Halle Berry

I have been in my expected, depressed state after hearing about my big fucking negative. I feel like I am in a deep fog and don't want to face life.  Fortunately, life is socking my in the gut because I had to deal with the bitch's attorney.  At least I am alive and feeling pain, sorrow, and sadness - how good it is to feel.

As I was getting the gray removed from my hair, I was reading the intellectual People magazine.  It seems that Halle Berry is 3 months pregnant.  I used to be 3 months pregnant.  It made me feel badly to read the story.  I'm 2 yrs old than she, will my rotted eggs ever produce a normal child?

My RE called me, yesterday.  My cycle looked excellent on paper.  Why, a 35 yrs old would have an 80% chance of achieving a pregnancy if she had 4 high quality embryos placed inside of her uterus.  Since I got a bfn, then I probably had rotted eggs that would have resulted in an abnormal baby - hence, the natural selection of not getting pregnant.  Well, my RE didn't quite put it in those words, but that is how I heard the news.  Dr. RE will support me trying again, but wants to talk to me about donor eggs.

I am old
I have rotted eggs
Why should I expect a 43 yr old to get pregnant.
Why would a single woman get pregnant.
Why should I want anything
Why was I dumped

Sad, Sad

So, my lazy ass embryos did not latch on and grow.  What kind of ungrateful embryo brats did I create?  I have not even shed a tear about the "negative test" until my group meeting on Monday night (that is 3 days after my beta).  Why didn't I cry?  Am I too devastated to cry?  I can't afford to keep doing this.  I would like to keep trying, but the money is overwhelming.

When do I stop?

Do I have an option, or will I be kicked out of the program? I have to face the reality that I will never be a mother.  That I will never be pregnant, again.  That I will never hold my new born infant in my arms.  That I have spent $70,000 for a lot of heart ache and grief.

Big Fucking Negative

"I'm sorry, hon, it is negative"

Those words are so devastating. There is nothing I can do, and no where I can turn.  Life sucks.

I really thought that I might have been pregnant.  That I beat the odds.  I should stop thinking so highly of myself.  I'm just an old, washed up, barren woman.  I knew it would be bad news when I didn't hear from the nurse.  The last time, when it was positive, I recevied the call by noon.  Both negative calls where received after 3 pm.  The nurses probably draw straws to see who makes the BFN calls.

The Morning of my BETA

Here goes the last set of "symptoms" prior to my blood test. I feel that I may be pregnant, but I realize that it could all be from the hormones that I have been taking. It makes me sad that I could be duped into thinking that I am pregnant. Then I think "Well, what do I expect? I am 43 and alone - I should be realistic."

• Boobs are not sore, but they seem fuller
• Peeing a lot (my best symptom)
• I weigh 140 (5 pounds more than when I started the IVF drugs)
• Yesterday, I felt that woozy 'out of body' feeling, but just a little bit. Not like when I was pregnant.
• I didn't pee much, yesterday so that has me worried.
• I'm not spotting any more. The "spotting" that I did have was very, very light and little. I could barely see it. Or, it was my imagination. Maybe all of my so-called symptoms are my imagination. Maybe, I am just fucking crazy.
• I feel minor cramping. Even after I relieve myself, so it isn't my bowels.
• I get very, very hungry and eat much more than I think I can eat.
• I've been wearing my blond grandmother's, fake aquamarine ring and a necklace from my mother that includes my great grandmother's wedding ring that my grandmother wore, a mazol that was given to my mother from her brother, a good luck horn that was my uncle's and a Jewish star (also my uncle's). My uncle and grandmothers have all passed away. So, I've been wearing the jewelry (non-stop, except for bathing) since the ET - very superstitious (and I'm not that way)
  

All of this could be AF knocking on the door. I will not POAS, and I am off to give my blood (after I eat breakfast, of course)

The Day Before Beta

Today, I am convinced that I'm not pregnant. Yet, in the back of mind, I really think that I am. How is that for crazy. I have also convinced myself that I was pregnant on Tuesday, but I'm not now (a chemical).

I realize that either I am pregnant, I'm not pregnant, or I'm a little pregnant (chemical). Either way, it is what it is. I'll just find out.

For the first cycle ever, I am not POAS. I always knew the results in the past, but this time it is cold turkey for me.

I won't be shocked if it is or isn't. However, I will be crushed and devastated.

Travel To San Diego - am I pregnant?

I am still stuck on symptoms. This morning, I really thought that I was pregnant, but not I don't think so.

