Weekend of Reflection

Still depressed over my life (or lack thereof) and hiding out at home. I wasn't curled up in a fetal position the whole time, since I unclogged my sink. I had wanted to call a plumber because I imagined that I would be pregnant. My sink stopped working during the 2WW, so I was waiting for the beta to see how to handle the problem. Unfortunately, I got to perform the work (the sink now drains). Many tears during the sink fixing, because I had to empty my cabinet under the sink.

  • I found a pregnancy test that I misplaced. What do I do with that?
  • I found my anti-stretch mark butter cream that I used on my stomach during my pregnancy. What do I do with that?

When my RE called me, he said "...let me know what you guys want to do..." He said "you guys" quite a few times during the conversation. I've had 2 meetings with him since I was dumped. At my post-miscarriage consultation, I told him that we were no longer a couple. At my IVF#3 failure, he was doing the "you guys" thing, so I corrected him and told him that I was single. I just didn't have the strength to correct him again. At least he remembers something about me (we must have made an impression on him during the initial consultation).

Last week, Sarah Solitaire had a post about the desire for a child that is genetically linked to her. I have to say that I feel the same way - I really want that genetic link. Maybe, that is why I am so down and depressed - it will not happen for me. I wouldn't mind to try again. My body can handle it, but my purse can not. My RE said he would support me to try again. I look at Alexis Stewart (Martha's daughter) with envy since her mother can support her trying again, and again, and again. Of course, if she doesn't get pregnant then there shouldn't be an envy. I want my own baby that is linked to me. I know that I would love a child brought to me via DE or adaption as my own, but I crave that link that can never be. An adopted child can run away to find their bio parents (I probably would have done that during my rebellious teenage years). If I was adopted, I would have screamed all kinds of things at my parents (not that I didn't scream unkind things at them, but I think it would cut a lot more if I could have used 'adopted' as additional ammunition). I know that an adopted child or child conceived through DE would be my child as much as the genetic child. I guess I am selfish.

Even if I did have the funding, did IVF 10 more times, and finally get a positive, what about genetic problems with the baby? At my age, the chances of a problem are something to think about. I can't imagine the pain of terminating a much desired pregnancy. However, it is difficult to think about the pain of not having a child.

Even my family is giving me the donor egg (DE) and adaption speeches. Support has waned for using my own eggs due to costs and potential genetic issues and the statistics for my age group.

My birthday is in 2 days. Just writing about my birthday make me cry. The thought of another birthday, of being alone, of not being pregnant, of never being pregnant is too much for me to think about. I can't celebrate my birthday. Not a birthday that puts me in an age group that is "too old" to have a baby, that is statistically very unlikely to have my own, healthy baby. I really don't want family or friends to recognize my birthday because it is like rubbing salt in my wounds. I don't think I can go to work and have people say "Happy Birthday". I think I will take the day off and go snowboarding by myself. I am so out of shape after my latest IVF cycle, and I am sure I will cry so I don't need to be with anyone.

And, I am still without a fucking front tooth. I'm sure I'll bitch about that more in future posts, but right now, I need to curl back into my fetal position on the floor.

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