Pregnant then Not Pregnant

After nearly 1 year of trying, I achieved a pregnancy with IVF. Just before my procedure, my partner of 11 years announced her departure. She wanted independence (not very conducive to a relationship), she wanted to run her own life, she didn't want to be a mother, she wanted to get away from me.

Despite the considerable amount of stress that I was under, I managed to achieve a pregnancy at 42 yrs of age. Very soon after my good news, I hit 43. The fear of being a single mother at 43 was overwhelming. Still shocked at being dumped, I was even more shocked to have her move out while I was out of town. She decided what items were hers and made 100% of the decisions as to what she would take. Apparently, what was 'mine' was hers, what was 'ours' was hers, and what was 'hers' was hers. I came back from my trip to find 6 news papers in the driveway and 1/2 the household contents to be missing. I was upset to say the least. I was spotting which had me very worried. She called and hung up when I answered the phone (*69 is good for something).

The next morning, I had diarrhea and some cramps. I also had my appointment to see the specialist for my CVS test. I soon discovered that my diarrhea was not causing the cramps, but was a side effect from cramps. I was having a miscarriage, as was confirmed when I sat on the toilet and filled it with blood and large things that came out of me (due to all of the blood in the toilet, I couldn't see what I passed but they felt large). I screamed and cried while this was happening because I knew it was the end of my dream.

I called my OB, but had to wait for a call back since it was early in the morning. While I waited, I passed more blood and stuff. My doctor told me to come in to the office and someone else would see me. I packed myself up with 3 pads and a towel between my legs. More safety towels on my car seat completed my preparation. It worked, because I made it to the office and was taken immediately to the back. There was no question in my mind that I lost the baby - there was too much stuff coming out of me.

I knew things were bad when the ultrasound technician says "Oh my" and runs out of the room. You would think that she had never seen blood all over the examination table and dripping onto the floor. She bagged out of my exam and I had to lay there and wait for a physician to be called into the office. The grim faced doctor arrived and confirmed that she couldn't find the baby or heartbeat. I was 12 weeks and 6 days along.

Off to the hospital I went for an emergency D&C. My OB just happened to be there and she was waiting for me. They didn't want me to drive myself (something about passing out due to blood loss), so my sister came to get me. It was a surreal experience - laying there an knowing that I no longer carried a life within me and getting prepped for the surgery. I cried a lot, my sister was shoving her 15 month old into my face because she believed the baby's kisses would make me feel better. I still cringe at the recollection of the baby being shoved at me - it was one of those defining moments that I will always recall.

I cried while waiting for the surgery. It was horrible to know that they were going in to scrape my uterus - the home of my baby. I wondered if the baby was really dead. I was awake when I was wheeled in to the OR. I had to move myself onto the OR table and adjust myself so that my body was positioned just above the hole in the table - the hole where my blood and uterine tissue would drain out of me. I'm glad that I was not awake for getting strapped into the surgical stirrups.

When I awoke, I was crying - I was not pregnant anymore. The nurse was very compassionate to me, but I would have rathered her to be rude and for me to still be pregnant. My body still thought it was pregnant, but I wasn't. I bleed all over the floor when I changed into my street clothes. I wore two adult hospital diapers. My sister drove me home, and that was that. I was alone in my broken home. I wasn't pregnant. I was wearing pads and diapers. My partner was gone from my life, and I never needed her more. It was May 4, 2007