5. I meet with the billing department. Over $7,000 then another over $7,000 then something about $430. Oh, let's not forget the $750 that I just paid for another round of STD tests. It seems that my last tests that were 6 months ago had expired. During the 6 months, I was going through IVF cycles and whoring around town, was pregnant for 3 months, got unpregnant, got depressed and whored around, and got dumped, so I am a live alone whore. I guess it was the whore part that made me a high risk so I had to go through another round of tests.
6. Got a call from the credit card company to check on these outrageous charges. I was also queried on a 41 cents charge at Walmart. Yes, I had 2 photos (1 hr pickup) made for my miscarriage support group - I had to bring something to remembrance night. There's my belly at 12 weeks, there's my big belly at the water fall - there's a smile on my face (what is that?).
7. I am positive (not for STDs). Lets get on with making a baby, not about losing a baby.
8. I started my Lupron shots on 4/17. I started to forget what I needed to do so I had to review. My first 3 shots were great - I felt nothing. My 4th shot caused some pain. This morning's shot wasn't that great either. What happened?
9. I screwed up my Menopur shot this morning. I haven't done Menopur since November 2006. Back when I had a honey and hope and being naive. I put the entire 2 cc sterile water in the syringe and shot the whole thing into my belly. I realize that it was supposed to be 1 cc. I'm not too worried because I think that the only affect will be bruising.
10. I'm not getting enough sleep

I started to eat like a pig, yesterday. I was down to 135 pounds (lower than my pre-IVF weight). I think the food thing had to do with my period (which also started, yesterday). Or, maybe it is the injections, or maybe the steroids wanting to turn me into a large, burly woman.

Back to the x-ray. I can only have an x-ray after the ER but before the ET. There.

A Most Unpleasant Day - Tooth Implant Surgery

The day started out pleasant enough, because I went for a mountain bike ride up South Table Mountain. The day was humid which resulted in me having more asthma issues than usual (I did not use my inhaler)

Fast forward to sitting in the dentist chair at 1 pm. I get a Q-tip that has a cherry flavored numbing agent that makes my mouth salivate. After a few minutes the endodontist (I'll just call him endo) came in and started to give me shots in my gums. It hurts when the numbing agent is spreading into my body. I get a whole bunch of shots near the #9 tooth (left front incisor) and a bunch near my top, left rear molars. As I squeeze my hands together, I wonder when I will stop feeling the pain from the injections. My body is so stiff, that my arm starts to shake. I concentrate on relaxing my muscles and trying not to arch my back. My lips feel huge and my left eye-lid feels funny. The endo tells me it is just my muscles relaxing. My nose is stuffy (actually, just my left nostril) and the tip is numb. I wish the rest of my muscles would relax like my face.

After I sit and "cook" for a while, and go through another round of shots (I still feel them). The endo and 2 assistants come in dressed for surgery. There is a lot of suction going on and commands "top", "bottom", "in", "out", and commands for me - "left", "right", "tilt back", "don't move". Sometimes I get tapped on the face when I don't respond. I squeeze my hands or the arm rests tightly. I still try to calm myself and tell myself that I don't feel the pain. However, I feel all of the pressure and vibrations. I feel and hear the scraping of my bone. I feel and hear the drill going into my bone (and the counter sink drill which gets used a lot).

When the endo mutters non-encouraging words and sighs loudly, I open my eyes. All work has stopped and everyone is just looking at me. The endo likes to talk to himself, so I get continually updates when things aren't going well. When I hear "what do I do?" and "why did they do that", I realize that things are not going to be easy. The prosthodontist (crown guy) works in the same office and comes in 5 times for consultations since my implant is proving difficult. There is a lot of "lingual" and "distal" talk in addition to the discussions of the angle and ridges.

I notice that the endo's right hand is shaking. At one point, he gets up and says "hand". I'm starting to open my eyes a lot and notice that shaking hand that is covered in my blood. I think that I should be part of an implant documentary with my view being the view of the camera. I get a good look at the hair that creeps up the neck of the endo.

There is a lot of discussion (mostly the endo talking to himself) over what type of graft material to use. He speaks in code to his assistants, so I'm not always sure what is going on. Later, I find out that I had a large hole and needed an extensive bone graft. The entire front of the implant is a graft, and the surrounding bone is soft. In short, my implant is precarious. The endo compared it to a compound leg fracture that is only supported by an Ace bandage.

I'm being worked on for over nearly 4 hours. The top of my head keeps going numb. Each chance I get to "relax", I lift my head and stretch my legs. I start to feel the drill in my bone a bit too much. I have to wait for him to finish drilling, since I don't want to move and hit his hand. I indicate to the technician that I am starting to feel things. The endo tells me he is in the middle of something and doesn't want to impeded my blood flow. So, I continue to feel but the pain isn't too bad. Eventually, I get more shots.

