I am spending my time researching depressions and crying and sobbing. What is wrong with me? Why all of this crying and profound sadness? Is it because I will never be pregnant and never be a mother? Or, because I am so alone and have lost my love? It angers me to hear her words bouncing around in my head "You are better off without me. You don't care for me. You won't notice that I am gone." How untrue, but then again she could never see the truth.
It was always as I had said - she was aloof and didn't love me too much. I would point out the pictures that showed me touching her, but she is standing with her arms against her own body. She would laugh and tell me it wasn't true. But, look at me now. I'm pretty sure she is not like me, not like me at all. She probably has been with someone else by now. She only sees me as a source of money to fund her miserable life. She doesn't care for me. How, how can she have dropped me from her life so quickly. Especially, when I needed her so badly. She fails to see how I supported her and was there for her. When I need her, she dumps me forever. Not only dumps me, but stabs me in the back and twists the knife around.
She wouldn't want to cuddle with me, she didn't want to touch me or hold my hand - always had an excuse but told me that I was crazy. Now, I know it was true and I was right all of these years. I hung on to someone that didn't love me, but hated me. Only someone that hates me could do this. How could someone love me for 11 yrs and leave so abruptly at the worst time in my life? Answer - she didn't love me. It is so painful to write. I loved her. I needed her so badly. I am so alone.
I cry and cry. Am I having hormonal issues? I had ovulation pain that hurt more than any other ovulation pain. I have had lots of pregnancy symptoms, so I realize that symptoms are a bunch of bullshit. Why so sad. Because I will never have a great love again? I will never have someone to share my life with, to trust, to love. How can I ever trust again? I will never be pregnant, never know the joys of pregnancy, the joy of having a child. It isn't for me.
My shirt is covered in tears. My arm is wet from falling tears.
Research is showing me that up to 50% of woman experience depression after a miscarriage. The rate of depression goes up for childless woman. How about the rate going way up for those that were dumped after 11 yrs, or those that will never be a mother? How much more does the rate of depression go up for someone with my circumstances?
The good news is that I don't think that I have major clinical depression (I shower each day). But, I feel that I am majorly depressed. I have major problems.
