Head In Sand

I don't know what to do and I am still depressed. I'm in a "I don't give a fuck" eating mode, so I am not eating well. Woman eat like crap and get pregnant all the time. Why have I spent the past 2 years on an organic diet, and ate so many gross foods that I don't like - all in the name of fertility. What a waste.

Since I can't figure out what to do, I just try not to think about my future with/without child. Of course, my mother brings up the adoption issue, again. Apparently, if one is not successful with bearing a child then you must move down the adoption path. I'm just not ready for the adoption thing; maybe, I never will be.

Here is what I accomplished during my weekend of fertility failure:

• Cleaned and sealed grout in the mud room
• Pulled out the fridge and cleaned all that funky dust. Changed the fridge water filter
• Unclogged the toilet
• Changed the washers and springs on one of the sinks (to stop a drip)
• Prepared the outdoor sprinklers for the summer by clearing out debris from each sprinkler head.
  
• Fertilized the lawn
• Turned on the sprinkler system and went through a cycle. Re-winterized the sprinkler system (it is supposed to snow later this week)
• Shoveled out dirt and prepped ground for a large piece of flagstone (which I installed).
  
• Fixed gate so it closes.
• Shoveled rocks around to cover bare spots
• Swabbed the outdoor deck (spray with water, swab, spray with water).
• Took the outdoor chairs out of storage, used WD-40, and placed outside
• Cleaned some of the house and did some laundry
• Watered plants
• And other little things......

I posted on a clinic's website and the doc wrote me back: "Don't make a decision without talking to me". I wrote about throwing in the towel and going the DE route. I guess I will call for a free consutlation. However, I need to prepare my paperwork so I am ready to talk (cycle info, blood results, etc)

I've been researching the DE route in Eastern Europe. A little scary, but I am started to warm up to the idea.

Lost in Library

I went to the local library to search for a book to read. It has been a very long time since I wandered the stacks. I was pregnant the last time I looked for a book. The emotions flooded into me and I contemplated laying down on the floor and shutting the world out. I wonder how I can go on with every day life when I feel such emptiness and pain. I don't know what I am doing.

I think I just try to ignore all of my feelings (most of the time). But, there I was in the library feeling so, so empty. One year ago, I was pregnant. I am starting to get very bitter about losing my baby. The pain is so great. I still wonder if I didn't do everything that I could have done. Maybe that damn hike did me in. Maybe, I was an idiot for thinking I felt good and should go for a long walk. I killed my baby. I should have been at home, laying in bed. I read about a woman who was bleeding at 12 weeks and went on bed rest for over 1 month - she had a healthy baby. Why did the u/s tech. not worry about the bleeding. Why did my OB say "let's hope for the best" and let me alone until I had my m/c. Maybe, if I had a different doctor, I would be caring for a baby right now.

I was only knowingly pregnant for 2 months (8 weeks), yet I am still devastated by my loss. All of my losses (relationship, failed cycles, m/c, best friend, ....). I am a walking zombie. Sometimes, I pretend to friends and co-workers that I am happy. I can not share how sad and miserable I truly feel.

The pregnant woman at work doesn't help. She probably got pregnant as soon as she decided to become a mother. I don't know. I keep away from her and don't talk to her. Except for today, when she cornered me in an office. I offered her some chocolate that I was giving away and ran out of the room.

Lack of Sleep

I didn't function too well today, because I stayed up until 3 am researching overseas clinics, donor eggs, and wondering about my own eggs (are they too old, too hard, too defective, ...).

I decided to drag my ass out of the house and go snowboarding for a few hours. Due to traffic and leaving the house very late, I arrived at the ski area's parking lot (great spot right in front) before 1 pm. I figured that I would be on the lift by 1, and proceeding through the ritual of putting on my boots and lacing up tight. After the boots (which is a little difficult in the car, but I don't like to open the door and get cold), I put on my coat, placed important things in my pocket and was about to exit the car when I realized that I forgot a crucial piece of equipment - my board.

I didn't want to spend extra money to rent an unfamiliar board (I would probably break something, anyway), so I drove home. What a loser! It has been snowing the last couple of days so the snow would have been good. Last week, the snow was really bad - packed down like a hard rock. Oh well, my mind is just a fuzz.

What if I make a decision in this fuzzy state. I was thinking about trying my own eggs again. Wondering if I could deal with the embarrassment of going back to my clinic. What the heck is wrong with me? Why should I be embarrassed over going to my clinic? Because I am a serial IVFer. During my last cycle, I had to deal with lots of little comments from the workers (my money helps to pay their salaries). I could feel there stares and their little comments that are translated into:

• Back again? You poor delusional soul
• She must have a lot of money that she can waste
• Doesn't she know that she is too old? We never get pregnancies with this type using her own egg.
• She must be desperate. No partner, no baby, and just keeps trying.
• "Do you know why you had the miscarriage" {I don't need to translate that statement}

It is ridiculous that a grown woman, paying a lot of money, jumping through all kinds of hoops, and investing a lot of time should feel embarrassed. I can't really explain it, but it is there. Maybe I am embarrassed that my body has failed me. I was so arrogant to think I could beat the odds. I was really convinced that I would become pregnant.

My big question is "How badly do I want to become pregnant and be a mother?" I'm starting to question what I am doing. Am I just on a quest and can't stop? It is so easy to get caught up in all of the hoopla and Internet groups of woman trying for the same thing. We just keep blindly moving ahead, moving ahead, one foot in front of the other, no matter what. Does anyone ever stop and say "what am I doing?"

And, I still am missing my front tooth. Just to add to my low self esteem.