Head In Sand

I don't know what to do and I am still depressed. I'm in a "I don't give a fuck" eating mode, so I am not eating well. Woman eat like crap and get pregnant all the time. Why have I spent the past 2 years on an organic diet, and ate so many gross foods that I don't like - all in the name of fertility. What a waste.

Since I can't figure out what to do, I just try not to think about my future with/without child. Of course, my mother brings up the adoption issue, again. Apparently, if one is not successful with bearing a child then you must move down the adoption path. I'm just not ready for the adoption thing; maybe, I never will be.

Here is what I accomplished during my weekend of fertility failure:

• Cleaned and sealed grout in the mud room
• Pulled out the fridge and cleaned all that funky dust. Changed the fridge water filter
• Unclogged the toilet
• Changed the washers and springs on one of the sinks (to stop a drip)
• Prepared the outdoor sprinklers for the summer by clearing out debris from each sprinkler head.
  
• Fertilized the lawn
• Turned on the sprinkler system and went through a cycle. Re-winterized the sprinkler system (it is supposed to snow later this week)
• Shoveled out dirt and prepped ground for a large piece of flagstone (which I installed).
  
• Fixed gate so it closes.
• Shoveled rocks around to cover bare spots
• Swabbed the outdoor deck (spray with water, swab, spray with water).
• Took the outdoor chairs out of storage, used WD-40, and placed outside
• Cleaned some of the house and did some laundry
• Watered plants
• And other little things......

I posted on a clinic's website and the doc wrote me back: "Don't make a decision without talking to me". I wrote about throwing in the towel and going the DE route. I guess I will call for a free consutlation. However, I need to prepare my paperwork so I am ready to talk (cycle info, blood results, etc)

I've been researching the DE route in Eastern Europe. A little scary, but I am started to warm up to the idea.

Lost in Library

I went to the local library to search for a book to read. It has been a very long time since I wandered the stacks. I was pregnant the last time I looked for a book. The emotions flooded into me and I contemplated laying down on the floor and shutting the world out. I wonder how I can go on with every day life when I feel such emptiness and pain. I don't know what I am doing.

I think I just try to ignore all of my feelings (most of the time). But, there I was in the library feeling so, so empty. One year ago, I was pregnant. I am starting to get very bitter about losing my baby. The pain is so great. I still wonder if I didn't do everything that I could have done. Maybe that damn hike did me in. Maybe, I was an idiot for thinking I felt good and should go for a long walk. I killed my baby. I should have been at home, laying in bed. I read about a woman who was bleeding at 12 weeks and went on bed rest for over 1 month - she had a healthy baby. Why did the u/s tech. not worry about the bleeding. Why did my OB say "let's hope for the best" and let me alone until I had my m/c. Maybe, if I had a different doctor, I would be caring for a baby right now.

I was only knowingly pregnant for 2 months (8 weeks), yet I am still devastated by my loss. All of my losses (relationship, failed cycles, m/c, best friend, ....). I am a walking zombie. Sometimes, I pretend to friends and co-workers that I am happy. I can not share how sad and miserable I truly feel.

The pregnant woman at work doesn't help. She probably got pregnant as soon as she decided to become a mother. I don't know. I keep away from her and don't talk to her. Except for today, when she cornered me in an office. I offered her some chocolate that I was giving away and ran out of the room.

Lack of Sleep

I didn't function too well today, because I stayed up until 3 am researching overseas clinics, donor eggs, and wondering about my own eggs (are they too old, too hard, too defective, ...).

I decided to drag my ass out of the house and go snowboarding for a few hours. Due to traffic and leaving the house very late, I arrived at the ski area's parking lot (great spot right in front) before 1 pm. I figured that I would be on the lift by 1, and proceeding through the ritual of putting on my boots and lacing up tight. After the boots (which is a little difficult in the car, but I don't like to open the door and get cold), I put on my coat, placed important things in my pocket and was about to exit the car when I realized that I forgot a crucial piece of equipment - my board.

I didn't want to spend extra money to rent an unfamiliar board (I would probably break something, anyway), so I drove home. What a loser! It has been snowing the last couple of days so the snow would have been good. Last week, the snow was really bad - packed down like a hard rock. Oh well, my mind is just a fuzz.

What if I make a decision in this fuzzy state. I was thinking about trying my own eggs again. Wondering if I could deal with the embarrassment of going back to my clinic. What the heck is wrong with me? Why should I be embarrassed over going to my clinic? Because I am a serial IVFer. During my last cycle, I had to deal with lots of little comments from the workers (my money helps to pay their salaries). I could feel there stares and their little comments that are translated into:

• Back again? You poor delusional soul
• She must have a lot of money that she can waste
• Doesn't she know that she is too old? We never get pregnancies with this type using her own egg.
• She must be desperate. No partner, no baby, and just keeps trying.
• "Do you know why you had the miscarriage" {I don't need to translate that statement}

It is ridiculous that a grown woman, paying a lot of money, jumping through all kinds of hoops, and investing a lot of time should feel embarrassed. I can't really explain it, but it is there. Maybe I am embarrassed that my body has failed me. I was so arrogant to think I could beat the odds. I was really convinced that I would become pregnant.

