A Most Unpleasant Day - Tooth Implant Surgery

The day started out pleasant enough, because I went for a mountain bike ride up South Table Mountain. The day was humid which resulted in me having more asthma issues than usual (I did not use my inhaler)

Fast forward to sitting in the dentist chair at 1 pm. I get a Q-tip that has a cherry flavored numbing agent that makes my mouth salivate. After a few minutes the endodontist (I'll just call him endo) came in and started to give me shots in my gums. It hurts when the numbing agent is spreading into my body. I get a whole bunch of shots near the #9 tooth (left front incisor) and a bunch near my top, left rear molars. As I squeeze my hands together, I wonder when I will stop feeling the pain from the injections. My body is so stiff, that my arm starts to shake. I concentrate on relaxing my muscles and trying not to arch my back. My lips feel huge and my left eye-lid feels funny. The endo tells me it is just my muscles relaxing. My nose is stuffy (actually, just my left nostril) and the tip is numb. I wish the rest of my muscles would relax like my face.

After I sit and "cook" for a while, and go through another round of shots (I still feel them). The endo and 2 assistants come in dressed for surgery. There is a lot of suction going on and commands "top", "bottom", "in", "out", and commands for me - "left", "right", "tilt back", "don't move". Sometimes I get tapped on the face when I don't respond. I squeeze my hands or the arm rests tightly. I still try to calm myself and tell myself that I don't feel the pain. However, I feel all of the pressure and vibrations. I feel and hear the scraping of my bone. I feel and hear the drill going into my bone (and the counter sink drill which gets used a lot).

When the endo mutters non-encouraging words and sighs loudly, I open my eyes. All work has stopped and everyone is just looking at me. The endo likes to talk to himself, so I get continually updates when things aren't going well. When I hear "what do I do?" and "why did they do that", I realize that things are not going to be easy. The prosthodontist (crown guy) works in the same office and comes in 5 times for consultations since my implant is proving difficult. There is a lot of "lingual" and "distal" talk in addition to the discussions of the angle and ridges.

I notice that the endo's right hand is shaking. At one point, he gets up and says "hand". I'm starting to open my eyes a lot and notice that shaking hand that is covered in my blood. I think that I should be part of an implant documentary with my view being the view of the camera. I get a good look at the hair that creeps up the neck of the endo.

There is a lot of discussion (mostly the endo talking to himself) over what type of graft material to use. He speaks in code to his assistants, so I'm not always sure what is going on. Later, I find out that I had a large hole and needed an extensive bone graft. The entire front of the implant is a graft, and the surrounding bone is soft. In short, my implant is precarious. The endo compared it to a compound leg fracture that is only supported by an Ace bandage.

I'm being worked on for over nearly 4 hours. The top of my head keeps going numb. Each chance I get to "relax", I lift my head and stretch my legs. I start to feel the drill in my bone a bit too much. I have to wait for him to finish drilling, since I don't want to move and hit his hand. I indicate to the technician that I am starting to feel things. The endo tells me he is in the middle of something and doesn't want to impeded my blood flow. So, I continue to feel but the pain isn't too bad. Eventually, I get more shots.

While I was being stitched up, I can feel the needles. Once again, I am told that he didn't want my blood flow impeded. The pain wasn't too bad, so I just felt the needles going in and out.

Finally, it was done but I had to fit for the retainer. By this point, the pain is starting but I still haven't picked up my pain pills. I am told to be really careful and keep my blood pressure down. This means no walking. I have to be a couch potato for at least a week. I was given the clear retainer that contains the fake tooth, but told to wear it as little as possible. So, I will not wear it at all until it is "safe". At this point, I don't care if I go around with a missing tooth. I paid $3,200 and was sent out of the office.

I went directly to the pharmacy in the building and filled my prescriptions. It seemed like a long wait. As soon as I got to my car, I popped a pain pill and drove straight home. Once home, I took another pain pill. It was a very long hour while I waiting for the pills to kick in.

Bike Ride Bad Feeling

I'm having a thing against using an asthma inhaler. I'm trying to keep my body drug free in anticipation of TTC, but I end up being oxygen deprived. I attempted to ride my mountain bike up Green Mountain for exercise. I was having a difficult time and had to stop a lot to rest and hand my head (to avoid fainting). After a while, I realized that I was stopping more and more frequently and felt pretty bad.

The lack of oxygen was getting to me and I was over 3/4 of the way to the top. I finally decided that I didn't need to do myself in, so I turned about and rode down the hill. I have turned into a wimp and am afraid to go fast because I might fall on the gravel. I have had experience from this, so I turned into a granny.