While I was being stitched up, I can feel the needles. Once again, I am told that he didn't want my blood flow impeded. The pain wasn't too bad, so I just felt the needles going in and out.

Finally, it was done but I had to fit for the retainer. By this point, the pain is starting but I still haven't picked up my pain pills. I am told to be really careful and keep my blood pressure down. This means no walking. I have to be a couch potato for at least a week. I was given the clear retainer that contains the fake tooth, but told to wear it as little as possible. So, I will not wear it at all until it is "safe". At this point, I don't care if I go around with a missing tooth. I paid $3,200 and was sent out of the office.

I went directly to the pharmacy in the building and filled my prescriptions. It seemed like a long wait. As soon as I got to my car, I popped a pain pill and drove straight home. Once home, I took another pain pill. It was a very long hour while I waiting for the pills to kick in.

Bike Ride Bad Feeling

I'm having a thing against using an asthma inhaler. I'm trying to keep my body drug free in anticipation of TTC, but I end up being oxygen deprived. I attempted to ride my mountain bike up Green Mountain for exercise. I was having a difficult time and had to stop a lot to rest and hand my head (to avoid fainting). After a while, I realized that I was stopping more and more frequently and felt pretty bad.

The lack of oxygen was getting to me and I was over 3/4 of the way to the top. I finally decided that I didn't need to do myself in, so I turned about and rode down the hill. I have turned into a wimp and am afraid to go fast because I might fall on the gravel. I have had experience from this, so I turned into a granny.

Confusion

I am continually torn over TTC or not. I know that a baby is a life changing event, and life as I know it will cease. When I was TTC and had a partner, I had some comfort in being with someone. Now, that I am alone, I question the sanity of having a baby.

What if the baby has mental or physical handicaps? I can't imagine caring for a healthy baby, let alone a special needs baby/child. How will I be able to handle having a baby and being alone? Will I be overwhelmed and be depressed and alone with a baby? Is it the right decision? Am I being selfish and stupid?

I am still in much pain over being dumped. Using my brain, it would be best to wait for a while until TTC. However, time is something that I don't have. I feel my fertility and egg quality slipping away as each second passes.

I am not recovered from my relationship and my miscarriage. I was looking forward to miscarriage counseling this week (better late than never), but it is the same day as my oral surgery so I doubt I will be attending. Now, I'm thinking about going to the surgery myself and being home by myself afterward. No one to care for me. No one to comfort me while I am in pain. I keep waiting for her to come home, but that will never happen (and it makes me so sad).

Insurance Woes

I'm sick of waiting to hear about my coverage for a couple of blood tests. I would just go ahead and pay for them, except that the blood clotting test costs $3,000. The APA Panel (for immune disease) only cost a mere $180. My doctor's office put in the request to my insurance company, so I am in a wait mode.

Being bored with the wait, I called my insurance company to seek if I could gleam any information about coverage. I got the usual - we can't tell you anything speech. It is my insurance, why can't they tell me if I am covered and for how much? After more probing, I learned that they never received the request from my doctor's office. I called my doctor's office to get them to send the information again. Once again, I asked if they requested the dollar amount of the coverage. Last time, I was told that they did ask, but I learned that they are only expecting a Yes/No response.

I had to convince the billing person to ASK for the dollar amount of coverage. She just couldn't get it until I explained how my last test was "covered", but the charges were $1,200 over the acceptable charge. Hopefully, I will get this information soon.

My tooth implant surgery will be next week, so I will get that out of the way. Now, if I can just get my answers for the blood tests I can be on the road for my next cycle.

Getting Probbed

Today, I had my uterus checked out. The last time I was in those same stirrups, I was looking at my 8.5 week old baby and listening to the heart beat. I was very emotional, and I surprised myself by crying. It was too much to be back in the stirrups and starting all over again. I am not supposed to be back. I was so happy last time with a baby to view.

The ultrasound looked good. I had 3 follicles on the left side and 5-6 on the right. I'm not doing anything with those follicles, but it is nice to know that I can still produce w/out stimulation.

The hysteroscopy wasn't very comfortable, but it was quick. The doctor came into the room and got down to business right away. I think he left the room 2 minutes later and $600 richer. The good news is that my uterus is fine and is ready for another cycle. The question is "Am I ready?"

The 2 Month Funk

It has been just over 2 months and life still sucks. My ex-partner is causing me a lot of problems. I really don't enjoy having the crap scared out of me at 10:30 at night because she decides to come over (without letting me know). I guess it was my fault because I was in the shower with the radio on and didn't hear the knocks or phone calls.