My big question is "How badly do I want to become pregnant and be a mother?" I'm starting to question what I am doing. Am I just on a quest and can't stop? It is so easy to get caught up in all of the hoopla and Internet groups of woman trying for the same thing. We just keep blindly moving ahead, moving ahead, one foot in front of the other, no matter what. Does anyone ever stop and say "what am I doing?"

And, I still am missing my front tooth. Just to add to my low self esteem.

Distraught

Apparently, I only blog when distraught. I guess this is my way of trying to stay sane in the most troubling time of my life.

I just finished watching "Into the Wild". I had read the book a while ago, so I knew what would happen. When the movie was done, I was depressed and crying. Not so much about the movie (even though it did draaaag on for a long time), but about my life (or lack thereof). I am lonely. I am sad. I feel empty.

Haven't talked to the male relative since the last upsetting conversation. Guess who called today and I mistakenly answered the phone? Not as drunk last time, but heard the same thing:
- try again
- cursing at me
- god talk
- do what will make me happy

What will make me happy? Will be pregnant by myself and having a baby and being alone make me happy? Who the fuck knows. I sure don't.

Mellowing Out

What to do, what to do. That is the question I keep getting asked, but I really don't know.

Choices:Publish Post

• IVF with my own eggs
• IVF with Donor Eggs at my USA clinic
• IVF with Donor Eggs out of USA
• Adoption
• Embryo donation/adoption
• Do nothing

At some point, I can work through the pros and cons of each choice. I just don't have the energy right now.

Happy, Unhappy Birthday - you old, barren bag

Today is the anniversary of the day my mother gave birth to me. I have never been so depressed on my birthday. Last year was filled with joy as I was pregnant. This year, not pregnant and this day is like the final nail in my genetic ability to reproduce coffin.

The well wishes from family was just to much to bear and sent me into crying fit. I decided to check my emails (I haven't done this since black Wednesday when I got my negative beta). Friends had written to me about the negative and I wrote them back with tears streaming down my face. Once of them caught on and wrote back: "Happy, Unhappy Birthday"

I decided that I had to do something, today. I picked myself off of the floor from the fetal position and went snowboarding. Not for too long, not too hard, not too fast - I'm out of shape from all of this baby-making tries, and the snow was very, very hard and icy. It is always a good day when I can drive myself home and not be in pain.

*****
Someone that is familiar with my issues, told me
"You shouldn't try again because of genetic problems:
"What genetic problems? I don't know of any."
"The folic acid thing"

Oh shit, that has nothing to do with my lack of getting pregnant. After all of my extensive blood tests, it was determined that my MTHFR homozygous mutation did not effect my folic acid intake because my homocysteine were extremely low (this is good). I even take the extra folic acid / vitamin B combo in a FABB tab (my RE said it isn't necessary). I tried to explain my MTHFR condition, but I could tell that the "genetic mutation" thing took priority over everything. I'm not saying that I should try again with my own eggs, but MTHFR is not a reason to not try. The reason not to try is that I have old, rotted eggs. Then, I had to throw in that I was carrying a normal, healthy female in my womb when she fell out at 13 weeks. There - no what do you have to say?

I'm back on the DE / adoption route. I wonder why I should bother to carry a baby if I have no genetic link. I'm even looking up DE in Europe where it is much cheaper than here. Yes, it may be cheaper, but what am I getting? Who knows? I know the quality and QC in the states is very good, but it is unknown in Europe (especially the less expensive countries). How do I really, really know if it is safe? Why does this European IVF clinic only have a success rate of 65%. My RE tells me donor egg and IVF will put me in the 75-80% success rate. I would think that clinics may lie about their stats. If they are lying at 65%, then what is their real rate? Why is it so much lower than my expensive, well-known US clinic?

Honey, Try Again

He has an uncanny way of knowing how I feel. The only person who has said anything to me about how I really feel. He mentioned my loss and desperation, and the fact that I am alone. He told me to try again and not to worry about statistics or money. He told me that god will give me a child. He went on to tell me biblical stories and the recent story of a man declared dead that wasn't really dead. There was a lot of cursing and crying because he was sloshed - very drunk.

This male relative had me bawling just before I went to work. My make-up was done and I was ready to head out the door. I tried to hold it together, but I couldn't. He was telling me things that I want to hear and wouldn't listen to my reason of why I shouldn't try again. "I'll put the fucking money in the mail right now". 'It's only money' doesn't sit well with me - it doesn't matter if it is mine or belongs to someone else. I don't like to throw it away; a 10% chance is throwing it away.

