Lack of Sleep

I didn't function too well today, because I stayed up until 3 am researching overseas clinics, donor eggs, and wondering about my own eggs (are they too old, too hard, too defective, ...).

I decided to drag my ass out of the house and go snowboarding for a few hours. Due to traffic and leaving the house very late, I arrived at the ski area's parking lot (great spot right in front) before 1 pm. I figured that I would be on the lift by 1, and proceeding through the ritual of putting on my boots and lacing up tight. After the boots (which is a little difficult in the car, but I don't like to open the door and get cold), I put on my coat, placed important things in my pocket and was about to exit the car when I realized that I forgot a crucial piece of equipment - my board.

I didn't want to spend extra money to rent an unfamiliar board (I would probably break something, anyway), so I drove home. What a loser! It has been snowing the last couple of days so the snow would have been good. Last week, the snow was really bad - packed down like a hard rock. Oh well, my mind is just a fuzz.

What if I make a decision in this fuzzy state. I was thinking about trying my own eggs again. Wondering if I could deal with the embarrassment of going back to my clinic. What the heck is wrong with me? Why should I be embarrassed over going to my clinic? Because I am a serial IVFer. During my last cycle, I had to deal with lots of little comments from the workers (my money helps to pay their salaries). I could feel there stares and their little comments that are translated into:

• Back again? You poor delusional soul
• She must have a lot of money that she can waste
• Doesn't she know that she is too old? We never get pregnancies with this type using her own egg.
• She must be desperate. No partner, no baby, and just keeps trying.
• "Do you know why you had the miscarriage" {I don't need to translate that statement}

It is ridiculous that a grown woman, paying a lot of money, jumping through all kinds of hoops, and investing a lot of time should feel embarrassed. I can't really explain it, but it is there. Maybe I am embarrassed that my body has failed me. I was so arrogant to think I could beat the odds. I was really convinced that I would become pregnant.

My big question is "How badly do I want to become pregnant and be a mother?" I'm starting to question what I am doing. Am I just on a quest and can't stop? It is so easy to get caught up in all of the hoopla and Internet groups of woman trying for the same thing. We just keep blindly moving ahead, moving ahead, one foot in front of the other, no matter what. Does anyone ever stop and say "what am I doing?"

And, I still am missing my front tooth. Just to add to my low self esteem.