Honey, Try Again

He has an uncanny way of knowing how I feel. The only person who has said anything to me about how I really feel. He mentioned my loss and desperation, and the fact that I am alone. He told me to try again and not to worry about statistics or money. He told me that god will give me a child. He went on to tell me biblical stories and the recent story of a man declared dead that wasn't really dead. There was a lot of cursing and crying because he was sloshed - very drunk.

This male relative had me bawling just before I went to work. My make-up was done and I was ready to head out the door. I tried to hold it together, but I couldn't. He was telling me things that I want to hear and wouldn't listen to my reason of why I shouldn't try again. "I'll put the fucking money in the mail right now". 'It's only money' doesn't sit well with me - it doesn't matter if it is mine or belongs to someone else. I don't like to throw it away; a 10% chance is throwing it away.

I'll be 44 tomorrow. It is difficult to even think of. I can not celebrate. I still haven't checked my emails (not since negative beta day), haven't opened birthday cards, or the package that I received.

Can I deal with going for another round? I'm an IVF junkie. An old, hopeless one. The looks that I get from the technicians, from the blood lechers, the nurses, .... I had to put up with their stares and little statements. "Do they know why you had a miscarriage?". I could hear it in her voice -
you are old, it will fail, give it up, poor girl - she has hope; how sad, ....

Why am I even entertaining the idea from a drunken relative who is talking with god? Am I that hopeless?