I'll be 44 tomorrow. It is difficult to even think of. I can not celebrate. I still haven't checked my emails (not since negative beta day), haven't opened birthday cards, or the package that I received.

Can I deal with going for another round? I'm an IVF junkie. An old, hopeless one. The looks that I get from the technicians, from the blood lechers, the nurses, .... I had to put up with their stares and little statements. "Do they know why you had a miscarriage?". I could hear it in her voice -
you are old, it will fail, give it up, poor girl - she has hope; how sad, ....

Why am I even entertaining the idea from a drunken relative who is talking with god? Am I that hopeless?

Weekend of Reflection

Still depressed over my life (or lack thereof) and hiding out at home. I wasn't curled up in a fetal position the whole time, since I unclogged my sink. I had wanted to call a plumber because I imagined that I would be pregnant. My sink stopped working during the 2WW, so I was waiting for the beta to see how to handle the problem. Unfortunately, I got to perform the work (the sink now drains). Many tears during the sink fixing, because I had to empty my cabinet under the sink.

• I found a pregnancy test that I misplaced. What do I do with that?
• I found my anti-stretch mark butter cream that I used on my stomach during my pregnancy. What do I do with that?

-------------------------------------------

When my RE called me, he said "...let me know what you guys want to do..." He said "you guys" quite a few times during the conversation. I've had 2 meetings with him since I was dumped. At my post-miscarriage consultation, I told him that we were no longer a couple. At my IVF#3 failure, he was doing the "you guys" thing, so I corrected him and told him that I was single. I just didn't have the strength to correct him again. At least he remembers something about me (we must have made an impression on him during the initial consultation).

Last week, Sarah Solitaire had a post about the desire for a child that is genetically linked to her. I have to say that I feel the same way - I really want that genetic link. Maybe, that is why I am so down and depressed - it will not happen for me. I wouldn't mind to try again. My body can handle it, but my purse can not. My RE said he would support me to try again. I look at Alexis Stewart (Martha's daughter) with envy since her mother can support her trying again, and again, and again. Of course, if she doesn't get pregnant then there shouldn't be an envy. I want my own baby that is linked to me. I know that I would love a child brought to me via DE or adaption as my own, but I crave that link that can never be. An adopted child can run away to find their bio parents (I probably would have done that during my rebellious teenage years). If I was adopted, I would have screamed all kinds of things at my parents (not that I didn't scream unkind things at them, but I think it would cut a lot more if I could have used 'adopted' as additional ammunition). I know that an adopted child or child conceived through DE would be my child as much as the genetic child. I guess I am selfish.

Even if I did have the funding, did IVF 10 more times, and finally get a positive, what about genetic problems with the baby? At my age, the chances of a problem are something to think about. I can't imagine the pain of terminating a much desired pregnancy. However, it is difficult to think about the pain of not having a child.

Even my family is giving me the donor egg (DE) and adaption speeches. Support has waned for using my own eggs due to costs and potential genetic issues and the statistics for my age group.

My birthday is in 2 days. Just writing about my birthday make me cry. The thought of another birthday, of being alone, of not being pregnant, of never being pregnant is too much for me to think about. I can't celebrate my birthday. Not a birthday that puts me in an age group that is "too old" to have a baby, that is statistically very unlikely to have my own, healthy baby. I really don't want family or friends to recognize my birthday because it is like rubbing salt in my wounds. I don't think I can go to work and have people say "Happy Birthday". I think I will take the day off and go snowboarding by myself. I am so out of shape after my latest IVF cycle, and I am sure I will cry so I don't need to be with anyone.

And, I am still without a fucking front tooth. I'm sure I'll bitch about that more in future posts, but right now, I need to curl back into my fetal position on the floor.

Utterly Devastated

I have been having a really difficult time. In fact, I was kind of equating this to the type of feelings that I had after my miscarriage. My current despair is not in the same ballpark as the miscarriage, but I am so down and crying a lot. I have had two other negative IVF cycles and 4 negative IUIs - none of those had me feeling like I am from my latest negative beta. I am so devastated, feel so alone and hopeless. I can barely hold it together when my father tells me to try again. It is so stupid - how can I keep spending an insane amount of money at a 10% chance of keeping a baby. If I do donor eggs, then I have a 75-80% chance of success.

While I was in my latest IVF cycle, I kept thinking if it was negative I would start to exercise a lot, go snowboarding, loose some weight, and get in shape. I couldn't do that during IVF, because I was trying to prep my body for a while. I read about the 'fertility diet' in a Newsweek article; so, I ate some fatty dairy products (I usually do non-fat or low-fat dairy). I cut out my milk consumption because my acupuncturist thought it was bad for me. I stopped eating bowls of cereal because I felt it wasn't very healthy and a friend's acupuncturist told her to stop and she became pregnant.