Confusion

I am continually torn over TTC or not. I know that a baby is a life changing event, and life as I know it will cease. When I was TTC and had a partner, I had some comfort in being with someone. Now, that I am alone, I question the sanity of having a baby.

What if the baby has mental or physical handicaps? I can't imagine caring for a healthy baby, let alone a special needs baby/child. How will I be able to handle having a baby and being alone? Will I be overwhelmed and be depressed and alone with a baby? Is it the right decision? Am I being selfish and stupid?

I am still in much pain over being dumped. Using my brain, it would be best to wait for a while until TTC. However, time is something that I don't have. I feel my fertility and egg quality slipping away as each second passes.

I am not recovered from my relationship and my miscarriage. I was looking forward to miscarriage counseling this week (better late than never), but it is the same day as my oral surgery so I doubt I will be attending. Now, I'm thinking about going to the surgery myself and being home by myself afterward. No one to care for me. No one to comfort me while I am in pain. I keep waiting for her to come home, but that will never happen (and it makes me so sad).

Insurance Woes

I'm sick of waiting to hear about my coverage for a couple of blood tests. I would just go ahead and pay for them, except that the blood clotting test costs $3,000. The APA Panel (for immune disease) only cost a mere $180. My doctor's office put in the request to my insurance company, so I am in a wait mode.

Being bored with the wait, I called my insurance company to seek if I could gleam any information about coverage. I got the usual - we can't tell you anything speech. It is my insurance, why can't they tell me if I am covered and for how much? After more probing, I learned that they never received the request from my doctor's office. I called my doctor's office to get them to send the information again. Once again, I asked if they requested the dollar amount of the coverage. Last time, I was told that they did ask, but I learned that they are only expecting a Yes/No response.

I had to convince the billing person to ASK for the dollar amount of coverage. She just couldn't get it until I explained how my last test was "covered", but the charges were $1,200 over the acceptable charge. Hopefully, I will get this information soon.

My tooth implant surgery will be next week, so I will get that out of the way. Now, if I can just get my answers for the blood tests I can be on the road for my next cycle.

Getting Probbed

Today, I had my uterus checked out. The last time I was in those same stirrups, I was looking at my 8.5 week old baby and listening to the heart beat. I was very emotional, and I surprised myself by crying. It was too much to be back in the stirrups and starting all over again. I am not supposed to be back. I was so happy last time with a baby to view.

The ultrasound looked good. I had 3 follicles on the left side and 5-6 on the right. I'm not doing anything with those follicles, but it is nice to know that I can still produce w/out stimulation.

The hysteroscopy wasn't very comfortable, but it was quick. The doctor came into the room and got down to business right away. I think he left the room 2 minutes later and $600 richer. The good news is that my uterus is fine and is ready for another cycle. The question is "Am I ready?"

The 2 Month Funk

It has been just over 2 months and life still sucks. My ex-partner is causing me a lot of problems. I really don't enjoy having the crap scared out of me at 10:30 at night because she decides to come over (without letting me know). I guess it was my fault because I was in the shower with the radio on and didn't hear the knocks or phone calls.

She comes over when I'm not home and takes what she wants from the house. Not fun.

I'm trying to go on the road to another IVF. I feel strange since I am alone, but I don't have time to wait. Tomorrow, the RE will check out my uterus via an ultrasound followed by a hysteroscopy (pump carbon dioxide into my uterus and take a peek). I had a hysteroscopy once before - it was just starting to hurt when the procedure ended. Then, I had to deal with weird shoulder pain from the gas for the next couple of hours.

I ask myself:

• What am I doing?
• Where am I going?
• Am I crazy?
• What is my life?

I don't have answers and probably should not make any decisions at this point in my life. Unfortunately, the clock is ticking and I can't wait. The RE was very positive when I met with him a couple of weeks ago. Of course, I wonder about his motives: $$$$

Here are some comments from the RE (in reference to my last IVF cycle):

• Couldn't ask for better {I want better - I don't want another miscarriage)
• Unusual
• Better than younger women
• If I can support anyone at your age for doing this, I support you
• Way above normal for age - Great responder
• Great cycle

Well, it was so darn good then why is my uterus empty. I am still numb and wonder where my life is headed. I'm pissed at my ex (who I love very much) for dumping me and being so incredible cruel and mean. She is deranged and seems to have an alternate reality.

In her reality, I get advice from my sister's attorney and from a relative. I also seem to have unlimited funds which I am happy to spend on her (as I have for the past 11 years). The last 11 years part is true.

Next Steps:

1. Make appointment for implant surgery (not the boob type, but for a tooth)
2. See RE for uterus checkup
3. Wait for insurance company to give me an answer on the blood clotting test for $3,000
4. Hopefully, get the hyper-coag (blood clotting) and APA Panel (immune system) blood work.