Happy, Unhappy Birthday - you old, barren bag

Today is the anniversary of the day my mother gave birth to me. I have never been so depressed on my birthday. Last year was filled with joy as I was pregnant. This year, not pregnant and this day is like the final nail in my genetic ability to reproduce coffin.

The well wishes from family was just to much to bear and sent me into crying fit. I decided to check my emails (I haven't done this since black Wednesday when I got my negative beta). Friends had written to me about the negative and I wrote them back with tears streaming down my face. Once of them caught on and wrote back: "Happy, Unhappy Birthday"

I decided that I had to do something, today. I picked myself off of the floor from the fetal position and went snowboarding. Not for too long, not too hard, not too fast - I'm out of shape from all of this baby-making tries, and the snow was very, very hard and icy. It is always a good day when I can drive myself home and not be in pain.

Someone that is familiar with my issues, told me
"You shouldn't try again because of genetic problems:
"What genetic problems? I don't know of any."
"The folic acid thing"

Oh shit, that has nothing to do with my lack of getting pregnant. After all of my extensive blood tests, it was determined that my MTHFR homozygous mutation did not effect my folic acid intake because my homocysteine were extremely low (this is good). I even take the extra folic acid / vitamin B combo in a FABB tab (my RE said it isn't necessary). I tried to explain my MTHFR condition, but I could tell that the "genetic mutation" thing took priority over everything. I'm not saying that I should try again with my own eggs, but MTHFR is not a reason to not try. The reason not to try is that I have old, rotted eggs. Then, I had to throw in that I was carrying a normal, healthy female in my womb when she fell out at 13 weeks. There - no what do you have to say?

I'm back on the DE / adoption route. I wonder why I should bother to carry a baby if I have no genetic link. I'm even looking up DE in Europe where it is much cheaper than here. Yes, it may be cheaper, but what am I getting? Who knows? I know the quality and QC in the states is very good, but it is unknown in Europe (especially the less expensive countries). How do I really, really know if it is safe? Why does this European IVF clinic only have a success rate of 65%. My RE tells me donor egg and IVF will put me in the 75-80% success rate. I would think that clinics may lie about their stats. If they are lying at 65%, then what is their real rate? Why is it so much lower than my expensive, well-known US clinic?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I know it's so late, but it's the first time I read your blog. Statistics: in most places in Europe, you can't transfer more than 3 embryos, so the chances are less than if you transfer, say...6. Thus the reduced success percentage. Clinics in Spain (I talk about what I really know, and they are really modern and good clinics) do any available test to guarantee the perfect health of donnors. But they are anonymous. You cannot never know if they are a truck drivers, nurses, PhDs or whatever. Most of egg donnor are collegue students, but that's it.
Hope you have found hope and wellness to go through whatever you've decided. Best wishes.