I stopped drinking chocolate milk (both cold and hot). I don't drink tea or coffee, so when I am cold I like hot chocolate. I like cold chocolate milk because I crave it. I really tried to eat healthy by eating lots of protein (I'm a veggie head), fruits and veggies. Now, some of you might be thinking "she's a vegetarian, so how hard can it be?" Well, the truth is that I am more of a junk food vegetarian - I don't like veggies that much. I love chocolate milk. I love asparagus. I love my home made spinach and black bean burritos. OK, I am not into total junk but when I like something, I eat it. I really don't like bananas, apples, kiwi, grapes, but I forced myself to eat these things. And for what? I'm like 'fuck this' and had a chocolate milk, yesterday. I hadn't had one in months.

This blog is so depressing. I am so depressing. I thought that I was getting better. Paid off the bitch, was looking forward to my IVF (I got the money from refinancing my home), and had a great cycle for an old bag. Now, I feel like I did one month post miscarriage. I have taken giant steps backward. I am devastated that this cycle didn't work.

My RE called, yesterday. He would support another go (I am a good money maker for his office), but strongly suggests donor eggs. He told me that they couldn't have hoped for a better cycle (except for the final outcome). It is likely that my good looking embryos had a genetic problems; this means that they were old and decrepit.

Back to my mourning.

Crestfallen

The news came on my cell phone while I was at work. I didn't cry.
I also didn't leave work until 10 pm. No dinner, no caring for my safety. I just don't give a shit.

The tears came while walking to my car. The tears flowed while driving home. It is a good thing that I have a box of tissues in my car.

I feel so alone. I am barren. I have no future. I am in financial ruin for paying for 4 IVFs and 4 IUIs and tons of tests. My heart is still broken over my lost relationship. My emotions are fragile over being dumped. I lost my best friend (not really lost since she ran away from me). I will never be pregnant. I had no idea that my 2.5 months of pregnancy (3 months along) would be it - forever.

The IVF nurse sounded so apologetic, and I didn't show any emotion to her. My RE will call me on Friday, but I don't need to talk to him. I don't need him to rub salt in my wounds. I know that I have old, rotted eggs that no longer work. I don't want to hear the donor egg suggestion. I can't afford any more. I am done.

I knew this was coming, and I am still falling apart.

Here are some statiscially insignificant IVF statistics (based on 4 IVFs):

• I now have a 100% failure on my IVF cycles when I did accupuncture. Did I ruin my chances by doing accupuncutue?
  
• I have 100% failure rate using Menopur
• 50% success rate (for getting pregnant) when no accupuncture was involved
• 50% success rate using Repronex
• 100% failure rate for carrying a healthy baby to term

Obviously, I don't want to go to sleep. I just tossed my pills that were on my night stand. I delete the medication reminders from my cell phone. I still have to cleanup all the meds, needles, and fertility crap that is out and about in my house.

Another Worthless List:

• 1 D&C to remove polyps
• 1 hysteroscopy to remove polyps that were not removed during the D&C
• 1 D&C to remove 3 month old dead baby from my womb
• 1 mole removal on my areola (my lifelong 'beauty mark' is gone). {beauty mark is what my mother called moles}
• 2005 - first fertility tests
• 2006 - 4 IUIs + 1 IVF
• 2007 - 2 IVFs (includes 1 Pregnancy for 3 months)
  
• 2008 - 1 IVF

My nose is totally clogged up from crying. My ears are closed. Sleep will not come easy tonight.

Bracing for the Call

I had my beta and am still waiting for the results. I know what the call will say, so I am bracing myself. I took not one, but two HPTs this morning. One $Tree and the other Clear Blue digital. Both were very clear. Both broke my heart.

I'm not doing the afternoon progesterone because it won't be needed.

Eve of the Last Beta of My Life

This evening, before my last beta that I will ever have, is painful. sad. agonizing. And, another negative hpt. I used my Dollar Tree test in the am, and before bed, I broke out the expensive Clear Blue Digital. It clearly stated "Not Pregnant".

I fear that this cycle is a bust. And, things went so well (15 eggs, 11 to fertilize, and 6 to implant). It was my best stats for this nearly 44 yr old, barren woman. Shit, my birthday is next week. I will be 44. I will be childless. I will be barren. I will be alone. I will be sad.

I keep wanting to cry. I felt some very slight cramping, and I still have hope. Even as I write about how this cycle has failed, I still have hope and will be crushed when the call comes in. It goes something like this: "Sorry hon, but it is negative. Stop taking all medications"

Fuck this shit. Another 20K down the drain. I might as well hit financial bottom since I'm at an emotional bottom.

The pregnancy drug hormones that I am taking play tricks on me. I feel slightly dizzy at times, very thirsty, hungry, and slight cramps, and dark circles under my eyes. I want to see that fucking HPT tell me "Pregnant". I want to see that fucking Test line shine. My beta is at 8:30 am. I will take 2 hpt tests in the morning; my last Dollar Tree and my last Clear Blue.

