Lost in Library

I went to the local library to search for a book to read. It has been a very long time since I wandered the stacks. I was pregnant the last time I looked for a book. The emotions flooded into me and I contemplated laying down on the floor and shutting the world out. I wonder how I can go on with every day life when I feel such emptiness and pain. I don't know what I am doing.

I think I just try to ignore all of my feelings (most of the time). But, there I was in the library feeling so, so empty. One year ago, I was pregnant. I am starting to get very bitter about losing my baby. The pain is so great. I still wonder if I didn't do everything that I could have done. Maybe that damn hike did me in. Maybe, I was an idiot for thinking I felt good and should go for a long walk. I killed my baby. I should have been at home, laying in bed. I read about a woman who was bleeding at 12 weeks and went on bed rest for over 1 month - she had a healthy baby. Why did the u/s tech. not worry about the bleeding. Why did my OB say "let's hope for the best" and let me alone until I had my m/c. Maybe, if I had a different doctor, I would be caring for a baby right now.

I was only knowingly pregnant for 2 months (8 weeks), yet I am still devastated by my loss. All of my losses (relationship, failed cycles, m/c, best friend, ....). I am a walking zombie. Sometimes, I pretend to friends and co-workers that I am happy. I can not share how sad and miserable I truly feel.

The pregnant woman at work doesn't help. She probably got pregnant as soon as she decided to become a mother. I don't know. I keep away from her and don't talk to her. Except for today, when she cornered me in an office. I offered her some chocolate that I was giving away and ran out of the room.

No comments: