Eve of the Last Beta of My Life

This evening, before my last beta that I will ever have, is painful. sad. agonizing. And, another negative hpt. I used my Dollar Tree test in the am, and before bed, I broke out the expensive Clear Blue Digital. It clearly stated "Not Pregnant".

I fear that this cycle is a bust. And, things went so well (15 eggs, 11 to fertilize, and 6 to implant). It was my best stats for this nearly 44 yr old, barren woman. Shit, my birthday is next week. I will be 44. I will be childless. I will be barren. I will be alone. I will be sad.

I keep wanting to cry. I felt some very slight cramping, and I still have hope. Even as I write about how this cycle has failed, I still have hope and will be crushed when the call comes in. It goes something like this: "Sorry hon, but it is negative. Stop taking all medications"

Fuck this shit. Another 20K down the drain. I might as well hit financial bottom since I'm at an emotional bottom.

The pregnancy drug hormones that I am taking play tricks on me. I feel slightly dizzy at times, very thirsty, hungry, and slight cramps, and dark circles under my eyes. I want to see that fucking HPT tell me "Pregnant". I want to see that fucking Test line shine. My beta is at 8:30 am. I will take 2 hpt tests in the morning; my last Dollar Tree and my last Clear Blue.

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