Feeling Sad

I peed on a stick. I'm sure you can guess the results. Only 3 more days of peeing, then the beta on the last pee day. I really hate the way the nurses wait until almost 5 pm to make the "sorry, hon" calls. I bet they draw straws and procrastinate until the end of the day. That has to be one of the worst part about their jobs.

I still have March 10 indelibly pressed into my brain. It was a Saturday when I got the call at 11:30 am to tell me it was positive. I'm sure that I will never hear those words uttered again in my life (at least pertaining to me for a pregnancy). All other calls from a medical office better be negative (what else is good news to hear positive?).

Symptoms of Stupidness

• twinge in my abdomen
• bags under my eyes
• tender breasts
• peeing more than normal
• one dizzy spell
• hungry during the night
• actually, hungry all the time
• eating like a pig

Reasons why I am Stupid

• I am on pregnancy hormones (progesterone and estrogen)
• I'm eating so much that my stomach is stretched, thereby making me hungry
• I'm not sleeping well, so I have bags under my eyes
• Stomachs tend to twinge all the time
• I have noted dizzy spells when not trying to get pregnant
• I am not peeing as much as I did when I was pregnant
• I really don't feel much
  

It is so depressing to think that this will not work. Part of me thinks that it will work, that I am pregnant. But my brain kicks in and tells me how stupid - a 5% chance is a 5% chance. The chance of getting pregnant really, really sucks. I am nearly 44 yrs old - what the fuck am I thinking. I am destined to be a barren, old maid.

Another Day, Another Negative HPT

Day 10 post ET and another very, very clear negative. After reading some Internet posts, I get the feeling that I shouldn't see anything to I should get a positive by day 13 of ER (I had a 3 day transfer).

My stomach is churning at the thought that I'm not pregnant. I feel that I am damned if positive and damned if negative.

I have to say that this wait is much worse than the other waits, because I know this is the last attempt at IVF. I feel embarrassed and crazy for even trying IVF with my 5% chance of getting pregnant (statistic from my RE). Am I pathetic for throwing money away on my hopeless IVF quest. Since 2006, I have had a mission to try and get pregnant. It is now 2008 and I am at the end of the line.

Day 9 Post ER - Negative

Another day, another negative. I know, it is crazy to test. But, I am still disappointed to see that negative. I am really starting to fear failure. Part of me still thinks this time worked no matter what. It has to work, because this is my last attempt. How could it not?

Accupain

Who thinks accupuncture feels good? I find it painful, and I certainly do not feel like I am 'floating on air' after an accupain session. I think that I would rather have a nice massage.

I had a first, today. A couple of bruises (one is really visible) from the accupain. I can't wait to show my guy what he did to my stomach. The pic also shows my stomach sticking out. I look like I had a huge dinner. What if I'm not pregnant - then I'll have to loose all of this excess weight.

I know that I should NOT think of symptoms. No, symptoms are a bunch of bullshit. Yet, I had a dizzy spell and a foot cramp. I know, I know. Fuck the symptoms. I am on estrogen and progesterone - my body thinks that I am pregnant. My hopes are rising and I hope they aren't dashed like IVF #3.

Day 9 post ET: Negative (Dollar Tree hpt). What did I really expect? I am so stupid - I am disappointed. I'm starting to get really scared that this didn't work.

Antsy

I am getting a bit agitated and having trouble going to sleep. My mind is starting to think about all of the "what ifs" that flood my life right now.

• What if I get pregnant?
• What if I get pregnant and have a m/c, again?
• What if I get pregnant and have complications and can't travel for work?
• How dare I even think about being pregnant
• What if I am not pregnant? Can I get on with my life? I've been consumed with baby making since 2006. I will have to learn to live with myself.

I am still fat and bloated. My belly is sticking way out, but that is due to food excess and drugs. Time for the pussy pellet.

Getting Fat

Did anyone read that Newsweek article about eating full fat dairy foods? My mother was chastising me for drinking non-fat milk and consuming low-fat yogurts. In my heart, I know that my full fat cheese fetish should be enough to keep my fertility diet going, but I broke down and have been on a full-fat cream cheese kick. There is nothing like good old Philly cream cheese. I'm only eating it because it may make me pregnant.

In the mean time, my stomach is growing (and it isn't a baby causing the growing). In order to eat my full-fat cream cheese, I have to put it on a daily slice of bread. On top of the cream cheese is a runny egg. Since the ER, I have stopped the runny egg thing. The egg just doesn't taste as good.

The embryologist did not call me today. I bet the those poor, sub-par embryos just couldn't make it. That gets me thinking - maybe I have the same problem with the embryos that are inside me as the duds on the outside.

I keep reading about the slim chance of older women. I have never been old before, but in the fertility world I am fucking ancient. I need to stop Internet research because the news for me ain't good.

