The 2 Month Funk

It has been just over 2 months and life still sucks. My ex-partner is causing me a lot of problems. I really don't enjoy having the crap scared out of me at 10:30 at night because she decides to come over (without letting me know). I guess it was my fault because I was in the shower with the radio on and didn't hear the knocks or phone calls.

She comes over when I'm not home and takes what she wants from the house. Not fun.

I'm trying to go on the road to another IVF. I feel strange since I am alone, but I don't have time to wait. Tomorrow, the RE will check out my uterus via an ultrasound followed by a hysteroscopy (pump carbon dioxide into my uterus and take a peek). I had a hysteroscopy once before - it was just starting to hurt when the procedure ended. Then, I had to deal with weird shoulder pain from the gas for the next couple of hours.

I ask myself:

• What am I doing?
• Where am I going?
• Am I crazy?
• What is my life?

I don't have answers and probably should not make any decisions at this point in my life. Unfortunately, the clock is ticking and I can't wait. The RE was very positive when I met with him a couple of weeks ago. Of course, I wonder about his motives: $$$$

Here are some comments from the RE (in reference to my last IVF cycle):

• Couldn't ask for better {I want better - I don't want another miscarriage)
• Unusual
• Better than younger women
• If I can support anyone at your age for doing this, I support you
• Way above normal for age - Great responder
• Great cycle

Well, it was so darn good then why is my uterus empty. I am still numb and wonder where my life is headed. I'm pissed at my ex (who I love very much) for dumping me and being so incredible cruel and mean. She is deranged and seems to have an alternate reality.

In her reality, I get advice from my sister's attorney and from a relative. I also seem to have unlimited funds which I am happy to spend on her (as I have for the past 11 years). The last 11 years part is true.

Next Steps:

1. Make appointment for implant surgery (not the boob type, but for a tooth)
2. See RE for uterus checkup
3. Wait for insurance company to give me an answer on the blood clotting test for $3,000
4. Hopefully, get the hyper-coag (blood clotting) and APA Panel (immune system) blood work.