Confusion

I am continually torn over TTC or not. I know that a baby is a life changing event, and life as I know it will cease. When I was TTC and had a partner, I had some comfort in being with someone. Now, that I am alone, I question the sanity of having a baby.

What if the baby has mental or physical handicaps? I can't imagine caring for a healthy baby, let alone a special needs baby/child. How will I be able to handle having a baby and being alone? Will I be overwhelmed and be depressed and alone with a baby? Is it the right decision? Am I being selfish and stupid?

I am still in much pain over being dumped. Using my brain, it would be best to wait for a while until TTC. However, time is something that I don't have. I feel my fertility and egg quality slipping away as each second passes.

I am not recovered from my relationship and my miscarriage. I was looking forward to miscarriage counseling this week (better late than never), but it is the same day as my oral surgery so I doubt I will be attending. Now, I'm thinking about going to the surgery myself and being home by myself afterward. No one to care for me. No one to comfort me while I am in pain. I keep waiting for her to come home, but that will never happen (and it makes me so sad).