I think about the boards and wonder if I should check back in. However, I'm having superstitious issues and am worried it will bring me bad luck.

This Morning's Dream

Since the ET, I have been very tired. The ET was Sat. On Sunday, I woke up at 7 for a pee and drugs (insert a pussy pellet and ingest estrace). I fell back asleep and was woken up at 10:30 am by a phone call. Today, I did the same 7 am thing and feel back asleep until 9:30. Since I had to go to work today, it made it interesting (i.e., very late).

During my morning snooze, I had a dream that seemed real. I woke up from my couch slumber to smell something burning. My grandmothers aluminum frying pan was on the stove (lower left) with nothing in it. The burner was on, so the pan was on fire and was melting. There was so much smoke and I was afraid the alarm would go off. I shut the burner and opened the sliding door for some fresh air. I wondered how the stove was turned on and how my grandmother's frying pan ended up on my stove. I mean, I don't even have it in my house. She lived in Florida and died two years ago. In my dream, I was telling people the story and tears would come to my eyes because I knew it was a paranormal event.

So, does this dream have any meaning? Aluminum may have been on my mind because I was looking for BPA free water bottles. It seems that SIG aluminum bottles are an option, but I was not comfortable with aluminum (even though it is coated). My grandmother used an aluminum pot and pan set for 50 years (it not 50, then when ever aluminum was available). Maybe my grandmother is trying to tell me something. I hope I get a "message" from my other grandmother.

Acupuncture Crap

So many people that I know really believe in acupuncture. I guess that I should believe it works, but I think it is a bunch of crap. I had some stupid notion that acupuncture would feel good - like a massage. Nope. It hurts. I pay to have someone stick needles in my and cause me pain.

I just love it when he tries to find my qi (chee). Today, he is moving the pin around in my scalp.

"Do you feel anything?"
"Yes, it feels like you are moving a needle around in my scalp"

If acupuncture really works, then it shouldn't matter what I think, right? I know that there is "scientific evidence" that shows it may be helpful. There are write-ups in medical journals. So, I figured "what the fuck". What is a few extra $100s when I spend thousands on my last IVF cycle.

I need to go and soak my feet in hot water so my cleaved embryos will cling to my womb. Yea, right.

Feeling Update for a Change

I feel hopeful for a change - 6 cleaved embryos are in me. Maybe one will take and stay and be genetically normal? I know that is a lot to ask, but it seems to happen to women all of the time.

I want to say my positive experience during my embryo transfer (ET). I was always so uncomfortable during the ET due to the full bladder issue. This time was different - I had a great ultrasound (u/s) tech that would check my bladder and let me release some into a cup. She would show me how much to fill the cup. I did this a couple of times and was so comfortable that I didn't need to use the bed pan after the procedure. The bed pan was put to use for my 3 previous IVFs; boy, is that messy (the pee runs down my butt crack). I have no idea why this wasn't done in the past, but it makes a huge difference in comfort levels.

Speaking of comfort, I know that I mentioned that the accupuntcture wasn't that comfortable. I actually have bruises on the tops of my feel where I was stuck with needles. When the acupuncturist came back in the room and observed the tears running down my face, she said "it is good to cry. It is a big day and the Chinese say it is good to release rather than to hold it in". She probably just tried to make me feel OK. I decided not to tell her why I was crying because I was afraid that I might start to sob. Why did I cry? I am still devastated by the way my ex left me after 11 yrs. Will I ever trust anyone again?

Bed Rest
Bed rest by myself is not easy. I have to stand to pull some food together. I really wanted eggs, but that would mean I have to stand for too long. Then I think of all the IVF procedures where bed rest is not recommended. Does it really matter?

I am buying some pee sticks this week. I'll get a bunch of dollar store sticks so I can start when hcg should be zero. I want to make sure that I don't get a false positive.

ET for IVF#4

I hate telling people this is my 4th time doing IVF. I feel that I am being judged by the staff - I can see how they look at me. I have to constantly write my age and the year I was born. I bet there aren't too many women who were born in 1964. I never felt old, but at the clinic, I am just ancient.

I did the before and after acupuncture. Like the first IVF, the needles feel out of my ear. I told the acupuncturist and she put it back in. I was worried that it would fall out again, but she told me it was in. It fell out within 2 minutes of her leaving the room. She had asked me about my history, so I told her about the m/c. I got to thinking about that and how my partner of 11 yrs left me. I thought of how horrible she was to me and how she treated me during my m/c. I started to cry, but couldn't wipe my eyes because I had needles in my wrist.

On to happier news.....
Embryologist's Report:

1. 12 cell - grade A
2. 8 cell - grade A
3. 8 cell - grade B
   
4. 7 cell - grade A
5. 6 cell - grade A
6. 6 cell - grade A
7. 4 cell
8. 2 cell

Grade A is less than 10% fragmentation, and B is 10-20%.
I had 6 cleaved embryos put back into me (the 6 to 12 cells). I don't think the 2 or 4 cell will make it to be frozen in 3 days.

