The news came on my cell phone while I was at work. I didn't cry.
I also didn't leave work until 10 pm. No dinner, no caring for my safety. I just don't give a shit.

The tears came while walking to my car. The tears flowed while driving home. It is a good thing that I have a box of tissues in my car.

I feel so alone. I am barren. I have no future. I am in financial ruin for paying for 4 IVFs and 4 IUIs and tons of tests. My heart is still broken over my lost relationship. My emotions are fragile over being dumped. I lost my best friend (not really lost since she ran away from me). I will never be pregnant. I had no idea that my 2.5 months of pregnancy (3 months along) would be it - forever.

The IVF nurse sounded so apologetic, and I didn't show any emotion to her. My RE will call me on Friday, but I don't need to talk to him. I don't need him to rub salt in my wounds. I know that I have old, rotted eggs that no longer work. I don't want to hear the donor egg suggestion. I can't afford any more. I am done.

I knew this was coming, and I am still falling apart.

Here are some statiscially insignificant IVF statistics (based on 4 IVFs):
  • I now have a 100% failure on my IVF cycles when I did accupuncture. Did I ruin my chances by doing accupuncutue?
  • I have 100% failure rate using Menopur
  • 50% success rate (for getting pregnant) when no accupuncture was involved
  • 50% success rate using Repronex
  • 100% failure rate for carrying a healthy baby to term
Obviously, I don't want to go to sleep. I just tossed my pills that were on my night stand. I delete the medication reminders from my cell phone. I still have to cleanup all the meds, needles, and fertility crap that is out and about in my house.

Another Worthless List:
  • 1 D&C to remove polyps
  • 1 hysteroscopy to remove polyps that were not removed during the D&C
  • 1 D&C to remove 3 month old dead baby from my womb
  • 1 mole removal on my areola (my lifelong 'beauty mark' is gone). {beauty mark is what my mother called moles}
  • 2005 - first fertility tests
  • 2006 - 4 IUIs + 1 IVF
  • 2007 - 2 IVFs (includes 1 Pregnancy for 3 months)
  • 2008 - 1 IVF
My nose is totally clogged up from crying. My ears are closed. Sleep will not come easy tonight.


katty said...

I have nothing useful to say.
I am so very sorry.

maybe42 said...

Sometimes life just sucks. Thanks for reading.