More symptoms:

1. Very emotional [I keep crying while reading my book, listening to news, moment of silence of the 9/11 victims]
2. Felt a little woozy [maybe from 4 hrs of sleep]
3. Peed 4 times on a 2 hr 20 minute flight [maybe I shouldn't drink so much water]
4. Mild cramping [get real - AF is on her way, or I need to go to the bathroom]
   

Another day, another thought

Another day in the TWO WEEK WAIT HELL

My thoughts range from

• I'm pregnant
• I'm having twins
• Shit, how am I going to raise twins as a single mother
• I'm not pregnant
• How could I even hope that I would be pregnant and carry to term
• I'm a loser, because I tried so hard to have a baby but couldn't do it
• I am barren

I may not POAS this time around, because this TWW is so much harder. I'm going to be devastated if I get a BFN.

I have a work trip to keep my mind off of things. We'll see if I can stop myself from going to a drug store and buying a stick to pee on.

SYMPTOMS
I said I wouldn't do this, that I wouldn't pay any attention to "symptoms" because they don't mean anything. I'm trying, but that little voice keeps pointing them out to me. This is the same voice that tells me that I'm not pregnant. Here it is:

1. Boobs are sore [I'm taking estrogen and progesterone - of course they are sore]
2. I'm eating a lot [I'm a pig, and/or the hormones in item#1 are the reason]
3. I felt lower, abdomen twinges today [probably gas or normal, minimal pain events]
4. Headache [duh, don't I always have headaches?]
5. Peeing more than normal [see item#1]
6. Constipated [is this any different from not going for 6 days after implant surgery?]
   

TWW Hell

Half the time, I think that I may be pregnant. I am proud of myself for being so positive, and smug that I will beat the odds and be pregnant again.

Then, I realize I will get that terrible phone call on Sept 14 to let me know that the beta was negative. All my hopes and dreams, all of my money down the tube.

I wonder where my life is going. I feel so empty, so alone. I don't know what the heck is going on.

Symptoms of Craziness

1. Eating a lot
2. Peeing, but I am thirsty and drinking a lot
3. Sore bbs (not sure - probably due to progesterone)
4. I just have to be!
   

Eating like a Pig

I have started to eat a lot - is that a symptom?

I fell asleep at midnight and got up at 4 am to pee. If I pee every 2 hrs, then I will think I have HCG inside of my body (and a little bean growing).

This is my bruise from doing injections (I haven't done an injection in 10 days). The bruise is from 17 days ago (I think).

Will it work
Will it not
Hurry-up
My eggs are deforming around the clock

I Don't Feel Pregnant

No sore boobs.

No peeing every 5 minutes

No getting up 6x during the night to pee.

No symptoms, therefore, not pregnant.

Ok, it is only 4 days post egg transfer (ET), but I want to be pregnant. I have much more pressure this time around, because more people know. My mother flew out to help me with ER/ET for christ's sake.

I'm still wearing my mother's gold chain that is complete with my great-grandmother's wedding rings that my grandmother wore, gold items that my belonged to my deceased uncle, and gold objects that my uncle had given to my mother. I should be on a beach in Boca. I'm also wearing a ring from my grandmother that died 9 yrs ago.

Did I mention that my ET was on the 9 yr anniversary of my grandmother's death? Does that mean something?

ET - better than I thought

Here's my ET story: My mother gave me a necklace to wear that contained items from my uncle (he died a while ago), my great grandmother's wedding ring, and I wore a ring that was my grandmothers. Today was the day that my dear grandmother died 9 yrs ago. So many "death' reminders when I am trying to start a new life.

I didn't listen to the nurses and I peed when I got to the office, because I know my bladder fills quickly. When they checked my bladder, It was so full that they had me empty 1/2 cup. I felt more comfortable for this procedure because my bladder wasn't killing me. After the procedure, I had to hang around on my back for 40 minutes. I was trying not to use the bedpan, but couldn't make it - it is very messy, but at least the nurse left me alone for the deed.

I had a different RE do the procedure, but I liked her. The embryo news was pretty good:
8 cell 4
8 cell 4-
8 cell 4-
7 cell 3+

I was really afraid that I would only have 1 or 2 to implant. The doc reminded me that even though the embryos looks great, they could still have genetic problems. The embryologist told me that she was very happy with the embryo quality.

So, I am sitting and baking and hope that I can get 1 to implant and grow.

Fertilization Report

Here is the scoop from the embroyologist:

• 5 eggs retrieved (that I knew)
• 4 eggs were mature
• ICSI done on the 4 mature eggs
• 4 eggs fertilized

I am dissapointed that I had so few eggs. I said something to the embroyologist, and he pulled my stats to announce what I had at my LAST IVF:

15 eggs, 9 fertilized, 5 trasnferred - and I know that I got pregnant for 3 months.

If my egg quality is like the other times, I will lose 50% of the eggs by the time of the transfer. It scares me that I may only have 1 or 2 eggs to transfer. How could the RE think this cycle is just like the rest? Unless he knows something about the quality of this round. Maybe, maybe the quality is more? I never had all eggs fertilize, so maybe these are very high quality and I will end up with 8 cell, Grade A embryos for transfer.

Now, I wait for the ET on Monday. A nurse is supposed to call me with a time.