I am incubating and doing the bed rest thing. May I say that bed rest by your self is very difficult. It sucks. Soup is not good for bed rest because I had to sit up and eat having over my soup instead of reclining.

My back is hurting.

Fertilization Report

I got the call the day after ET, but I have not posted. So, here it is - the report is good. It could always be better, but it could have been a lot worse.

15 eggs
11 mature
8 Fertilized

Good ER News

Good news for a change. The doc got 15 eggs from my old, decrepit body. Eveyone seemed surprised, but I was cautioned that some of the eggs could be immature. If an egg is immature, then it can not be fertilized. The embryologist can not ascertain the maturity of the eggs until the protective coating is removed for the ICSI (injected a sperm into the egg).

I had the prep nurse and anasthesiologist both asking me "how many times have you done this?" I felt like they were disapproving and I am a desperate 43 yr old with a 5% chance that is throwing money down the toilet.

I Better Not Pop

My ER is tomorrow morning. I forgot to eat lunch today, so I am worried that I starved my body of nutrition and my follicles will wither and die. My other worry is that my follicles have released eggs. My other worry is that my eggs are rotted. How many other worries can I have? Apparently, a lot.

I gave blood, today, and didn't hear from the nurse. That is a good sign, since they only call if there is a problem.

Golly gee, how many eggs with the doctor retrieve? Will they be genetically sound? I wonder if I should have done testing. What if an embryo implants only to be defective. I don't think I can bear another spontaneous or induced abortion.

Trigger Happy

I received my trigger shot at 1 AM thanks to my sister. I manager to get through this IVF cycle without having to give myself an IM shot. I think my arms are too short for such a maneuver.

Last Follicle Check (in cm) on 3/3/08 (I did a better job of printing both pages):
R1: 2.25
R2: 1.55
R3: 1.60
R4: 1.50
R5: 1.45

L1: 2.29
L2: 1.71
L3: 1.39
L4: 1.38
L5: 1.34

I Will Test

Last time, I decided not to test. Well, fuck that. This time I will be a testing queen. I'll buy the digital, expensive tests for day before and morning of beta. Dollar Tree starting a few days before beta. I'm not sure about Dollar Tree, because even when I was pregnant it never got that dark.

Count Down

Another dildo cam day with a shot in the ass and a stick in each arm. Dutifully, I always appear at my RE's office early. Yesterday, I was in the office at the scheduled time of my Repronex IM shot, so I had the nurse give me the shot. Unfortunately, for me, she was from a different department and not too skilled at IM shots. I could tell she was nervous and very upset when she caused me a great deal of pain. It is 30 hrs later, and I am still limping.

Back to today - the good news is that I have too many follicles to print on one page. The bad news is that I only print page 2 of 2 when I do my sneak printing. I was told that my right side has 4 follicles plus 5 small ones. My left side is as follows (avg in cm):

• L1: 1.39
• L2: 1.42
• L3: 1.83
• L4: 0.91
• L5: 1.00

Tomorrow, I may try to hit page-up and print the first page. Then, I will need to hit page-down to leave the screen as the tech left it.

Each time I give blood, the tech likes to use my right arm. Today, I was impressed when the Phlebotomist went for the left side. My admiration quickly dissipated when she couldn't get blood and moved the needle around (which hurt and left me sore). She gave up and went to the right arm where there weren't any problems.

It looks like ER will be 3/5 and ET 3/8. My biggest problem is getting a ride. I have no friends (no one that knows what I am doing and can take time off of work). Most likely, I will share my nieces' nanny.

"One follicle looks like it has arrested its development" that was uttered by my nurse, has caused me great concern. I wonder if all of my follicles contain rotted eggs and they will all arrest in development. I think back to my previous 3 IVFs and how I had no embryos to freeze. I feel that even if I had some to freeze, they probably wouldn't thaw. So, I am old and have rotted eggs. I'm almost 44 yrs old. Does this even make sense to try? I beat the odds with my oral implant failing (less than 5%), can I beat the odds with this baby quest?

I took this pic a few days ago - all bloated from stimming (I've gained 8 pounds).
The black and blues are where I hit veins while doing sub-q shots. Maybe I should draw a map of my abdominal veins so I know where to avoid sticking myself.

Chicken Check

I had my first egg check (follicle check, actually). I feel like a chicken that is trying to produce eggs. I'm more along the lines of my last Repronex cycle (IVF#2) when I got pregnant. When the nurse left the room, I pressed the little 'Print' button and snagged myself a copy of the report.
I'm not sure which numbers to report, so I will just show the first number (cm):

• R1: 1.24
• R2: 0.75
• R3: 0.86
• R4: 1.30
  
  
• L1: 0.93
• L2: 1.18
• L3: 0.55
• L4: 0.82

The nurse told me there are some smaller follicles that were not measured. I sure hope my eggs are not genetically challenged.

