Utterly Devastated

I have been having a really difficult time. In fact, I was kind of equating this to the type of feelings that I had after my miscarriage. My current despair is not in the same ballpark as the miscarriage, but I am so down and crying a lot. I have had two other negative IVF cycles and 4 negative IUIs - none of those had me feeling like I am from my latest negative beta. I am so devastated, feel so alone and hopeless. I can barely hold it together when my father tells me to try again. It is so stupid - how can I keep spending an insane amount of money at a 10% chance of keeping a baby. If I do donor eggs, then I have a 75-80% chance of success.

While I was in my latest IVF cycle, I kept thinking if it was negative I would start to exercise a lot, go snowboarding, loose some weight, and get in shape. I couldn't do that during IVF, because I was trying to prep my body for a while. I read about the 'fertility diet' in a Newsweek article; so, I ate some fatty dairy products (I usually do non-fat or low-fat dairy). I cut out my milk consumption because my acupuncturist thought it was bad for me. I stopped eating bowls of cereal because I felt it wasn't very healthy and a friend's acupuncturist told her to stop and she became pregnant.

I stopped drinking chocolate milk (both cold and hot). I don't drink tea or coffee, so when I am cold I like hot chocolate. I like cold chocolate milk because I crave it. I really tried to eat healthy by eating lots of protein (I'm a veggie head), fruits and veggies. Now, some of you might be thinking "she's a vegetarian, so how hard can it be?" Well, the truth is that I am more of a junk food vegetarian - I don't like veggies that much. I love chocolate milk. I love asparagus. I love my home made spinach and black bean burritos. OK, I am not into total junk but when I like something, I eat it. I really don't like bananas, apples, kiwi, grapes, but I forced myself to eat these things. And for what? I'm like 'fuck this' and had a chocolate milk, yesterday. I hadn't had one in months.

This blog is so depressing. I am so depressing. I thought that I was getting better. Paid off the bitch, was looking forward to my IVF (I got the money from refinancing my home), and had a great cycle for an old bag. Now, I feel like I did one month post miscarriage. I have taken giant steps backward. I am devastated that this cycle didn't work.

My RE called, yesterday. He would support another go (I am a good money maker for his office), but strongly suggests donor eggs. He told me that they couldn't have hoped for a better cycle (except for the final outcome). It is likely that my good looking embryos had a genetic problems; this means that they were old and decrepit.

Back to my mourning.


Almamay said...

I just found your blog and wanted to send you a massive hug. I know a little of how you feel and it's not nice. It is really hard to be good to yourself when you are feeling so low. Take care.

orodemniades said...

I wish I could give you a big hug. And some chocolate.

maybe42 said...

Thanks for the 'hugs'. I'm having a hard time taking care of myself with eating well. I'm sure that will come back, but not right now.