She comes over when I'm not home and takes what she wants from the house. Not fun.

I'm trying to go on the road to another IVF. I feel strange since I am alone, but I don't have time to wait. Tomorrow, the RE will check out my uterus via an ultrasound followed by a hysteroscopy (pump carbon dioxide into my uterus and take a peek). I had a hysteroscopy once before - it was just starting to hurt when the procedure ended. Then, I had to deal with weird shoulder pain from the gas for the next couple of hours.

I ask myself:

• What am I doing?
• Where am I going?
• Am I crazy?
• What is my life?

I don't have answers and probably should not make any decisions at this point in my life. Unfortunately, the clock is ticking and I can't wait. The RE was very positive when I met with him a couple of weeks ago. Of course, I wonder about his motives: $$$$

Here are some comments from the RE (in reference to my last IVF cycle):

• Couldn't ask for better {I want better - I don't want another miscarriage)
• Unusual
• Better than younger women
• If I can support anyone at your age for doing this, I support you
• Way above normal for age - Great responder
• Great cycle

Well, it was so darn good then why is my uterus empty. I am still numb and wonder where my life is headed. I'm pissed at my ex (who I love very much) for dumping me and being so incredible cruel and mean. She is deranged and seems to have an alternate reality.

In her reality, I get advice from my sister's attorney and from a relative. I also seem to have unlimited funds which I am happy to spend on her (as I have for the past 11 years). The last 11 years part is true.

Next Steps:

1. Make appointment for implant surgery (not the boob type, but for a tooth)
2. See RE for uterus checkup
3. Wait for insurance company to give me an answer on the blood clotting test for $3,000
4. Hopefully, get the hyper-coag (blood clotting) and APA Panel (immune system) blood work.
   

2 Week Anniversary

OK, this isn't the type of anniversary that I want to remember, but I can't help but count the weeks. Why do I have to count each Friday as my miscarriage anniversary. It seems like a sick thing to do. But hey, I don't feel too good (on the mental front) so I will do what ever the hell I feel like doing.

I mustered up strength to get the mail, and I had a little surprise. A letter from my former partner's attorney. It is still so difficult to think of her as an "ex" or "former" anything. It is still difficult to believe that I am no longer with child. It was a draft lawsuit against me for not paying her for the house and furnishings.

Did she ever ask me for an amount? The answer is "No".

The next day, she called to ask me if I got the letter. I was told that she retained the attorney to help her come up with a number because she didn't know how to calculate what was owed to her. blah, blah blah. Her lies poured out into my ears while I think "I'm not pregnant anymore"....

I did manage to ask her about the numbers. I mean, she retained the attorney to help come up with numbers, but she paid him to frighten me with a draft lawsuit that didn't have a dollar amount anywhere. What bullshit. It was like a merri-go-round because she restated her reason for hiring an attorney. I may be emotionally devastated, but I can easily see that she did still did not produce a number for me.

After everything that I have done for her, after the way I treated her, after everything, I get this fucking lawsuit. Nothing like getting stabbed in the back and having the knife twisted when I'm at the lowest point in my life. She often told me that she thought me life was easy and that I didn't have any hardships. She would be angry when she was telling me this (I should have picked up on the clue that she was jealous and not a supportive partner).

Well, ain't you happy now. Lookey here, I am miserable. I'm having a hardship. I am depressed and can't get out of it. I am a zombie. I am a shell of a person. Happy now?

Week 1: In hiding

I lay in bed. I cry. I sob. I scream. I don't eat. I don't answer the phone because I don't have caller ID. I only answer my cell phone for calls from my family.

I am depressed - the most that I have ever been in my life.

I am alone. I am without my baby.

I spend hours researching miscarriages. I feel so guilty, since I think I did something to cause my miscarriage.

• maybe it was the stress of her moving out
• maybe it was my 2 week business trip
• maybe it was the walks/hikes that I went on
• maybe it was the lack of sleep
• maybe it was my lack of demanding closer monitoring by my doctor
• maybe it was the lack of hormonal monitoring by my doctor
  
• maybe it was something that I did

Miscarriage boards are depressing, yet I devour them.

The Helpful Bitch

I laid in bed screaming and crying. I never knew that I could scream and sob so loudly due to intense emotions. My body still thought I was pregnant, and I was an emotional mess. Since no friends knew that I was pregnant, I had no one to talk with. My best friend, my lover, my partner had abandoned me.