Feeling Hopeful

Tuesday morning is my first u/s to check for follicles. Oh, how I love the dildo cam. Does anyone else make sure they have a good trim/shave job for procedures?

I am hopeful that I've got some follies growing. During my last IVF cycle (#3), I was on Menapur and was very disappointed in the number of follicles. I sure hope that the Repronex and acupuncture are doing something for me.

I feel fat and bloated, so maybe my ovaries are growing and bursting with follies. Or, it may be the glass of chocolate milk that I had to have after my extra large burrito dinner.

Am I Crazy?

I'm still wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life. I feel so misplaced, so disconnected. I have isolated myself and pulled into my shell. It makes me wonder how I will deal with being a mother if that should happen. Then, I think 'how ridiculous' to think that I would actually be a mother from this IVF cycle. Who do I think I am to expect a pregnancy that results in a healthy baby? The chances are practically nill.

The last time I had to go in for blood work at my RE's office, the 'good phlebotomist' asks me 'do they know why your embryos don't stick?'. Well, fuck me - because my god damn fucking eggs are rotted you bitch. Nothing like feeling like shit when going through this IVF hell. I can't wait for her to stick me again. And, the bitch gave me a black and blue.

I have enough doubt since my RE tells me that I have a 5% chance. How come I am in the 5% of people that have a failed tooth implant? Can I beat the percents? Whey do I think I can beat it? What would happen if I do? Just me and baby all alone, locked up in the house?

What the fuck am I doing? I'm on a quest, but I wonder if I have thought through everything.
Last year, I spent about $100,000 on extra expenses. This year, I am up to $100,000. I am being left in debt and without money. I'm worried that I may become pregnant and have a special needs baby.

On Tuesday, I go for my first follicle check since I started stims. What will it tell me? Of course, I am worried that I will hear 1 follicle on your left and none on your right. I'm really hopping that doing IM shots with Repronex will give me better stats than last time.

Here I Go, Again

It has been a long time. I have kept of the fertility boards and have kept to myself. The 'kept to myself' part is probably not good, but it is was I have been doing.

It took me a while, and I dragged my feet until I called my IVF nurse to get going. Of course I had to run through all the hoops:

• Clomid challenge
• U/S check, blood work
• Annual physical, PAP, breast exam, mammogram
• communicables testing (STDs) - even though I haven't been with anyone

Breast Issue
Since I needed a quick physical, I made an appointment with the nurse instead of the doc. This nurse noticed a mole on my breast and made a note of it in my files. I have had this mole on my areola (flat, hairless) my whole life. It last changed shape at puberty when it got stretched. I was shocked when my IVF nurse called and told me they could not continue my cycle until I get the mole checked out by a dermatolgist. In a panic, I get an appointment with the PA (the doc would take months to see) . I was sure she would say 'OK' and fax a letter to my RE. Unfortunately, she thought there was a problem. I argued so much that she called in the doc (so, I got to see her anyway); the doc would not sign off either. I felt like I was forced to get a punch biopsy. They didn't hold me down, but if I didn't agree it was no IVF for me.

My mole measured 9 mm so she used the largest punch, 8 mm. The needles in my areola didn't hurt, especially when compared to the needles in my mouth for oral surgery. I have 1 internal deep stitch and 2 external. I was pissed that I have been disfigured. I hope that my nipple and ducts were not effected. I can't tell. Then I think, what does it matter unless I have a baby - how presumptuous of my to think I will have a baby suckling at my breast.

After the punch, I went to work. 3 hrs later - woa baby. The pain started. It was so bad that I took extra strength Tylenol (which I never do). It didn't do a fucking thing. My breast hurt for 2 days. Now (1 week later), the stitches are bothersome. I keep putting ointment on to keep it moist.

2008 IVF Calendar

• 1/31 Menses
• 2/2 BCP
• 2/16 Last BCP
• 2/18 U/S check - clear, no cysts. Blood work
• 2/20 Start taking 20 units of Lupron each morning and night (12 hrs apart. I picked 8 am and 8 pm. I was also supposed to start taking Dexamethasone at night, but I though it was for ET and didn't start until 2/22. Continue on Lupron and Dex for rest of cycle
• 2/22 Begin stims: Repronex (2 amps morning) and GonalF (300 at night). Since the Repronex is injected intramuscular (IM), it is causing me problems. After watching many videos, reading blogs, and trying to run through the motions, I decided that I can not inject myself. My RE's office is far, far away but I have a sister who is a nurse. So, each morning, I drive myself to the ER of a local hospital and sneak in through the ambulance bay. I mix and she shoots (less than 5 minutes, probably 3 minutes)
• 3/4 Estimated ER
• 3/7 Estimate ET