Then she showed up. Just waltzed into the house, expressed condolences, and started to clean. She needed to clean, because when she moved out she left the place filthy. I was very thankful for her to clean my sheets and mattress pad from the evidence of my miscarriage earlier that day. Despite her being helpful, she let me know that she wants payment for her part of the house and it was going to be much more than I thought. Nice. Really nice.

She also let me know in her venomous voice that she only took what was rightfully hers, or things that she thought she was entitled to have. Interesting that things we bought together (with my money!) were no longer in "our" home. It was no longer a home, but just a place to live. So, I lay there in bed wearing my adult diapers, having a deflated stomach, and hysterically crying over her hurtful attitude and words. I asked her how she could be that cruel to me when I just had a miscarriage a few hours prior. I never received an answer.

The next day was a repeat with her being even meaner to me. Apparently, I violated some unknown rule when I watched her mowing the lawn. I was once again reminded of things that I would owe her, and that I would have to pay her a substantial amount of money. She was telling me this as she unscrewed artwork from the wall. Crying, I asked her if she could possibly wait and just leave me alone since my miscarriage was they day before. Was I really in a relationship with this person for 11 years? I've never needed her more, but she wasn't there for me. It wasn't like I did something to her to make her leave me. How could she hate me this much? How could she just leave me crying and sobbing. Just 4 months prior, we were looking at purchasing a new home together. What the hell happened?

It was like a light switch had been switched off. She just ended our relationship without trying to save it.

Pregnant then Not Pregnant

After nearly 1 year of trying, I achieved a pregnancy with IVF. Just before my procedure, my partner of 11 years announced her departure. She wanted independence (not very conducive to a relationship), she wanted to run her own life, she didn't want to be a mother, she wanted to get away from me.

Despite the considerable amount of stress that I was under, I managed to achieve a pregnancy at 42 yrs of age. Very soon after my good news, I hit 43. The fear of being a single mother at 43 was overwhelming. Still shocked at being dumped, I was even more shocked to have her move out while I was out of town. She decided what items were hers and made 100% of the decisions as to what she would take. Apparently, what was 'mine' was hers, what was 'ours' was hers, and what was 'hers' was hers. I came back from my trip to find 6 news papers in the driveway and 1/2 the household contents to be missing. I was upset to say the least. I was spotting which had me very worried. She called and hung up when I answered the phone (*69 is good for something).

The next morning, I had diarrhea and some cramps. I also had my appointment to see the specialist for my CVS test. I soon discovered that my diarrhea was not causing the cramps, but was a side effect from cramps. I was having a miscarriage, as was confirmed when I sat on the toilet and filled it with blood and large things that came out of me (due to all of the blood in the toilet, I couldn't see what I passed but they felt large). I screamed and cried while this was happening because I knew it was the end of my dream.

I called my OB, but had to wait for a call back since it was early in the morning. While I waited, I passed more blood and stuff. My doctor told me to come in to the office and someone else would see me. I packed myself up with 3 pads and a towel between my legs. More safety towels on my car seat completed my preparation. It worked, because I made it to the office and was taken immediately to the back. There was no question in my mind that I lost the baby - there was too much stuff coming out of me.

I knew things were bad when the ultrasound technician says "Oh my" and runs out of the room. You would think that she had never seen blood all over the examination table and dripping onto the floor. She bagged out of my exam and I had to lay there and wait for a physician to be called into the office. The grim faced doctor arrived and confirmed that she couldn't find the baby or heartbeat. I was 12 weeks and 6 days along.

Off to the hospital I went for an emergency D&C. My OB just happened to be there and she was waiting for me. They didn't want me to drive myself (something about passing out due to blood loss), so my sister came to get me. It was a surreal experience - laying there an knowing that I no longer carried a life within me and getting prepped for the surgery. I cried a lot, my sister was shoving her 15 month old into my face because she believed the baby's kisses would make me feel better. I still cringe at the recollection of the baby being shoved at me - it was one of those defining moments that I will always recall.

I cried while waiting for the surgery. It was horrible to know that they were going in to scrape my uterus - the home of my baby. I wondered if the baby was really dead. I was awake when I was wheeled in to the OR. I had to move myself onto the OR table and adjust myself so that my body was positioned just above the hole in the table - the hole where my blood and uterine tissue would drain out of me. I'm glad that I was not awake for getting strapped into the surgical stirrups.

When I awoke, I was crying - I was not pregnant anymore. The nurse was very compassionate to me, but I would have rathered her to be rude and for me to still be pregnant. My body still thought it was pregnant, but I wasn't. I bleed all over the floor when I changed into my street clothes. I wore two adult hospital diapers. My sister drove me home, and that was that. I was alone in my broken home. I wasn't pregnant. I was wearing pads and diapers. My partner was gone from my life, and I never needed her more. It was May 4, 2007